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Old 11-09-2015, 09:39 AM   #621
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My wife claims that I treat one of our kids unfairly.

"Which one?" I replied, "James Junior, or the girl one?"
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I just threw some salt over my shoulder for good luck. Ended up smashing a mirror with the salt shaker.
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Old 11-09-2015, 09:40 AM   #622
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Childhood is like being drunk. Everyone remembers what you did, except you.
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I just threw some salt over my shoulder for good luck. Ended up smashing a mirror with the salt shaker.
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Old 11-09-2015, 01:39 PM   #623
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Marriage is like a deck of cards. In the beginning all you need is two hearts and a diamond. By the end, you wish you had a club and a spade.
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Old 11-09-2015, 01:44 PM   #624
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Marriage is like a violin. After the music is over, you still have the strings
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Old 11-09-2015, 01:49 PM   #625
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If my wife ran the world ,there wouldn’t be any wars… But there wouldn’t be any peace either!
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Old 11-09-2015, 04:53 PM   #626
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Quote:
Originally Posted by wmtire View Post
I feel I can go lower.
And we know you will.
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Old 11-09-2015, 05:23 PM   #627
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The inherent downside in a life of pursuing women is the possibility of inadvertently catching one -

Marriage is an investment that pays dividends if you pay interest.
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Old 11-09-2015, 05:50 PM   #628
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Just read that 4,153,237 people got married last year, not to cause any trouble but shouldn't that be an even number?

My ex wrote to me: Can you delete my number? I responded: Who is this?

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.

Any married man should forget his mistakes, there's no use in two people remembering the same thing

Barking dog at the back door wanting in and your wife's yelling at the front wanting in. Which one do you let in? The dog, once he's in, he shuts up!

My wife and I had a two-hour fight about whether or not we were fighting.

I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.

My son asked me what it's like to be married so I told him to leave me alone and when he did I asked him why he was ignoring me

I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months- I don't like to interrupt her.
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Old 11-09-2015, 08:37 PM   #629
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Q: How many divorced men does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: None, the sockets go with the house.

Q: If marriage is grand what is divorce? A: Ten grand!


Wife: Honey I want you to whisper dirty things in my ear!' Husband: Kitchen, living room, laundry, dining room..

Husband: You know it's a proven fact that women talk twice as much as men! Wife: That's because we have to repeat everything we tell our husbands! Husband: What?
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Old 11-09-2015, 08:48 PM   #630
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With the divorce rate so high in America, a new organization has been formed called, "Marriage Anonymous."
Whenever a man feels like getting married, they send over a woman wearing a torn housecoat, with curlers in her hair and cream on her face, and she tries to nag him out of it.
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