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Old 10-30-2015, 11:35 PM   #541
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They say marriage is a contract. No it's not. Contracts come with warranties. When something goes wrong, you can take it back to the manufacturer. If your husband starts acting up, you can't take him back to his mama's house. "I don't know... he just stopped working. He's just laying around making a funny noise."
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Old 10-30-2015, 11:36 PM   #542
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A guy knows he's in love when he loses interest in his car for a couple of days. (Tim Allen)
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Old 10-30-2015, 11:36 PM   #543
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My ex-wife and I have our alimony set up on the easy payment plan. I make the payment and she takes it easy.
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Old 10-30-2015, 11:40 PM   #544
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Marriage is not a word, it is a sentence - a life sentence!

It's not true that married men live longer than single men. It only seems longer.

Two guys were staring into their drinks when one said, "Hey, Harry, have you ever suspected your wife of leading a double life?"
"Yeah, all the time," Harry said. "Hers and mine."

A man complained to his therapist about having two unhappy marriages. "Tell me about them," the therapist said.

"Well," the man said, "my first wife divorced me and my second wife won't."
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Old 10-31-2015, 08:18 AM   #545
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My wife's locked herself in the kitchen in a rage, after a massive argument over how miserable and tight I've become since we've been married.


She's in there now, ripping all the plates in half.
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Old 10-31-2015, 08:19 AM   #546
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Women only call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.

Then they call me ugly and poor.
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Old 10-31-2015, 08:20 AM   #547
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A man complains to his wife saying, "We're so poor we can't even afford punchlines to our jokes!"

And she says
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Old 10-31-2015, 08:21 AM   #548
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My wife asked, "What would you do if you had Warren Buffett's money?"

I said, "Probably spend it before he noticed it was missing."
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Old 10-31-2015, 08:23 AM   #549
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My wife says I only married her because her dad left her loads of money in his will.

She's wrong. I don't care where she got all her money from.
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Old 10-31-2015, 08:30 AM   #550
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Frank and Mary had decided to take the vacation of a lifetime to celebrate their 40th wedding anniversary. They were on a flight over the Pacific bound for Australia when a severe storm broke out. Three hundred passengers, sat gripped with fear, as the plane bucketed one way and then the other in fearsome turbulence.

Suddenly, over the public system, the captain says, "Ladies and Gentlemen, we have been blown off course and our engines are failing. I see an uncharted island and we should be able to land on the beach. However, I should warn you that it is remote and our radio is out, so the odds are we will never be found."

Thanks to the skill of the flight crew, they landed safely. An hour later Frank says to Mary, "Mary, did we ever pay that last installment on our car?"

"No darling," she answered
.
Frank then asked, "Mary, did you ever send off that tax return?"

"Oh no, I forgot" said Mary.

"And one last thing," Frank said, "did you remember to pay on the credit card?"

"Dang it...No, I was going to do it when we got back."

Frank grabbed her and gave her the biggest kiss in forty years. Mary pulled away and gasped, "What's that for?"

"One things for sure," Frank said, "they'll find us!"
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