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Old 11-05-2015, 01:17 PM   #601
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Being married may not help me live a longer life...

but it will sure make me feel like I did.
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I just threw some salt over my shoulder for good luck. Ended up smashing a mirror with the salt shaker.
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Old 11-05-2015, 01:19 PM   #602
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I have lost loads of weight recently and although I feel much healthier it does have it's drawbacks.

My wedding ring fits again.
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Old 11-05-2015, 01:20 PM   #603
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I used to support my football team week in, week out, home and away. Then I received a restraining order...

...or a marriage certificate as my wife prefers to call it.
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Old 11-05-2015, 01:22 PM   #604
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"You're a good-looking, intelligent and wealthy man. Why have you never got married?"

"You just told me why."
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Old 11-05-2015, 01:24 PM   #605
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I remember the days of when I wasn't married,

like it were 4 years, 3 months, 7 days, 8 hours, 16 minutes, and 33 seconds ago.
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Old 11-05-2015, 01:25 PM   #606
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My counselor told me, there was no excuse for my constant heavy drinking.

So I've got married.
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Old 11-05-2015, 01:26 PM   #607
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My fiancee told me to go get some flowers for our wedding.

"But I don't have a clue what ones to get!" I pleaded.

"Just get some that you feel represent marriage well", she replied.

Venus Fly Traps it is then!
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Old 11-05-2015, 01:28 PM   #608
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My dad told me it's time I get married, and had a family of my own.

What did I ever do to him?!
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Old 11-05-2015, 01:34 PM   #609
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What she said: Let's pick a color for the wall.

What she meant: Let's spend an hour staring at 16 identical shades of gray.
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Old 11-05-2015, 01:37 PM   #610
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My wife said to me, "Have you noticed, we haven't been speaking to each other for the past 3 days?"

I replied, "No I haven't, I just thought we were getting along."
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