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Old 11-02-2015, 10:41 AM   #581
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A beggar asked me for $5 today. He said, "Since I lost my job, I've been homeless."

I replied, "I know how you feel. Since I got married, I've been home less too."
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I just threw some salt over my shoulder for good luck. Ended up smashing a mirror with the salt shaker.
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Old 11-02-2015, 10:42 AM   #582
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Its untrue that most women want to get married. I've asked loads and they've all said no.
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Old 11-02-2015, 10:45 AM   #583
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My wife spends so much time shopping online, I'm beginning to think our wedding vows were "to love, honor and eBay".
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Old 11-02-2015, 10:53 AM   #584
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After countless fights and arguments, I don't really have any love for my wife anymore.

To be honest, I'm only staying with her for the sake of the honeymoon.
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Old 11-02-2015, 10:55 AM   #585
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I've never been married, but I tell people I'm divorced so they won't think something's wrong with me.
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Old 11-02-2015, 11:32 AM   #586
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I think my wife is subtly trying to tell me she wants a divorce. I came in before and caught her with the remote control.
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Old 11-02-2015, 11:33 AM   #587
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The wife's coming home from a business trip today. As a hopeless romantic, I felt the need to show her that I simply can't live without her.

I haven't washed the dishes for ten days.
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Old 11-02-2015, 12:04 PM   #588
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If my girlfriend puts any more pressure on me to get engaged, I'll be able to swallow coal and make my own diamond.
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Old 11-02-2015, 12:09 PM   #589
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I've been with my wife so long,

We can usually finish each others insults.
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Old 11-02-2015, 12:10 PM   #590
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Wife: I had to marry you to find out how stupid you are.

Husband: You should have known it the minute I asked you to marry me.
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