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Old 10-12-2015, 06:49 AM   #411
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I read somewhere that 37 is too old to still be living with your parents.

It was on a note, in my bedroom.
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I just threw some salt over my shoulder for good luck. Ended up smashing a mirror with the salt shaker.
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Old 10-12-2015, 06:52 AM   #412
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I always put my coat on to answer the door just in case it's any of my in-laws, then I can say; "Sorry, I was just on my way out" and barge past them.
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Old 10-12-2015, 06:56 AM   #413
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I hate it when couples have a little argument and the girlfriend changes her Facebook status to 'single'.

I mean, I have arguments with my parents all the time, you don't see me changing my status to 'orphan'.
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Old 10-12-2015, 06:57 AM   #414
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When I asked my Grandma what she wanted for Christmas, she replied, "The best present I could ask for is to be surrounded by my friends."

Well, we've just got back from the cemetery and she doesn't seem too happy.
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Old 10-12-2015, 07:08 AM   #415
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An alcoholic is sitting outside his home after just being divorced, and notices a crate of empty beer bottles. He takes out an empty bottle and smashes it into the wall screaming,"You are the reason I don't have a WIFE now".

He smashes the second bottle screaming,"You are the reason I don't have my children!"

He smashes the third bottle screaming,"You are the reason I don't have a job!".

Then he notices the fourth bottle is sealed and still full of beer and says, "Stand aside my friend. I know you weren't involved."
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Old 10-12-2015, 07:17 AM   #416
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I'm so glad that this is my last child support payment. Month after month, year after year, no more payments!

So I called my daughter, Jane, to come over to my house. When she got there, I said to her, "I want you to take this last check over to your mother's house and tell her that this is the last check she's ever going to get from me. And I want you to come back and tell me the expression that's on her face."

So Jane took the check over to her. I was really anxious to hear what she had to say. As Jane walked through the door, I said, "Now what did she have to say?"

"She told me to tell you that you ain't my daddy, and to watch the expression on your face."
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Old 10-12-2015, 05:53 PM   #417
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This tramp and his girlfriend were arguing in the park. All of a sudden he poured his meths over a bench and set fire to it.

"What are you doing? " I yelled at him.

"She can leave me if she want's, " he said, "but I'll be damned if she's getting the house. "
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Old 10-12-2015, 08:52 PM   #418
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I don't like women that wear glasses.

It means they can see me.
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Old 10-12-2015, 10:40 PM   #419
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My girlfriend told me last night that she hates me when I'm drunk.

I said, "Good, because I hate you when I'm not."
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Old 10-12-2015, 10:46 PM   #420
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I was in a restaurant on a blind date that was not the best looking person by far, so I was hoping to escape.

Suddenly, a man at a nearby table started clutching his chest and screaming in agony.

So I put down my menu, called the waiter over, and said, "I'll have what he's having."
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