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Old 11-02-2015, 12:11 PM   #591
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When I told my fiance that I wanted Jimmy the Psycho to be my best man she suggested that we each get to veto one person from each other's guest list for the wedding to avoid having people there who we hate.

I can't wait to see the look of disappointment on her mother's face when she finds out.
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I just threw some salt over my shoulder for good luck. Ended up smashing a mirror with the salt shaker.
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Old 11-02-2015, 12:34 PM   #592
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My last relationship ended in a total disaster.

We got married.
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Old 11-02-2015, 12:45 PM   #593
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I went with my wife to her office Christmas party. Her boss walked up to us and said,"Oh hi Lucy, and who's the lucky man?"

"Her ex boyfriend." I replied.
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Old 11-03-2015, 12:44 PM   #594
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I said to the wife, "You haven't said a word all night, is there something wrong?"

"What do you care?" she spat.

"Well, if something is bothering you that much to shut you up, I want to know for future reference."
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Old 11-03-2015, 12:57 PM   #595
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Google, you remind me of my wife, let me finish my sentence before you give me suggestions!
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Old 11-03-2015, 01:15 PM   #596
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I love playing mind games with my wife.

Today I bought her some flowers and I haven't done anything wrong.
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Old 11-03-2015, 01:22 PM   #597
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I don't think my wife loves me.
When I had a heart attack, she wrote for an ambulance.
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Old 11-03-2015, 03:33 PM   #598
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Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them.

Neeyam Gareeb


The great question, which I have not been able to answer... is, "What does a woman want?"

Dumas


I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.

Sigmund Freud


'Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays'

Red Skelton


'There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage.'

Sam Kinison


'I've had bad luck with both my wives
The first one left me, and the second one didn't.'

James Holt McGavra


Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming.
1. Whenever you're wrong, admit it,
2. Whenever you're right, shut up.

Patrick Murray


The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once...

Nash


You know what I did before I married?
Anything I wanted to.

Neeyam Gareeb


My wife and I were happy for twenty years.
Then we met.

Henny Youngman


A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.

Rodney Dangerfield


A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: 'Wife wanted'. Next day he received a hundred letters.
They all said the same thing: 'You can have mine.'

Neeyam Gareeb


First Guy (proudly): 'My wife's an angel!'
Second Guy : 'You're lucky, mine's still alive.'

Neeyam Gareeb
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Old 11-05-2015, 01:02 PM   #599
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My wife and I are having problems so we went to a relationship counselor. He suggested that we spend some time apart as "absence makes the heart grow fonder."

We have now been separated for two weeks and I can confirm that absence does make the heart grow fonder - of absence.
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Old 11-05-2015, 01:16 PM   #600
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My wife's started to show the first signs of alzheimers. She said she can't remember what she ever saw in me.
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