More relationship humor

[wmtire]

Carolyn, a very rich blonde after her divorce, buys a new automatic Jaguar XKR Sports car. She drives the car perfectly well during the day, but at night, the car just won't go at all.

After trying to drive the car at night for a week (but without any luck), she furiously calls the Jaguar dealer. They send out a technician to her.

The technician examines the car and finds nothing wrong with it. So he turns to the blonde and asks, "Ma'am, are you sure you are using the right gears?"

Full of anger, the blonde replies, "You nut, you idiot, how on earth you could ask such a question? I'm not stupid you know! Of course I am using the right gears. I use 'D' during the day and 'N' at night."

[wmtire]

A man exploring the ancient Pyramids of Egypt while on vacation stumbled across a secret room. He sneaked away from the tour group and explored the room.

He found a dusty lamp and picked it up. While he wiped the dust off the lamp a genie appeared in a puff of smoke.

"For freeing me from my prison, I will grant you a wish, what will it be sire?"

The man thought for a moment, then said, "I want a spectacular job, a job that no man has ever succeeded at or has ever attempted to do."

"Allah Ka Zam!" said the genie. "You're a housewife!"

[wmtire]

Stacey makes a new friend at school and invites her home for the first time.

Stacey excuses herself to fetch her Mom and introduce her new friend. As her friend is standing in the living room next to the fireplace, she picks up the attractive vase on the mantle.

When Stacey returns with her mother, her friend is staring curiously into the vase. "Oh, those are my father's ashes," Stacey informs her new friend.

However, this startles her so that she drops the vase with the ashes and broken vase scattering all around.

After turning three shades of red she stammers out, "Oh, no... I'm, oh!... I, can't... didn't mean to.."

"It's OK dear," the mother says. "The vase was just from Wal- Mart."

The new friend catches her breath enough to say, "But... but your husband's ashes..."

"Well," the mother says, "looks like he'll just have to get off his lazy butt and get the ashtray from the kitchen from now on!"

[coupevillefish]

Originally Posted by wmtire

Working at the post office, I'm used to dealing with a moody public. So when one irate customer stormed my desk, I responded in my calmest voice, "What's the trouble?"

"I went out this morning," she began, "and when I came home I found a card saying the mailman tried to deliver a package but no one was home. I'll have you know, my husband was in all morning! He never heard a thing!"

After apologizing, I got her parcel.

"Oh good!" she gushed. "We've been waiting for this for ages!"

"What is it?" I asked.

"My husband's new hearing aid."

Came across this one while waiting for wife to finish her hearing test!

[DadOfTwo]

Campers: What do you do with your sleeping bag in the morning? Wake her up and tell her to fix breakfast.

[wmtire]

WHAT TO SAY WHEN YOU ARE CAUGHT ------------------------------- A personal guide to what men should say when caught looking at another woman by their wife or girlfriend.

- I can't believe that outfit she is wearing. (Said disdainfully)

- Look at that guy... over there... behind the woman.

- I think that's a man dressed as a woman. (Incredulous)

- Isn't that the actress from the movie Delicatessen? (Chances are she hasn't seen that movie- and neither have you, but you will get brownie points naming a foreign film, and it will be just obtuse enough to distract her

- I think that's the girl I knew from high school who eventually joined a convent (or was committed to an asylum) and turned out to be a real nut case

- Help me, I got something in my eye... can't see a thing!

- I was staring off into space because I was about to have an epiphany about the direction of my life and the nature of my love for you, but its gone now, thank you very much!

- Hey that's the loser I dumped in order to go out with you. Boy am I glad I ever got away from her. What a moron.

- I know you're probably thinking I was staring at a beautiful woman, but to me she is like one of those fancy bakery cakes that looks good, but then you have a bite and it is so sweet that it makes you sick. She makes me sick. (It helps if you convulse a little at the end here.. maybe it will camouflage your drool).

- I was just thinking how I felt sorry for her - since she can never hold a candle to you (this one might only get you punched, but its worth a try).

