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Old 10-24-2015, 12:11 PM   #491
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My wife was trying on her new dress.

"Does my butt look big in this?" she asked.

I walked out of the bedroom, went down the stairs, out the front door and walked to the top of the street...

... called her on my mobile and said, "Not from here it doesn't."
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I just threw some salt over my shoulder for good luck. Ended up smashing a mirror with the salt shaker.
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Old 10-24-2015, 12:22 PM   #492
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As I walked out of the front door with my bags last night, I looked back at my wife and said, "Are you sure about this? It doesn't feel right."

"Yes, I'm sure," she replied. "You're a lazy good for nothing, and it's about time."

"What about the kids?" I asked.

"They're busy watching TV," she said. "Now just be a man, for once, and put the trash out."
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I just threw some salt over my shoulder for good luck. Ended up smashing a mirror with the salt shaker.
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Old 10-24-2015, 12:24 PM   #493
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My wife was talking to me for about 5 minutes, then she said, "You won't tell anyone will you?"

"Your secret is safe with me," I replied.

"You sure about that?"

"Yes," I said, "because I wasn't listening."
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Old 10-24-2015, 12:25 PM   #494
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My wife only has two complaints in life:

Nothing to wear and not enough closet space.
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Old 10-24-2015, 12:28 PM   #495
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I saw my wifes' dad in drag yesterday.

Well, not exactly. I woke up early and caught my wife without makeup on.

But the image has stuck.
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Old 10-24-2015, 12:30 PM   #496
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I went to a party last night and got absolutely smashed. The wife said, "Your problem is, you never know when you've had enough!"

I replied, "Actually, I do. Which is why I packed my bags this morning."
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Old 10-24-2015, 12:32 PM   #497
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I hate getting into the car after my wife has used it, I have to put everything back where it was before.

Like the mirror, seat, airbag....
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Old 10-24-2015, 12:36 PM   #498
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Almost all serial killers are men.

That's because women like to kill just one man, very slowly, over many, many years.
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Old 10-24-2015, 12:52 PM   #499
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The wife comes down stairs this morning and says, "Shut those curtains, that guy across the road can see me naked!"

I said, "If the guy across the road can see you naked, he will shut his curtains!"
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Old 10-24-2015, 07:55 PM   #500
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Stages of a relationship:

1) Dating:
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2) Proposal:
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ID:	92758

3) Marriage:
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ID:	92759
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