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Old 11-02-2015, 09:39 AM   #561
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Marriage is like a casino.

You go in all excited and optimistic, you stumble out broke, drunk and talking to yourself.
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I just threw some salt over my shoulder for good luck. Ended up smashing a mirror with the salt shaker.
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Old 11-02-2015, 09:40 AM   #562
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I'll never forget me and the wife's first date.

It was last night.

Screw you Las Vegas.
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I just threw some salt over my shoulder for good luck. Ended up smashing a mirror with the salt shaker.
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Old 11-02-2015, 09:42 AM   #563
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My granddad survived the great war, or as some call it...

...'marriage'.
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I just threw some salt over my shoulder for good luck. Ended up smashing a mirror with the salt shaker.
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Old 11-02-2015, 09:45 AM   #564
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I asked my friend what was the secret of being married happily to his wife for the past thirty two years.
He told me that they never went to sleep angry.
I told him that was a great philosophy.
He told me that the longest he had been awake was for five days.
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Old 11-02-2015, 09:46 AM   #565
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I went into Home Depot and asked an assistant if he could recommend something to stop my kitchen drawers and cupboard doors being slammed shut.

He said, "A divorce."
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I just threw some salt over my shoulder for good luck. Ended up smashing a mirror with the salt shaker.
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Old 11-02-2015, 09:47 AM   #566
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" ....... and that was when my mother tripped on the pavement and fell over."

"Your mother? I heard it was your husband who'd hurt his back?"

"It was - he pulled a muscle laughing."
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I just threw some salt over my shoulder for good luck. Ended up smashing a mirror with the salt shaker.
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Old 11-02-2015, 09:49 AM   #567
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There was a problem with my credit card at the store today.

My wife had it.
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I just threw some salt over my shoulder for good luck. Ended up smashing a mirror with the salt shaker.
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Old 11-02-2015, 09:52 AM   #568
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When I got married, I disappointed a lot of women.

Now I can concentrate on disappointing just the one.
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I just threw some salt over my shoulder for good luck. Ended up smashing a mirror with the salt shaker.
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Old 11-02-2015, 09:53 AM   #569
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My wife said, "What's your New Years resolution?"

I said, "To drink, smoke and eat more."

She said, "I thought you were supposed to give something up."

I said, "I am. You."
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I just threw some salt over my shoulder for good luck. Ended up smashing a mirror with the salt shaker.
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Old 11-02-2015, 09:55 AM   #570
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Man to wife:''If I should die I want you to sell all my belongings because I'm sure you'll get married again and I wouldn't want some a-hole to have my stuff.''

Wife:''What makes you think I would marry an a-hole again.''
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