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Old 10-23-2015, 09:55 AM   #481
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Ken sets up his friend Mike on a blind date with a young lady-friend of his. But Mike is a little worried about going out with someone he's never seen before. "What do I do if she's really unattractive?" says Mike. "I'll be stuck with her all night."

"Don't worry," Ken says, "just go up to her door and meet her first. If you like what you see, then everything goes as planned. But just in case you need to escape, there's a 'Bad Date Rescue App' you can install on your smartphone. Schedule your phone to ring just after you meet her and answer with, 'Mom, what's the matter, are you okay?" It works every time.

So that night, Mike knocks on the girl's door and when she comes out he is awestruck at how attractive and sexy she is. He's about to speak when the girl's phone rings and she answers with, "Mom, what's the matter, are you okay?"
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Old 10-23-2015, 10:00 AM   #482
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Matt finally decided to tie the knot with his longtime girlfriend. One evening, after the honeymoon, he was cleaning one of his hot rods for an upcoming show.

His wife was standing there at the bench watching him. After a long period of silence she finally speaks. "Honey, I've just been thinking, now that we are married maybe it's time you quit spending all your time out here in the garage and you probably should just consider selling all your cars.

Matt gets this horrified look on his face. She says, "Darling, what's wrong?"

"There for a minute you were starting to sound like my ex-wife."

"Ex-wife!”, she screams, "YOU NEVER TOLD ME YOU WERE MARRIED BEFORE!!!!!!!"

Matt's reply: "I wasn't".
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Old 10-23-2015, 10:01 AM   #483
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A husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when an absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big kiss, tells him she'll see him later, and walks away. His wife glares at him and says, "Who was that?!" "Oh" replies the husband, "that was my mistress." "That's it," says the wife, "I want a divorce." "Ok," replies her husband, "but remember, if you get a divorce there will be no more shopping trips to Paris, no wintering in the Caribbean, no Lexus in the garage, and no more country club. But, the decision is yours." Just then the wife notices a mutual friend entering the restaurant with a gorgeous woman. "Who is that woman with Jim?" she asks. "That's his mistress," replies her husband. "Ours is much better looking." says the wife.
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Old 10-23-2015, 10:21 AM   #484
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A middle-aged Jewish guy is out to dinner with his wife to celebrate her fortieth birthday. He says, "So what would you like, Julie? A Jaguar? A sable coat? A diamond necklace?" She says, "Bernie, I want a divorce." He says, "I wasn't planning on spending that much."
A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. The man then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them. His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing. The man says "I'm sending out 1,000 Valentine cards signed, 'Guess who?'"

"But why?" asks the man.

"I'm a divorce lawyer," the man replies.

Lee was known among his friends for the punctuality with which he sent his wife her alimony payment each month. When he was asked the reason for his haste he shivered and replied: "I'm afraid that if I should ever fall behind in the payments to that witch, she might well try to repossess me."

I saw my old girlfriend the other day and she had her wedding ring on the wrong finger. When I pointed this out to her, she said, "I know, I married the wrong man!"

I have this friend who has a real dilemma. His wife won't give him a divorce until she figures out a way of doing it without making him a happy man.


Mr. Schneider stood up in court. "As God is my judge, I do not owe my ex-wife any money". Glaring down at him, the judge replied, "He's not. I am. You do."

Regardless of what you may hear, there's still many women these days who are excellent "housekeepers". Seems each time they get a divorce, they keep the house.

Husband:
A man who buys his football tickets four months in advance and waits until December 24 to do his Christmas shopping.
A man who gives up privileges he never realized he had.
A man who stands by his wife in troubles she'd never have had if she didn't marry him.
A person who thinks he is the boss of the house, but in reality, houses the boss.
A person who is the boss of his house and has his wife's permission to say so.
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Old 10-24-2015, 11:43 AM   #485
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The school called me today and said, "Your son's been telling lies."

I replied, "Well, tell him he's dang good - I ain't got any kids!"
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Old 10-24-2015, 11:46 AM   #486
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When I was a toddler, my parents would always say, "Excuse my French" just after a swear word.

I'll never forget the first day at school when my teacher asked if any of us knew any French.
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Old 10-24-2015, 11:47 AM   #487
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My son came home from school looking all excited.

"I got a B on my reading test," he told me.

"That's a D," I replied.
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Old 10-24-2015, 11:56 AM   #488
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Single Person's Dilemma:

Do I wash dishes or do I attempt to eat Cornflakes from a cup with a knife?
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Old 10-24-2015, 12:05 PM   #489
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Before I go away on business, I like to put an old mobile phone on vibrate and duct tape it to the bedroom window.

Then I call it at random times in the early hours of the morning to make the wife think someone is trying to break in.
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Old 10-24-2015, 12:07 PM   #490
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The wife accused me of never listening to her and 'only hearing what I want to hear.'

I said, "Yes, darling, I'd love a beer."
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