- Do you think she's prettier than me? (Give her a taste of her own medicine)

[wmtire]

THE FOLLOWING TRAINING COURSES ARE NOW AVAILABLE FOR WOMEN


1. Silence, The Final Frontier: Where No Woman Has Gone Before.
2. The Undiscovered Side Of Banking: Making Deposits
3. Combating The Imelda Marcos Syndrome: You Don't Need New Shoes Every Day
4. Parties: Going Without New Outfits
5. Bathroom Etiquette 1: Men Need Space In The Bathroom Cabinet Too
6. Bathroom Etiquette 2: His Razor Is His
7. Communication Skills 1: Tears - The Last Resort, Not The First
8. Communication Skills 2: Thinking Before Speaking
9. Communication Skills 3: Getting What You Want, Without Nagging
10. Driving A Car Safely: A Skill You Can Acquire
11. Telephone Skills: How To Hang Up
12. Introduction to Parking
13. Introduction to Petrol
14. Advanced Parking: Reversing Into A Space
15. Advanced Petrol: How To Take The Filler Cap Off
16. Water Retention: Fact or Fat
17. Cooking 1: Bran And Tofu Are Not For Human Consumption
18. Cooking 2: How Not To Inflict Your Diet On Other People
19. PMS: Your Problem...Not His
20. Classic Clothing: Wearing Clothes You Already Have
21. Household Dust: A Harmless Natural Occurrence Only Women Notice
22. TV Remotes: For Men Only


THE FOLLOWING TRAINING COURSES ARE NOW AVAILABLE FOR MEN


1. Introduction to Common Household Objects I: The Mop
2. Introduction to Common Household Objects II: The Sponge
3. Dressing Up: Beyond the Wedding and the Funeral
4. Refrigerator Forensics: Identifying and Removing the Dead
5. Design Pattern or Splatter Stain on the Linoleum?: You CAN Tell the Difference!
6. Accepting Loss I: If It's Empty, You Can Throw It Away
7. Accepting Loss II: If the Milk Expired Tree Weeks Ago, Keeping It In the Refrigerator Won't Bring It Back
8. Going to the Supermarket: It's Not Just for Women Anymore!
9. Recycling Skills I: Boxes that the Electronics Came In
10. Recycling Skills II: Styrofoam that Came in the Boxes that the Electronics Came In
11. Bathroom Etiquette I: How to Remove Beard Clippings from the Sink
12. Bathroom Etiquette II: Let's Wash Those Towels!
13. Bathroom Etiquette III: Five Easy Ways to Tell When You're About to Run Out of Toilet Paper!
14. Giving Back to the Community: How to Donate 15-Year-Old Levis to the Goodwill
15. Retro, Or Just Hideous?: Re-examining Your '70s Polyester Shirts
16. Knowing the Limitations of Your Kitchenware: No, The Dishes Won't Wash Themselves
17. Romance: More Than a Cable Channel!
18. Strange But True!: She Really May NOT Care What "Fourth Down and Ten" Means
19. Going Out to Dinner: Beyond McDonald's
20. Expand Your Entertainment Options: Renting Movies That Don't Fall Under the "Action/Adventure" Category
21. Yours, Mine, and Ours: Sharing the Remote
22. "I Could Have Played a Better Game Than That!": Why Women Laugh
23. Adventures in Housekeeping I: Let's Clean the Closet
24. Adventures in Housekeeping II: Let's Clean Under the Bed
25. "I Don't Know": Be the First Man to Say It!
26. The Gas Gauge in Your Car: Sometimes Empty MEANS Empty
27. Directions: It's Okay to Ask for Them
28. Listening: It's Not Just Something You Do During Halftime
29. Accepting Your Limitations: Just Because You Have Power Tools Doesn't Mean You Can Fix It

[wmtire]

1. How Dogs and Men Are the Same
Both take up too much space on the bed.
Both are threatened by their own kind.
Both mark their territory.
Both are bad at asking you questions.
Both have an inordinate fascination with women's crotches.
Neither does any dishes.
Both pass gas shamelessly.
Neither of them notice when you get your hair cut.
Both like dominance games.
Both are suspicious of the postman.
Neither knows how to talk on the telephone.
Neither understands what you see in cats.


