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Old 11-02-2015, 09:56 AM   #571
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I got married on Memorial Day.

When people all over the country hold a moment of silence, I can pretend it's for me.
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I just threw some salt over my shoulder for good luck. Ended up smashing a mirror with the salt shaker.
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Old 11-02-2015, 09:57 AM   #572
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"Daddy, some weird girl was screaming at me and calling me every name in the book today at school!" said my 8 year old boy

"Well, what did you do to her?" I asked

"I don't know Daddy, I didn't do anything!"

"Welcome to my world" I said, glancing at his mom.
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I just threw some salt over my shoulder for good luck. Ended up smashing a mirror with the salt shaker.
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Old 11-02-2015, 10:02 AM   #573
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The key to a successful marriage, for men:

Whenever you're wrong, admit it.

Whenever you're right, shut up.
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Old 11-02-2015, 10:11 AM   #574
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I sung to my wife, "Have I told you lately that I love you?"

She giggled and said, "No"

I said, "Doesn't that tell you something?"
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Old 11-02-2015, 10:15 AM   #575
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I'm so depressed.

My wife left me a month ago.

And now she's come back.
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I just threw some salt over my shoulder for good luck. Ended up smashing a mirror with the salt shaker.
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Old 11-02-2015, 10:20 AM   #576
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My wife said, "Look, you're coming home late every night now. You're cheating on me."

I said, "You're worrying about nothing."

She said, "Actually, I'm worrying about our marriage."

I said, "Exactly."
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Old 11-02-2015, 10:25 AM   #577
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Me and my wife have been married for 20 years and have only had 1 fight.

It started 20 years ago.
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Old 11-02-2015, 10:27 AM   #578
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I bought my wife some new Scrabble tiles for Christmas. She threw them back at me, saying it was a crap present.

I can't understand it. I'm sure I heard her say we should renew our vowels.
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Old 11-02-2015, 10:28 AM   #579
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I took my girlfriend to see the Grand Canyon, standing there near the edge admiring its beauty I got a disturbing thought in my head.

I had to keep telling myself, ''Don't do it, you will regret it for the rest of your life!''

Finally I thought, ''Screw it, I'm doing it and I don't care of the consequences, I don't care if it confines me to a life of imprisonment!''

Her standing at the edge, I sneaked up behind her and grabbed her, ready to face my destiny, I quietly whispered, ''Will you marry me?''
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Old 11-02-2015, 10:30 AM   #580
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Wedding photographer's slogan: Take a picture of your marriage. It will last longer.
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