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Old 10-05-2015, 11:55 PM   #381
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My girlfriend just asked me if I thought she was wearing too much make-up.

I said it depended on whether she was going to kill Batman or not.
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I just threw some salt over my shoulder for good luck. Ended up smashing a mirror with the salt shaker.
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Old 10-06-2015, 09:24 AM   #382
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My wife told me she just bought a tortoise. When I asked her "Why in the world would you do that?"

Her reply was "Apparently, tortoises can live for 150 years, so I've bought one to see if it's true"
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Old 10-06-2015, 09:41 AM   #383
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The wife has just nominated me to do the ice bucket challenge. I'm a little confused.

Has anyone else been asked to hold a toaster at the same time?
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Old 10-06-2015, 09:44 AM   #384
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My wife told me she just bought a tortoise. When I asked her "Why in the world would you do that?"

Her reply was "Apparently, tortoises can live for 150 years, so I've bought one to see if it's true"
Was she blonde?
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Old 10-06-2015, 10:10 AM   #385
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I was laying down relaxing with my eyes closed last night when my wife walked into the room and said, "Why don't you take your tuxedo and shoes off?"

"Because I can't be bothered."

"Did you have a good evening?"

"Yes."

"How much did you have to drink?"

"What's with all the questions?" I said, "Can't you see I'm trying to take a bath?"
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Old 10-06-2015, 11:45 AM   #386
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My wife hollered in thru the rear door that our neighbor's dog pooped in our garden, so I told her to get a shovel and throw it over the fence.

After a few minutes, she walked in and said "I don't see what that solved, we've still got dog crap in our garden and the neighbors have our shovel."
This one actually made me LOL.
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Old 10-06-2015, 11:52 AM   #387
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When something electrical doesn't work I turn the device off, leave it for a minute and then turn it back on. I'm sure most people do this.

I wish somebody would explain that to my wife's family. Her life support system clearly wasn't working.
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Old 10-06-2015, 12:19 PM   #388
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Paddy pulls up at a red light beside a gorgeous young woman, smiles at her and lowers his window.

The woman smiles back and also lowers her window.

"Ah," says Paddy, "so you farted too?"
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Old 10-06-2015, 12:20 PM   #389
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My wife turned to me during her mother's funeral and hissed, "When we get home later, I'm going to make you pay for this!"

For the life of me I couldn't think of what I had done wrong.

Maybe it's because I wasn't sharing my popcorn.
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Old 10-06-2015, 12:22 PM   #390
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Bob is sitting on a train staring dreamily at the guy across from him.

"Hey," says the guy, "why are you staring at me?"

"Whether you believe it or not," says Bob, "you are the spitting image of my wife. Except for the beard."

"I don't have a beard," says the guy.

"No, but the wife does."
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