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Old 10-05-2015, 07:36 PM   #371
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I was walking through the park with my dog, when a young woman came over and said, "That's a nice dog, does he bite?"

I replied, "No he doesn't."

She said, "Then how does he eat?

&*^$#
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I just threw some salt over my shoulder for good luck. Ended up smashing a mirror with the salt shaker.
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Old 10-05-2015, 07:39 PM   #372
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"Seriously, you've never had a mobile phone?" asked this girl on our first date. "What if your parents died and someone needed to get hold of you?"

"Well that's hardly likely to happen, they died 6 years ago!" I snapped.

"Oh I'm so sorry, you still sound really hurt?" she replied.

"Of course I am, I only heard about it 2 days ago."
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I just threw some salt over my shoulder for good luck. Ended up smashing a mirror with the salt shaker.
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Old 10-05-2015, 07:41 PM   #373
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"I'm not racist," I said to my girlfriend, "but I prefer my sandwiches cut diagonally."

"...but that's not racist," she said.

"Exactly," I replied. "I said I wasn't racist."
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Old 10-05-2015, 07:47 PM   #374
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Quote:
Originally Posted by wmtire View Post
Martin Scorsese's film "The Wolf of Wall Street" broke a record by using the "F" word 506 times.

That actually beats a record set by my dad in 2003, trying to put an Ikea chair together.

These are all funny. I really like this one. Makes me homesick.


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Old 10-05-2015, 10:28 PM   #375
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I'm out.
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Old 10-05-2015, 11:14 PM   #376
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One of the most difficult things in the world is to convince my wife that even a bargain costs money.
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Old 10-05-2015, 11:32 PM   #377
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I joined a troupe of male strippers, but my mom warned me "If you work in THAT business, you'll see things you wish you'd never seen!"

She was right - the first time we performed, I saw her in the front row of the audience.
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Old 10-05-2015, 11:33 PM   #378
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I approached a girl in a nightclub.

Me: Has anyone ever told you you look like Angelina Jolie?
Her: No.
Me: It's because you don't.
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Old 10-05-2015, 11:36 PM   #379
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I'd like to think I'm good in an argument. Like, for example, I was arguing with my wife the other day and she said, "If you look up stupid in the dictionary, it has a picture of your face."

I said, "I'm not the one who had to look up stupid in the dictionary. Also, my dictionary doesn't have pictures."
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Old 10-05-2015, 11:50 PM   #380
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My buddy called me today and said, "I've just had a huge fight with the wife. Have you got a spare bed for a few weeks until I find an apartment?"

"I'm afraid not," I replied, "but I've got a sofa, if that's any good."

"Perfect," he said. "You're an absolute pal! I'll send her over in a bit."
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