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Old 10-19-2015, 05:07 PM   #461
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My girlfriend's dog came running up to us for a cuddle.

"I love you Freddy," she said, stroking his fur.

"I love him more than you," I replied.

She said, "I don't think so, I definitely love him most."

I said, "You misunderstood me."
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I just threw some salt over my shoulder for good luck. Ended up smashing a mirror with the salt shaker.
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Old 10-20-2015, 09:38 PM   #462
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Golden Words By A Wise Man.

1. If you want to change the world, do it while you are a bachelor. After marriage, you can't even change the TV channel.

2. Listening to your wife is like reading the terms and conditions of a website. You understand nothing, but you still agreed...

3. Chess is the only game in the world which reflects the status of the husband. The poor King can only take one step at a time... While the mighty Queen can do whatever she likes...

4. All men are brave. Horror movies don't scare them. But 5 missed calls from wifey... Surely...
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Old 10-20-2015, 09:42 PM   #463
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My wife said she was leaving me because of my severe amnesia.

I said, "Do you talk to all strangers this way?"
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Old 10-20-2015, 09:51 PM   #464
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The wife's getting all excited because it's our first wedding anniversary this weekend,

I wonder what she's got planned?
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Old 10-20-2015, 09:56 PM   #465
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I gave my wife a nice two-thousand dollar for our wedding anniversary this year.

She says the date on the bill is totally irrelevant, and I'm a stingy jerkwad.
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Old 10-20-2015, 10:00 PM   #466
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As mine and the wife's anniversary is in the middle of July, every year I fill up a bucket of water, and tell her it was a giant ice sculpture shaped like a heart but it melted.

Saves me a fortune.
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Old 10-20-2015, 10:01 PM   #467
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I love to read those advice columns in the newspaper. I read one this morning. It said, "Whats the worst thing a wife can get on her twenty fifth wedding anniversary?"

"Morning Sickness."
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Old 10-20-2015, 10:02 PM   #468
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My wife and I were out for an anniversary meal.

"Ewwwww. Did you just pick your nose and wipe it under the table?" she asked.

"Errrrrr. How did you know?"

"It's a glass table".
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Old 10-21-2015, 04:37 PM   #469
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A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away....my wife left me because of my Star Wars obsession.
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Old 10-22-2015, 04:31 PM   #470
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My last girlfriend had a tattoo of a chameleon. Well that’s what she said, but I could never see it.
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