2. How Dogs Are Better Than Men
Dogs do not have problems expressing affection in public.
Dogs miss you when you're gone.
Dogs feel guilt when they've done something wrong.
Dogs don't criticize your friends.
Dogs admit when they're jealous.
Dogs are very direct about wanting to go out.
Dogs do not play games with you--except Frisbee (and they never laugh at how you throw).
Dogs don't feel threatened by your intelligence.
You can train a dog.
Dogs are easy to buy for.
You are never suspicious of your dog's dreams.
The worst social disease you can get from dogs is fleas. (OK. The *really* worst disease you can get from them is rabies, but there's a vaccine for it, and you get to kill the one that gives it to you.)
Dogs understand what no means.
Dogs understand if some of their friends cannot come inside.
Middle-aged dogs don't feel the need to abandon you for a younger owner.
Dogs admit it when they're lost.
Dogs are color blind.
Dogs aren't threatened if you earn more than they do.
Dogs mean it when they kiss you.


3. Where Dogs Fall Short
Men only have two feet that track in mud.
Men can buy you presents.
Men don't have to play with every man they see when you take them around the block.
Men are a little bit more subtle.
Dogs have dog breath all the time.
Men can do math stuff.
Men don't shed as much, and if they do, they hide it.

[ependydad]

Originally Posted by wmtire

WHAT TO SAY WHEN YOU ARE CAUGHT ------------------------------- A personal guide to what men should say when caught looking at another woman by their wife or girlfriend.

- I can't believe that outfit she is wearing. (Said disdainfully)

- Look at that guy... over there... behind the woman.

- I think that's a man dressed as a woman. (Incredulous)

- Isn't that the actress from the movie Delicatessen? (Chances are she hasn't seen that movie- and neither have you, but you will get brownie points naming a foreign film, and it will be just obtuse enough to distract her

- I think that's the girl I knew from high school who eventually joined a convent (or was committed to an asylum) and turned out to be a real nut case

- Help me, I got something in my eye... can't see a thing!

- I was staring off into space because I was about to have an epiphany about the direction of my life and the nature of my love for you, but its gone now, thank you very much!

- Hey that's the loser I dumped in order to go out with you. Boy am I glad I ever got away from her. What a moron.

- I know you're probably thinking I was staring at a beautiful woman, but to me she is like one of those fancy bakery cakes that looks good, but then you have a bite and it is so sweet that it makes you sick. She makes me sick. (It helps if you convulse a little at the end here.. maybe it will camouflage your drool).

- I was just thinking how I felt sorry for her - since she can never hold a candle to you (this one might only get you punched, but its worth a try).

- Do you think she's prettier than me? (Give her a taste of her own medicine)

So, exclaiming "wow! did you see her tots?!" isn't the right question?

[wmtire]

A truly honest personal ad would say, ‘I want to date myself, only with more money.’

I have bad luck with women. A woman I was dating told me on the phone, “I have to go, there’s a telemarketer on the other line.”

It costs a lot of money to date. I took a girl out to dinner the other night. I said, “What’ll you have?” She said, “I guess I’ll have the steak and lobster.” I said “Guess again.”

I hate first dates. I made the mistake of telling my date a lie about myself, and she caught me. I didn’t think she’d actually demand to see the bat cave.

I’ve been on so many blind dates I should get a free dog.

My ambition is to be the last man on earth — so that I can find out if all those girls were telling the truth.

[wmtire]

Relationships: When you like somebody enough to want to eventually hate them.


Bad relationships are like the jeans you hold on to hoping they’ll fit someday.


The worst thing about relationships is that either you're the one with the drinking problem or they are.


Relationships are an expensive way to watch someone slowly like you less and less.


Relationships are mostly you apologizing for saying something hilarious

[wmtire]

Wife: Without your glasses,you look like the same tall, dark n
handsome young man I married.

Husband: Without my glasses, you look pretty good too!

[wmtire]

She married him because he was such a “strong man”. She divorced him because he was such a “dominating male.”


He married her because she was so “fragile and petite.”He divorced her because she was so “weak and helpless.”


She married him because “he knows how to provide a good living.”She divorced him because “all he thinks about is business.”


He married her because “she reminds me of my mother.”He divorced her because “she’s getting more like her mother every day.”


She married him because he was “happy and romantic.”She divorced him because he was “shiftless and fun-loving.”


He married her because she was “steady and sensible.”He divorced her because she was “boring and dull.”


She married him because he was “the life of the party.”She divorced him because he is always “the life of the party.”

[wmtire]

Isn't it great to live in the 21st century? Where deleting history has become more important than making it.


Top 3 situations that require witnesses: 1) Crimes 2) Accidents 3) Marriages. Need I say more?


