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Old 10-22-2015, 04:32 PM   #471
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My girlfriend told me once that I need to be more affectionate. Now I have two girlfriends.
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Old 10-22-2015, 04:35 PM   #472
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More relationship humor

My girlfriend told me once that I need to be more affectionate. Now I have two girlfriends.

My girlfriend bought a cookbook the other day called "Cheap and Easy Vegetarian Cooking". Which is perfect for her, because not only is she vegetarian...

The other night my girlfriend said, "Emo I'm seeing another man." I said, "Well, try rubbing your eyes or something."

My girlfriend said she wanted me to tease her. So I said, "Alright fatty.
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Old 10-22-2015, 04:49 PM   #473
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Wife: "How would you describe me?"
Husband: "ABCDEFGHIJK."
Wife: "What does that mean?"
Husband: "Adorable, beautiful, cute, delightful, elegant, fashionable, gorgeous, and hot."
Wife: "Aw, thank you, but what about IJK?"
Husband: "I'm just kidding!"

A husband exclaims to his wife one day, "Your butt is getting really big. It's bigger than the BBQ grill!" Later that night in bed, the husband makes some advances towards his wife who completely brushes him off. "What's wrong?" he asks. She answers, "Do you really think I'm going to fire up this big-butted grill for one little sausage?"

Ralph is driving home one evening, when he suddenly realizes that it's his daughter's birthday and he hasn't bought her a present. He drives to the mall, runs to the toy store, and says to the shop assistant, "How much is that Barbie in the window?" In a condescending manner, she says, "Which Barbie?" She continues, "We have Barbie Goes to the Gym for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Ball for $19.95, Barbie Goes Shopping for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Beach for $19.95, Barbie Goes Nightclubbing for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $265.00." Ralph asks, "Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.00 when all the others are only $19.95?" "That's obvious," the saleslady says. "Divorced Barbie comes with Ken's house, Ken's car, Ken's boat, Ken's furniture..."

Wife: "In my dream, I saw you in a jewelry store and you bought me a diamond ring."
Husband: "I had the same dream and I saw your dad paying the bill."

A man asks his wife, "What would you do if I won the lottery?" His wife says, "Take half and leave you!" The man replies, "Great! I won 12 bucks, here is six, now get out!"

A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day, their passions overcame them in the office and they took off for her house. Exhausted from the afternoon's activities, they fell asleep and awoke at around 8 p.m. As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt. Confused, she nonetheless complied and he slipped into his shoes and drove home. "Where have you been?" demanded his wife when he entered the house. "Darling," replied the man, "I can't lie to you. I've been having an affair with my secretary. I fell asleep in her bed and didn't wake up until eight o'clock." The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, "You liar! You've been playing golf!"

Girlfriend: "Am I pretty or ugly?"
Boyfriend: "You're both."
Girlfriend: "What do you mean?"
Boyfriend: "You're pretty ugly."

A husband, who has six children, begins to call his wife “mother of six” rather than by her first name. The wife, amused at first, chuckles. A few years down the road, the wife has grown tired of this. "Mother of six," he would say, "what’s for dinner tonight? Get me a beer!" She gets very frustrated. Finally, while attending a party with her husband, he jokingly yells out, "Mother of six, I think it's time to go!" The wife immediately shouts back, "I'll be right with you, father of four!

A bus full of housewives going on a picnic crashed with no survivors. Each husband cried for a week, but one husband continued for more than two weeks. When asked he replied miserably, "My wife missed the bus."

A husband asks his wife, "Will you marry after I die?" The wife responds, "No, I will live with my sister." The wife asks him back, "Will you marry after I die?" The husband responds, "No, I will also live with your sister."

One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in stunningly sexy lingerie. "Tie me up," she purred, "And you can do anything you want." So he tied her up and went golfing.

Wife: "Our new neighbor always kisses his wife when he leaves for work. Why don't you do that?"
Husband: "How can I? I don't even know her."
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Old 10-22-2015, 05:10 PM   #474
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A man goes to see a wizard and says, "Can you lift a curse that a priest put on me years ago?" "Maybe," says the wizard, "Can remember the exact words of the curse?" The man replies, "I pronounce you man and wife."

