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Old 10-13-2015, 12:20 PM   #441
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My wife said to me yesterday, "If I die, I want you to promise me, in the funeral procession, you'll let my mother ride in the first car with you."

I said, "ok, but it will totally ruin my day....."
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I just threw some salt over my shoulder for good luck. Ended up smashing a mirror with the salt shaker.
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Old 10-13-2015, 12:22 PM   #442
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My boss is coming to my grandad's funeral tomorrow.

He said, after his three previous funerals I said was attending, he personally wants to see him go in the ground this time.
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Old 10-13-2015, 12:31 PM   #443
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"Happy 18th son! All these presents are just for you!"

After ripping them open excitedly, he said "Dad, all these boxes are empty..."

"I know. Use them to pack your things and get out."
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Old 10-13-2015, 12:35 PM   #444
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My girlfriend kept hinting that I might need to measure her finger size for her birthday gift...

I'm already one step ahead of her, I've got her those gloves where one size fits all.
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Old 10-13-2015, 12:36 PM   #445
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It was my wife's birthday the other day.

I bought her a new bag and belt.

She wasn't too happy, but the vacuum works fine now.
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Old 10-13-2015, 12:38 PM   #446
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My wife told me she didn't want me to make a big fuss over her 40th birthday.

I didn't.

She did though.
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Old 10-13-2015, 12:46 PM   #447
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My wife was livid when all I got her for her birthday was a lottery scratch off card inside her card.

"You're so ungrateful" I said, "Surely it's the thought that counts."

"Ungrateful?" she screamed, "You've already scratched the card!"
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Old 10-13-2015, 12:54 PM   #448
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It's my wife's 50th birthday today and I've decided to treat her to a night out.

I've changed the locks.
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Old 10-13-2015, 08:35 PM   #449
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My wife asked me to pass her the lip balm but I accidently gave her some superglue instead,

She's still not talking to me.
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Old 10-18-2015, 02:00 PM   #450
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Seeing as how Bobby is falling down on his job, decided to help the poor guy out.

A married couple were in a terrible accident in which the woman's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was too thin. So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin. However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks. The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty! One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice. She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. There is no way I could ever repay you."


"My darling," he replied, "Think nothing of it. I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek."
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