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Old 11-10-2015, 10:09 AM   #641
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I see a baker has made a new 'Divorce Cake'.

It's just like a wedding cake...

...but it leaves a bitter after-taste in the mouth.
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I just threw some salt over my shoulder for good luck. Ended up smashing a mirror with the salt shaker.
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Old 11-10-2015, 10:12 AM   #642
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I've just realized why our friends split up with their partners, and we are still together after 20 years.

Neither of us are on facebook.
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I just threw some salt over my shoulder for good luck. Ended up smashing a mirror with the salt shaker.
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Old 11-11-2015, 02:10 AM   #643
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The other night I was invited out for a night with the “girls.” I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, “I promise!” Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easily. Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hallway started up and cuckooed 3 times.

Quickly, realising my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with him. (Even when totally smashed… 3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals 12 cuckoos = MIDNIGHT !)

The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, I told him “MIDNIGHT”… he didn’t seem upset in the least. Whew, I got away with that one! Then he said “We need a new cuckoo clock.” When I asked him why, he said, “Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said “oh crap” Cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and farted
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Old 11-11-2015, 11:44 AM   #644
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I wanted to buy my son a drum kit today.

My wife said, "She wouldn't stay in the house with that racket!"

I bought my son a drum kit today.
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I just threw some salt over my shoulder for good luck. Ended up smashing a mirror with the salt shaker.
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Old 11-11-2015, 11:47 AM   #645
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The speed in which a woman says "Nothing" when asked "What's wrong?" is inversely proportional to the severity of the coming storm.
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Old 11-11-2015, 12:00 PM   #646
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First my wife said she'd lost her lipstick, then she couldn't find her mascara and now she's looking for her blusher.

I wish she'd mind her makeup.
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Old 11-11-2015, 12:46 PM   #647
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There's no pleasing my wife sometimes.

She's just spent the last 3 hours telling me that we never talk.
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Old 11-11-2015, 12:48 PM   #648
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You can learn a lot about a girl by ignoring her last 72 text messages.
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I just threw some salt over my shoulder for good luck. Ended up smashing a mirror with the salt shaker.
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Old 11-11-2015, 12:52 PM   #649
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When a wife says "It's ok, I can forgive you", what she really means is


"thanks for giving me something to throw in your face the next time I'm losing an argument..."
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Old 11-11-2015, 12:55 PM   #650
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Do not tell your little girl, "He's only being mean because he likes you" and then wonder why she only dates jerks when she gets older.
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