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Old 10-10-2015, 07:59 PM   #401
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My evil witch of an ex-wife phoned me and said, "Guess what I'm doing."

I replied, "Making a coat out of dalmatians?"
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I just threw some salt over my shoulder for good luck. Ended up smashing a mirror with the salt shaker.
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Old 10-10-2015, 08:05 PM   #402
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Me and my ex wife get along better now then we ever did when we were married.

Mainly because I don't speak to her.
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I just threw some salt over my shoulder for good luck. Ended up smashing a mirror with the salt shaker.
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Old 10-10-2015, 08:09 PM   #403
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I hate people who take everything literally.

Like my ex-wife, who really did take everything. Literally.
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Old 10-10-2015, 08:17 PM   #404
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My ex wife is married to a monk now.

Well, he doesn't know it yet, but he's just took a vow of celibacy.
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Old 10-10-2015, 08:50 PM   #405
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And

16 - When everything seems to be coming your way, maybe you're in the wrong lane.
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Old 10-12-2015, 06:27 AM   #406
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Why are the spouses parents called inlaws?

Because outlaws are wanted!
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Old 10-12-2015, 06:28 AM   #407
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My wife said, "It's final, we're going to my mother's Halloween party whether you like it or not. So you better decide what you're going to be."

I said, "Extremely drunk."
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Old 10-12-2015, 06:34 AM   #408
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When ever I eat out at McDonald's, I like to have a Happy Meal...

So I leave the wife and kids at home.
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Old 10-12-2015, 06:38 AM   #409
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Man Flu - The Facts...

1. Man-Flu is more painful than childbirth. This is an irrefutable scientific fact*.
*(Based on a survey of over 100,000 men.)

2. Man-Flu is not 'just a cold'. It is a condition so severe that the germs from a single Man-Flu sneeze could wipe out entire tribes of people living in the rainforest. And probably loads of monkeys too.

3. Women do not contract Man-Flu. At worst they suffer from what is medically recognized as a 'Mild Girly Sniffle' � which, if a man caught, he would still be able to run, throw a ball, tear the phone book in half and compete in all other kinds of manly activities.

4. Men do not 'moan' when they have Man-Flu. They emit involuntary groans of agony that are entirely in proportion to the unbearable pain they are in.

5. Full recovery from Man-Flu will take place much quicker if their simple requests for care, sympathy and regular cups of juice are met. Is that really so much to ask? Florence Nightingale would have done it

6. More men die each year from MFN (Man-Flu Neglect) than lots and lots of other things. (Like rabbit attacks or choking on toast).

7. Men suffering from Man-Flu want nothing more than to get out of bed and come to work, but they are too selfless to risk spreading this awful condition amongst their friends and colleagues. In this sense, they are the greatest heroes this country has ever known.

8. In 1982 scientists managed to simulate the agonizing symptoms of full blown Man-Flu in a female chimp. She became so ill that her head literally fell off.

9. Man-Flu germs are more powerful than He-Man, The Thundercats and The A-Team combined. They are too strong for weak, nasty tasting 'lady medicines' like Lemsip, so don't bother trying to force them on a victim of Man-Flu.

10. While it may seem like a Man-Flu sufferer is just lying around enjoying 'Diagnosis Murder' it is a commonly recognized medical fact that the exact pitch and frequency of Dick Van Dyke's voice has remarkable soothing powers.

Every minute in this country one man is struck down by Man-Flu. Women, all we ask is that each of you offers them a glass of juice, some kind words and your undivided attention and care. Then maybe, just maybe, we'll beat this monstrous illness together.
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Old 10-12-2015, 06:45 AM   #410
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My daughter accused me of being a bad father. I don't know how she can say that...

...she's hardly ever met me.
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I just threw some salt over my shoulder for good luck. Ended up smashing a mirror with the salt shaker.
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