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Old 11-05-2015, 05:41 PM   #611
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I phoned my wife to tell her I'd driven through a shower of hail the size of golf balls.

"Are the car windows okay?" she asked.

"There's a hole in one," I said.
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I just threw some salt over my shoulder for good luck. Ended up smashing a mirror with the salt shaker.
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Old 11-06-2015, 02:13 PM   #612
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I showed up at my girlfriend's house.

She said, "Why, don't you look nice!?"

I said, "Thanks."

"It wasn't a compliment." she added.
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I just threw some salt over my shoulder for good luck. Ended up smashing a mirror with the salt shaker.
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Old 11-06-2015, 02:25 PM   #613
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A guy stands over his tee shot for what seems an eternity: looking up, looking down, measuring the distance, figuring the wind direction and speed. Finally his exasperated partner says, "What's taking so long? Hit the daNG ball!" The guy answers, "My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse. I want to make this a perfect shot." "Forget it, man," says his partner. "You'll never hit her from here."
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Old 11-06-2015, 02:37 PM   #614
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I'm going to watch my wedding video later "backwards". I love the end bit when she takes the ring off, goes back down the aisle and jumps in the car.

Wife: "What are you doing?" Husband : Nothing. Wife : "Nothing...? You've been reading our marriage certificate for an hour." Husband : "I was looking for the expiration date."

A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him. She says hello. He’s rather taken aback because he can’t place where he knows her from. So he says, "Do you know me?" To which she replies, "I think you’re the father of one of my kids." Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, "My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watched?" She looks into his eyes and says calmly, "No, I’m your son’s teacher."

A man and a woman who have never met before find themselves in the same sleeping carriage of a train. After the initial embarrassment, they both manage to get to sleep, the woman on the top bunk, the man on the lower. In the middle of the night the woman leans over and says, "I'm sorry to bother you, but I'm awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly pass me another blanket." The man leans out and with a glint in his eye said "I've got a better idea, let's pretend we're married." "Why not," giggles the woman. "Good," he replies. "Get your own blanket."

OLD BUT GOOD ONE....
H - "Hello?" W - "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?" H - "Yes." W - "Great! I am at the mall two blocks from where you are. I just saw a beautiful mink coat. It's absolutely gorgeous!! Can I buy it?" H - "What's the price?" W - "Only $1,500.00." H - "Well, OK, go ahead and get it, if you like it that much..." W - "Ahhh, and I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the 2001 models. I saw one I really liked. I spoke with the salesman, and he gave me a really good price...and since we need to exchange the BMW that we bought last year..." H-"What price did he quote you?" W - "Only $60,000..." H - "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options." W - "Great! But before we hang up, something else..." H - "What?" W - "It might look like a lot, but I was reconciling your bank account and...I stopped by the real estate agent this morning and saw the house we had looked at last year. It's on sale!! Remember? The one with a pool, English Garden, acre of park area, beachfront property." H - "How much are they asking?" W - "Only $450,000 - a magnificent price...and I see that we have that much in the bank to cover..." H - "Well, then go ahead and buy it, but just bid $420,000. OK?" W - "OK, sweetie...Thanks! I'll see you later!! I love you!!!" H - "Bye...I love u too..." The man hangs up, closes the phone's flap, and raises his hand while holding the phone and asks to all those present: "Does anyone know who this phone belongs to?"

Two men are discussing their lives. One says, "I’m getting married. I’m tired of a messy apartment, dirty dishes, and no clothes to wear." The other one says, "I’m getting divorced for the same reasons."
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Old 11-06-2015, 08:34 PM   #615
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I got into an argument with my wife the other day

“I find your tone very condescending” she said

I replied “Actually love, I think the word you meant to use was patronizing”
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I just threw some salt over my shoulder for good luck. Ended up smashing a mirror with the salt shaker.
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Old 11-07-2015, 09:27 AM   #616
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A middle-aged frumpy couple return to a RV dealership where the salesman has just sold the trailer they were interested in to a beautiful, leggy, busty blonde.

"I thought you said you would hold that trailer till we raised the $75,000 asking price," said the man. "Yet I just heard you close the deal for $65,000 to the young lady there. You insisted there could be no discount on this model."

"Well, what can I tell you? She had the ready cash and, just look at her, how could I resist?" replied the grinning salesman.

Just then the young woman approached the middle-aged couple and gave them the keys.

"There you go," she said. "I told you I would get the jerk to reduce it. See you later, dad."
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I just threw some salt over my shoulder for good luck. Ended up smashing a mirror with the salt shaker.
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Old 11-08-2015, 09:25 PM   #617
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A small guy bumped into my wife in the bar, spilling her drink down her shirt. I turned round, pushed him and said, "I'm gonna kick your head in!"

He said, "I must warn you, I know Kung Fu."

"I don't care who you know," I said, before waking up in hospital.
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I just threw some salt over my shoulder for good luck. Ended up smashing a mirror with the salt shaker.
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Old 11-08-2015, 09:33 PM   #618
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My uncle, who is an engineer, was kidnapped in Nigeria.

Demands were sent via email to his family, but they just got deleted as spam.
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I just threw some salt over my shoulder for good luck. Ended up smashing a mirror with the salt shaker.
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Old 11-08-2015, 09:57 PM   #619
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Quote:
Originally Posted by wmtire View Post
No need to imagine.
He's been in trouble for years.
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Old 11-09-2015, 07:43 AM   #620
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I met my ex-wife down at the gym. We didn't workout.
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I just threw some salt over my shoulder for good luck. Ended up smashing a mirror with the salt shaker.
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