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Old 01-20-2017, 11:40 AM   #1361
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In preparation for the upcoming holiday:

Valentines Day = One more opportunity to prove that you just don't measure up!
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Old 01-21-2017, 03:25 AM   #1362
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It's impossible to please women.......

........ even at your wedding, you are not the best man
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A 72 hour hold in a psych unit is beginning to intrigue me as a potential vacation opportunity.
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Old 01-22-2017, 08:33 PM   #1363
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A woman noticed her husband standing on the bathroom scale, sucking in his stomach.

“Ha**! That’s not going to help,” she said.

“Sure, it does,” he said. “It’s the only way I can see the numbers.”
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Old 01-22-2017, 08:35 PM   #1364
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Never keep up with the Joneses.

Drag them down to your level; it’s cheaper.
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Old 01-22-2017, 08:36 PM   #1365
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On the first night of their 
honeymoon, the husband isn’t sure how to tell his bride about his stinky feet and smelly socks, while the wife is wondering how to break the news to him about her awful breath, which so far, she’s been able to cover up.

After some soul-searching, the 
husband gathers his nerve and says, “I have a confession.”

She draws closer, peers into his eyes, and says, “Darling, so do I.”

Recoiling, he says, “Don’t tell me—you’ve eaten my socks.”
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Old 01-22-2017, 08:37 PM   #1366
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My wife told me that I twist everything she says to my 
advantage. I take that as a compliment.
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Old 01-22-2017, 08:43 PM   #1367
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Quote:
Originally Posted by wmtire View Post
A woman noticed her husband standing on the bathroom scale, sucking in his stomach.

“Ha**! That’s not going to help,” she said.

“Sure, it does,” he said. “It’s the only way I can see the numbers.”
Oh, yeah?
What did I ever do to you?
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Old 01-22-2017, 08:44 PM   #1368
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A weeping woman bursts into her hypnotherapist’s office and declares, “Doctor, I have been faithful to my husband for 15 years, but yesterday 
I broke that trust and had an affair! The guilt is killing me. I just want to forget that it ever happened!”


The hypnotherapist shakes his head. “Not again …”
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Old 01-22-2017, 08:47 PM   #1369
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Realistic Romantic Comedies

• When Harry Met Sally and 
Discovered She Looks Nothing Like Her eHarmony Photos

• Love Handles, Actually

• Runaway Bridal Expenses
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Old 01-22-2017, 08:48 PM   #1370
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My husband and I couldn’t decide which jacket to buy our granddaughter, so we asked the young salesman.


“If you were buying a jacket for your girlfriend,” I said, “what would you get?”


“A bulletproof one,” he said. “I’m married.”
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Old 01-22-2017, 08:49 PM   #1371
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Marriage is really tough because you have to deal with feelings … and lawyers.
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Old 01-22-2017, 08:51 PM   #1372
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Even though there was a blizzard raging outside, I made it the half-mile to the bakery, where I asked the owner for six rolls.

“Your wife must like rolls,” he said.

“How do you know these are for my wife?” I asked.

“Because your mother wouldn’t send you out in weather like this.”
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Old 01-22-2017, 08:54 PM   #1373
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A soldier in my National Guard platoon became concerned when the Army insisted that he sign up for direct deposit.

"It’s not going to work for me," he said, panicked.

"Why not?" I asked.

"Because I use my Guard pay for spending money."

"So?"

"For the past ten years, I’ve been telling my wife that I serve for free!"
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Old 01-22-2017, 08:56 PM   #1374
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On his birthday, a husband was stuck driving his six rambunctious children around. As usual, they were yelling, punching, and annoying one another. He finally had had enough.

"Kids," he said over dinner, "if you would behave and be kind to each other, that would be a very nice birthday present for me."

The six-year-old shot back: "Too late, I already got you another present."
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Old 01-25-2017, 08:07 AM   #1375
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You know your spouse is a bad driver when the GPS says " In 400 feet stop and let me out."
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Old 01-25-2017, 08:12 AM   #1376
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I wonder if you pressure your child into becoming a drug addicted, alcoholic gang member, ...... if they will disappoint you and become a doctor?
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Old 01-26-2017, 01:27 PM   #1377
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wmtire, after reading thru this thread, I've come to the conclusion that you have a death wish!
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Old 01-26-2017, 01:43 PM   #1378
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wmtire, after reading thru this thread, I've come to the conclusion that you have a death wish!
I was thinking the same thing myself...

After 32 years of marriage, I cannot think of anything humorous about my relationship,,,,,,
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Old 01-26-2017, 01:48 PM   #1379
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wmtire, after reading thru this thread, I've come to the conclusion that you have a death wish!
Does it show? I thought I was concealing it quite well.
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Old 01-26-2017, 02:21 PM   #1380
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Girlfriend: "Am I pretty or ugly?"
Boyfriend: "You're both."
Girlfriend: "What do you mean?"
Boyfriend: "You're pretty ugly."
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