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Old 07-28-2015, 01:28 AM   #121
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My wife said she was going to chase her dream of becoming slim.

So far the dream has lapped her three times.

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My wife said she'd like another baby...

...I agreed, the one we have is annoying!

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Looking forward to the kids growing up and getting their own houses so I can do a big job in their toilet and forget to flush it.

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My girlfriend says that I never solve my own problems.

How do I prove her wrong?
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Old 07-28-2015, 11:15 AM   #122
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My wife wears the pants in our relationship.

Because I make her.

Her legs are hideous.
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Old 07-28-2015, 04:20 PM   #123
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"Don't look at me like I'm an idiot," said my wife.

It was the last time I ever saw her.
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Old 07-29-2015, 09:20 AM   #124
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Old 07-29-2015, 10:34 AM   #125
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I took my son to school for the first time today and was amazed at the amount of moms turning up in 4 x 4's. I thought to myself, they will never use those for off-roading.

Then I saw them trying to park.
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Old 07-29-2015, 11:41 AM   #126
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lmfao! great thread!
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Old 07-29-2015, 01:06 PM   #127
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Wedding - a funeral where you smell your own flowers.
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Old 07-29-2015, 01:21 PM   #128
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Know why the groom cried at his wedding?

I do.
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Old 07-29-2015, 01:30 PM   #129
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WARNING to the ladies... When you get married, you don't get a marriage license... you actually get adoption papers for an over grown kid!
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Old 08-08-2015, 08:39 PM   #130
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My girlfriend and I want different things out of our relationship.

She wants marriage, children and a house.

I just want out.
----------------------------------------------

I guess our first date went pretty much like most of them do.
After some drinks, she excused herself to go to the bathroom. That was in June.
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A failsafe way to tell if a girl is over 30:

Ask her how old she is.

If she doesn't tell you, she's over 30.

---------------------------------------------

My wife has kept all her old baby pictures.

She had to, it's hard throwing away a cave painting.

-----------------------------------------------
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Old 08-12-2015, 05:43 PM   #131
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I left my wife because she was too pushy.

She was giving birth at the time.

-----------------------------------------

I told my neighbor, "Your dog is driving me crazy!"

"But we don't have a dog..." she replied.

I said, "See what I mean."

-----------------------------------------

I'm starting to get self-conscious about my body odor. On my last two dates, the woman has sprayed me with perfume before I kissed her goodnight.

Not sure of the brand but it had a distinct sharp, peppery smell.
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Old 08-14-2015, 10:09 AM   #132
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My girlfriend called me apathetic and left
I was just about to run after her and ask 'a pathetic what..'
Then I realized I don't care.
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Old 08-14-2015, 06:27 PM   #133
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Are you ignorant, or apathetic?

I don't know and I don't care!
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Old 08-16-2015, 07:36 PM   #134
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Joe, I'm sorry. I've been riddled with guilt and I have to confess: I have been helping myself to your wife when you're not around, probably more than you ever knew.. I know it's no excuse, but I don't get it at home.I can't live with the guilt any longer and I hope you'll accept my sincerest apology. It won't happen again."
Feeling outraged and betrayed Joe grabs a suitcase, storms into the
bedroom.
He throws his wife's clothes in it and screams at her to get out,their marriage is over.
As she leaves in tears, Joe gets a second text:


"I Really should use spell check!
That should have read "WIFI'."
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Old 08-17-2015, 08:02 AM   #135
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I had another argument with my wife about her weight.

Apparently it wasn't her blocking my phone signal, I had just run out of credit.
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Old 08-18-2015, 01:05 PM   #136
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I asked my wife 'if I was a vegetable, what vegetable would I be?'

She replied 'an onion'

I said 'aww that's sweet, because I have many layers?'

She replied 'No, because you're round, you stink, and you make me cry'.
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Old 08-18-2015, 02:59 PM   #137
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Quote:
Originally Posted by wmtire View Post
I asked my wife 'if I was a vegetable, what vegetable would I be?'

She replied 'an onion'

I said 'aww that's sweet, because I have many layers?'

She replied 'No, because you're round, you stink, and you make me cry'.
Maybe this isn't or shouldn't be called Humor - perhaps she is just telling the truth.
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Old 08-18-2015, 03:48 PM   #138
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Maybe this isn't or shouldn't be called Humor - perhaps she is just telling the truth.
The truth couldn't be printed in a family friendly forum.
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Old 08-18-2015, 05:29 PM   #139
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It just dawned on me why Mayberry was so peaceful and quiet.... nobody was married.

Here are the single people that come to mind. Andy, Aunt Bea, Barney, Floyd, Howard,
Goober, Gomer, Sam, Ernest T Bass, the Darlin family, Helen, Thelma Lou, Clara......

In fact, the only one married was Otis, and he stayed drunk.
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Old 08-18-2015, 09:02 PM   #140
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It just dawned on me why Mayberry was so peaceful and quiet.... nobody was married.

Here are the single people that come to mind. Andy, Aunt Bea, Barney, Floyd, Howard,
Goober, Gomer, Sam, Ernest T Bass, the Darlin family, Helen, Thelma Lou, Clara......

In fact, the only one married was Otis, and he stayed drunk.
Andy the sheriff had no wife wonder what happen to her..jus saying
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