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Old 10-26-2015, 10:37 AM   #511
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When I picked the wife up from the airport today, she said, "Why the long face? Look at that couple there, kissing, cuddling and laughing"

I replied, "That's because he's seeing her off, not picking her up."
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I just threw some salt over my shoulder for good luck. Ended up smashing a mirror with the salt shaker.
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Old 10-26-2015, 10:40 AM   #512
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My wife said, "Can you be honest with me, have you ever cheated?"

I said, "No."

She said, "So you've never cheated?"

I said, "I didn't say that, I'm just not going to be honest with you."
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Old 10-26-2015, 10:42 AM   #513
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"It doesn't matter what I do or say," I told the wife, "I'm always wrong in your eyes."

"That's not true," she said.
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Old 10-27-2015, 02:25 AM   #514
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My girlfriend and I were leaving the movie theater last night when she asked, "Did you enjoy that then?"

"Brilliant. Especially when the wife came in to confront her husband and the secretary at the end."

"I can't remember that part?"

"That's because you were watching that stupid movie instead."
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Old 10-27-2015, 02:36 AM   #515
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I went on a date with a blonde woman last night.

"Do you have any kids?" she asked.

"Yes," I replied. "I have one child that's under two."

She said, "I might be blonde, but I know how many one is."
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I just threw some salt over my shoulder for good luck. Ended up smashing a mirror with the salt shaker.
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Old 10-27-2015, 09:31 AM   #516
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I was on a date with this really attractive girl. Well, it wasn't a date, date. We just ate dinner and saw a movie.

Then the plane landed.
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Old 10-27-2015, 09:43 AM   #517
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My girlfriend asked me, "If you were stranded on a desert island with one person in the world, who would it be?"

I said, "My Uncle Mick."

She said kind of surprised, "Oh... why's that then?!"

I said, "He's got a boat".
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Old 10-27-2015, 09:53 AM   #518
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I've never understood why women love cats.

Cats are independent. Cats don't listen. Cats don't come in when you call and cats like to stay out all night. When they are at home, cats like to be left alone to sleep.

In other words, every quality that women hate in a man, they love in a cat...!
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Old 10-27-2015, 09:55 AM   #519
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*FOR SALE*

06' Suzuki GSXR 1000

This bike is perfect! Only has 7000 miles and has had its 1500 mile service.

No falls/scratches. I use it as a cruiser/commuter. I'm selling it because it was purchased without proper consent of a loving wife.

Apparently "do whatever the h#ll you want" doesn't mean what I thought.
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Old 10-27-2015, 09:59 AM   #520
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I drove an invisible car today.

Well, it was according to the lady who pulled out in front of me.
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