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Old 10-12-2015, 10:48 PM   #421
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My wife opened her birthday present and as she held it in her hands she said, " This is nice but why a mirror?"

I said, " In case you forget why I'm leaving you."
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I just threw some salt over my shoulder for good luck. Ended up smashing a mirror with the salt shaker.
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Old 10-12-2015, 10:50 PM   #422
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After reading 50 Shades of Grey, my wife thinks it's incredibly seductive to wink at me whilst biting her lip.

I'm enjoying it too much to tell her it should be the bottom one.
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I just threw some salt over my shoulder for good luck. Ended up smashing a mirror with the salt shaker.
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Old 10-12-2015, 10:52 PM   #423
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If I had a dollar for every time someone called my ex wife ugly...

...I would have stayed with her for the money.
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Old 10-12-2015, 10:54 PM   #424
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My wife was in the bathroom covering her face in cream. I asked her what she was doing and she said, "Just trying to make myself beautiful."

A couple of minutes later I saw her wiping it off.

"Giving up already?" I asked.
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Old 10-12-2015, 10:56 PM   #425
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I went on a blind date last night.

"So then, what do you do for a living?" I asked.

"Guess," she giggled.

"Are you a hypnotist?" I said.

"No," she laughed. "Why do you think that?"

"Because my friend told me you were good looking."
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Old 10-13-2015, 03:21 AM   #426
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I said to my wife, "You look fantastic."

She said, "Awww, thank you."

I said, "If you'd let me finish... from a distance."
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Old 10-13-2015, 03:26 AM   #427
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I'm going to see Dawn Of The Planet Of The Apes tonight.

I wish my friends would stop calling her that.
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Old 10-13-2015, 03:28 AM   #428
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I remember the first time I saw my wife naked.

It was three hours after our wedding, and a day before our divorce.
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I just threw some salt over my shoulder for good luck. Ended up smashing a mirror with the salt shaker.
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Old 10-13-2015, 03:32 AM   #429
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My wife came downstairs and said "Tell me honestly what I look like in this dress?"

And that was the last time I ever saw her.
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Old 10-13-2015, 03:34 AM   #430
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My wife's so ugly even my glass eye tries to look away.
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