A man comes home, finds his wife in bed with another man, and asks, “What is this?!?” The wife turns to her lover and says, “See, I told you he was stupid!”

Marriage is a 3-ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.

My friend asked me, "Why are you getting a divorce?" I responded, "My wife wasn't home the entire night and in the morning she said she spent the night at her sister's house." He said, "So?" And I responded, "She's lying. I spent the night at her sister's house!"

A man placed some flowers on the grave of his dearly departed mother and started back toward his car when his attention was diverted to another man kneeling at a grave. The man seemed to be praying with profound intensity and kept repeating, "Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die?" The first man approached him and said, "Sir, I don't wish to interfere with your private grief, but this demonstration of pain is more than I've ever seen before. For whom do you mourn so deeply? A child? A parent?" The mourner took a moment to collect himself and replied, "My wife's first husband."

A man came home from work, sat down in his favorite chair, turned on the TV, and said to his wife, "Quick, bring me a beer before it starts" She looked a little puzzled, but brought him a beer. When he finished it, he said, "Quick, bring me another beer. It's gonna start." This time she looked a little angry, but brought him a beer. When it was gone, he said, "Quick, another beer before it starts." "That's it!" She blows her top, "You idiot! You waltz in here, flop your fat behind down, don't even say hello to me and then expect me to run around like your slave. Don't you realize that I cook and clean and wash and iron all day long?" The husband sighed. "Oh crap, it started!”


A wife asked her husband, "Honey, will you still love me when I am old and overweight?" The man replied, "Yes, I do."

A man put out a classified ad that read, "Wife wanted." The next day he received a hundred responses all saying the same thing: "You can have mine."

Bernie was invited to his friend's home for dinner. Morris, the host, preceded every request to his wife by endearing terms, calling her Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc. Bernie looked at Morris and remarked, "That's really nice, that after all these years that you have been married, you keep calling your wife those pet names." Morris hung his head and whispered, "To tell you the truth, I forgot her name three years ago!"
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Old 10-22-2015, 08:11 PM   #475
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WALKING ON THE GRASS - The sensitive man!

The room was full of pregnant women with their husbands.The instructor said,

"Ladies, remember that exercise is good for you.
Walking is especially beneficial. It strengthens the pelvic muscles and
will make delivery that much easier.
Just pace yourself, make plenty of stops and try to stay on a soft surfacelike grass or a path."

"Gentlemen, remember -- you're in this together. It wouldn't hurt you to gowalking with her.
In fact, that shared experience would be good for youboth."

The room suddenly became very quiet as the men absorbed this information.

After a few moments a man, at the back of the room, slowlyraised his hand.
"Yes?" said the Instructor.

"I was just wondering if it would be all right if she carries a golf bagwhile we walk?"
Brings a tear to your eye, doesn't it?This kind of sensitivity just can't be taught.

Later RJD
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Old 10-23-2015, 07:52 AM   #476
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My blind date was going well last night until I said, "I don't want to ask you your age as I know women find that offensive, so just give me a clue. Were you born before or after the French Revolution?"
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I just threw some salt over my shoulder for good luck. Ended up smashing a mirror with the salt shaker.
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Old 10-23-2015, 07:56 AM   #477
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"What would be your dream job?" asked my date, "The sky's the limit."

"Well," I said, "I guess that rules out astronaut."
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I just threw some salt over my shoulder for good luck. Ended up smashing a mirror with the salt shaker.
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Old 10-23-2015, 08:00 AM   #478
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I did something really embarrassing on my blind date last night.

I needed to use the restroom and accidentally walked into the ladies toilets.

Not as embarrassed as her though, as she was stuck halfway out the bathroom window.
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I just threw some salt over my shoulder for good luck. Ended up smashing a mirror with the salt shaker.
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Old 10-23-2015, 08:01 AM   #479
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As my blind date walked up to my table in the restaurant last night, I looked her up and down and said, "Wow, I feel like a very lucky man."

"Oh really?" she smiled.

I said, "Yes, my boss just texted me and I've got to go to work."
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Old 10-23-2015, 09:44 AM   #480
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With Halloween fast approaching, I thought I'd get a horror movie out. I've seen it loads of times and even though I know what's going to happen, it still sends shudders down my spine.

If anyone wants to borrow my wedding video, they're welcome.
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