Dear Couples Who Fight In Public, stop trying to whisper and would it kill you to include some backstory.


Telling a girl to calm down works about as well as trying to baptize a cat.


My wife is so negative. I remembered the car seat, the stroller, AND the diaper bag. Yet all she can talk about is how I forgot the baby.


Why is it everything I love is either unhealthy, addicting or has multiple restraining orders against me?


You know your children are growing up when they stop asking you where they came from and refuse to tell you where they're going.


I hate people who use big words just to make themselves look perspicacious.


There are few things I enjoy more than picking an argument with my girlfriend when she has the hiccups.


Dear alcohol, We had a deal where you would make me funnier, smarter, and a better dancer... I saw the video... we need to talk.


When I see ads on TV with smiling, happy housewives using a new cleaning product, the only thing I want to buy are the meds they must be on.


I can totally keep secrets. It's the people I tell them to that can't.


My wife had her driver's test the other day. She got 8 out of 10. The other 2 guys jumped clear.


Women spend more time wondering what men are thinking than men spend thinking.


I asked my wife if she ever fantasizes about me, she said yes - about me taking out the trash, mowing the lawn, and doing the dishes.


She wanted a puppy. But I didn't want a puppy. So we compromised and got a puppy.


I've been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now, I think I'll start calling them traditions.


Whenever I have a headache, I take two aspirins and keep away from children, like the bottle says

[wmtire]

You take away the looks, money, intelligence, charm and success and, really, there's no real difference between me and George Clooney.


TRUE FRIENDSHIP: Walking into a persons house and your wifi connects automatically.


The best things in life are free *plus shipping and handling*


My kids are very optimistic. Every glass they leave sitting around the house is at least half full.


All I'm saying is why blame it on being lazy when you can blame it on being old?


Women sometimes make fools of men, but most guys are the do-it-yourself type.


Heading out for drinks, bail money's on top of the fridge.


I'm here for whatever you need me to do from the couch.


This isn't working out. I think we should start making other people miserable.


It's not a relationship until you argue about whose turn it is to apologize.


Oh... I didn't tell you... Then It must be none of your business...


Everything becomes 100 times louder when you're trying not to wake someone up.


Why is psychoanalysis a lot quicker for men than for women? When it's time to go back to his childhood, he's already there.


You're 10 times more likely to die when your girlfriend says, "I'm fine" than when you are flying on an airplane.


Those who have some means think that the most important thing in the world is love; the poor know that it is money.


I hate girls that complain about being single every 3 minutes. 90% of my socks are single & you don't see them crying about it.

[wmtire]

I get it ladies, I had abs before I had kids too.


When men say "I'm fine" they actually mean it. Weirdos.


Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn't have said.


The most dangerous room in the house really depends on where your wife is at the moment.


My husband is on the roof - only a few inches away from an insurance claim that could completely change my life.


Laugh and the world laughs with you. Snore and you sleep alone


Wouldn't exercise be more fun if calories screamed while you burned them?


Never marry a woman who was captain of the debate team.


I don't think it's rude to ask someone in an online dating site to send a picture posing with a copy of today's newspaper.


If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?


She is not my reward, I am her punishment.


The only difference between the people I've dated and Charles Manson is that Manson has the decency to look like a nut case when you first meet him.

[wmtire]

A psychiatrist asks a lot of expensive questions which your wife asks for nothing.


Love helps to kill time. And time helps to kill love.


Only after getting married you realize that those husband-wife jokes were not just jokes.


Kids, don't grow up... it's a trap!


At every party there are two kinds of people: those who want to go home and those who don't. The trouble is, they are usually married to each other.


I sleep better naked…why can't the flight attendant understand this?


By the time a man realizes that his father was right, he has a son who thinks he's wrong.


Who invented the brush they put next to the toilet? That thing hurts!


What is the only time a man thinks about a candlelight dinner? When the power goes off.


I childproofed the house… but they still get in!


Back in my day, we didn't watch TV while we ate dinner. We actually talked to each other. It was awful.

[wmtire]

I come from a stupid family. During the Civil War my great uncle fought for the West.

[wmtire]

Love is one long sweet dream... and marriage is the alarm clock.

[wmtire]

Honk all you want, but if I don't eat these donuts at this green light... I'll have to share them at home.