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Old 10-06-2015, 08:51 PM   #391
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Today, I decided to give my wife a taste of her own medicine.

I took her round 11 different bars, only to go back to the very first one to buy my beer.
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I just threw some salt over my shoulder for good luck. Ended up smashing a mirror with the salt shaker.
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Old 10-06-2015, 09:57 PM   #392
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Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says "In case of an emergency, notify:"

I always put "Doctor". What's my mother going to be able to do?
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Old 10-06-2015, 10:03 PM   #393
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If the best things in life are free,

how come I had to pay for my divorce?
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Old 10-06-2015, 10:04 PM   #394
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Heck with getting a divorce, I'm going for the cheaper "till death us do part" option!
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Old 10-10-2015, 06:56 PM   #395
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I'm not saying my wife keeps a messy kitchen, but by the time I found the salt, the slug had got away.
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Old 10-10-2015, 07:43 PM   #396
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My ex loved surprises and always complained that I didn't do enough to surprise her.

So the day I decided to break up with her, I took her out for a lovely dinner and got down on one knee to do it.

She was speechless.
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Old 10-10-2015, 07:46 PM   #397
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A couple years ago my ex wife told me that she hated me in every way possible and couldn't wait until I was dead.

Come to think of it, I probably should've seen the divorce coming from those wedding vows alone.
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Old 10-10-2015, 07:50 PM   #398
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I made my ex cry last night when I told her of my new girlfriend.

She asked, 'What does she have that I don't?'

Apparently 'me' wasn't the appropriate answer.
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Old 10-10-2015, 07:53 PM   #399
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I lost my job last month,and then my wife left me a few weeks later, but today I've finally had some good news.

The ex has told me I'm never seeing my three kids again.
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Old 10-10-2015, 07:55 PM   #400
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My ex told me she wants to try to work things out and that she loves me.

Well all she really said was "Drop dead, loser.", but I know what she meant.
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