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Old 11-25-2015, 01:45 AM   #721
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I woke up next to a woman I didn't recognize this morning.

Then I realized it was the wife smiling.
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Old 11-25-2015, 01:46 AM   #722
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How do you know your wife is a good housekeeper? A: After the divorce she keeps the house!
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Old 11-25-2015, 01:49 AM   #723
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My wife always tells me that giving birth to our children was the most amazing thing she has ever done.

I have no idea what she's talking about though.

I guess I had to be there.
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Old 11-25-2015, 01:49 AM   #724
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When we divorced we shared the house 50 / 50. She got the inside...I got the outside ! -
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Old 11-25-2015, 01:51 AM   #725
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To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little. To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all
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Old 11-25-2015, 05:41 AM   #726
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My laptop was down for two hours on Saturday so I couldn't access my Twitter.

It was terrible.

I had to call random people from the phone book and tell them what I had for lunch.
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Old 11-25-2015, 05:52 AM   #727
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On Valentine's Day, yet again I'll be in the house on my own, watching television and eating takeout food with no one to talk to.

I really can't see a downside.
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Old 11-25-2015, 05:55 AM   #728
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It's been 2 days now and I'm frantically trying to find the guy who sent my wife her only Valentine's card, as I plan to put him in the hospital.

The guy seriously needs immediate psychiatric help.
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Old 11-25-2015, 05:58 AM   #729
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My wife just sent me a text: "I just bought you the best birthday present! xox"

I really hope she misspelt Xbox.
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Old 11-25-2015, 06:01 AM   #730
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I bought my Wife a new Iron for Valentines day,

She was so happy that she ran out of the house crying with emotion.

She must still be out telling her friends how wonderful I am as she's not back yet.
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Old 11-25-2015, 06:06 AM   #731
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My wife said she hoped I had something special planned for the upcoming Valentines Day.

"I'm working on it" I said, to which she smiled.

Weird, I thought she would have gone mental when I told her I was having to work.
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Old 11-25-2015, 10:44 AM   #732
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Definition of Valentines Day: One more opportunity to prove you just don't measure up.
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Old 11-25-2015, 03:01 PM   #733
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After finally coming to terms with empty nest syndrome after our son moved away, the wife wears an engraved silver locket that contains a photo and his hair, to remind her of him in his younger days.

I just keep a Lego in my shoe.
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Old 11-25-2015, 03:04 PM   #734
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Don't you just love getting home from a 12 hour shift to a wife, who's been at home all day and the smell of a freshly cooked meal.

I must ask the next door neighbor to leave her window open more often.
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Old 11-25-2015, 03:06 PM   #735
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I told my friend that I sometimes let my girlfriend watch TV, when she comes around.

He said 'I thought she lived with you?'

I said 'Yeah, she does'.
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Old 11-25-2015, 03:19 PM   #736
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I can't truly describe how I felt when my wife left me while we were on vacation in Florida..


But by the time I got home, my teeth had a tan.
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Old 11-25-2015, 03:22 PM   #737
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I got hit by a car last week and nearly died, having to be resuscitated by paramedics.

There was a long, dark tunnel with a light at the end and I was running towards it, naked - but that just felt completely natural. I looked behind me and my wife and children were crying and screaming, but I carried on towards the light, excited about what lay beyond it

...and that's when the car hit me.
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Old 11-25-2015, 03:40 PM   #738
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I came home to find my neighbor had a large Christmas tree on top of his car.

"Getting ready for the holidays a bit early this year, Dave?" I asked.

He replied, "Nah- just teaching the daughter to drive."
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Old 11-25-2015, 08:28 PM   #739
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Whoever said, 'Good will conquer evil'...

Clearly never went through a divorce.
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Old 11-25-2015, 09:04 PM   #740
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When people who don't yet know I'm divorced ask, "where is your other half", I reply, "she got it in the divorce settlement
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