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Old 01-26-2017, 02:26 PM   #1381
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An OLD one...

A police officer attempts to stop a car for speeding and the guy gradually increases his speed until he's topping 100 mph. The man eventually realizes he can't escape and finally pulls over. The cop approaches the car and says, "It's been a long day and my shift is almost over, so if you can give me a good excuse for your behavior, I'll let you go." The guy thinks for a few seconds and then says, "My wife ran away with a cop about a week ago. I thought you might be that officer trying to give her back!"
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Old 01-26-2017, 02:28 PM   #1382
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Teacher: "Answer this math problem: if your father earns $500 a week and gives half to your mother. What will he have?"
Student: "A heart attack."
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Old 01-26-2017, 02:31 PM   #1383
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A woman was taking an afternoon nap. When she woke up, she told her husband, "I just dreamed that you gave me a pearl necklace. What do you think it means?" "You'll know tonight," he said. That evening, the man came home with a small package and gave it to his wife. Delighted, she opened it to find a book entitled "The Meaning of Dreams."
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Old 01-26-2017, 02:39 PM   #1384
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A husband, who has six children, begins to call his wife “mother of six” rather than by her first name. The wife, amused at first, chuckles. A few years down the road, the wife has grown tired of this. "Mother of six," he would say, "what’s for dinner tonight? Get me a beer!" She gets very frustrated. Finally, while attending a party with her husband, he jokingly yells out, "Mother of six, I think it's time to go!" The wife immediately shouts back, "I'll be right with you, father of four!"
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Old 01-26-2017, 02:40 PM   #1385
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A bus full of housewives going on a picnic crashed with no survivors. Each husband cried for a week, but one husband continued for more than two weeks. When asked he replied miserably, "My wife missed the bus."
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Old 01-26-2017, 02:42 PM   #1386
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A husband asks his wife, "Will you marry after I die?" The wife responds, "No, I will live with my sister." The wife asks him back, "Will you marry after I die?" The husband responds, "No, I will also live with your sister."
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Old 01-26-2017, 02:46 PM   #1387
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Wife: "Our new neighbor always kisses his wife when he leaves for work. Why don't you do that?"
Husband: "How can I? I don't even know her."

Q: Why are most hurricanes named after women?
A: Because when they come they are wet and wild and when they leave they take your house and your car.

A man goes to see a wizard and says, "Can you lift a curse that a priest put on me years ago?" "Maybe," says the wizard, "Can remember the exact words of the curse?" The man replies, "I pronounce you man and wife."

A man comes home, finds his wife in bed with another man, and asks, “What is this?!?” The wife turns to her lover and says, “See, I told you he was stupid!”

Marriage is a 3-ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.
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Old 01-26-2017, 02:49 PM   #1388
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Originally Posted by SidecarFlip View Post
I was thinking the same thing myself...

After 32 years of marriage, I cannot think of anything humorous about my relationship,,,,,,
Aw, that's really too sad..... After 50 something years with my bride, we still find humor nearly every day. For instance:

The other day, we were talking to another couple about what keeps a marriage going well. Without missing a beat, I replied "Whenever someone asks me my opinion about anything, I turn to my wife and ask 'Honey, what do I think of that?' "

The part that still puzzles me is that I can still be wrong.......
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Old 01-29-2017, 09:11 PM   #1389
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We used to play a game called spin the bottle when I was a kid. A girl would spin the bottle and if it pointed to you when it stopped, the girl could either kiss you or give you a dime. By the time I was 14, I bought my own motorcycle.
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Old 01-31-2017, 07:17 AM   #1390
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Me and the missus went to marriage counseling the other day. The counselor asked what the problem was.

I said "What's her name here says that I don't pay her enough attention"!
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Old 01-31-2017, 05:05 PM   #1391
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The first year of being married is fun. Learning the habits of the other. The cute and fun little things they do.
The 2nd year it is the little things they do that drive you crazy. Like waking up breathing.

HAHA
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Old 01-31-2017, 05:11 PM   #1392
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For Christmas one year (true story) I bought my wife a gas oven. We had an electric one but she wanted a gas one.
So Merry Christmas I bought her a brand new gas oven.
At a church event a couple nights later she was telling the other ladies about her new oven and how she liked it and what a great husband I was.
That evening a couple ladies came up to me and told me how wonderful I was to buy me wife a new gas oven. I replied "Thank you. And I also warned her that now when she sticks her head in it in will work" The ladies quickly decided I was awful. Funny, I thought it was good advice.

HAHA
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Old 02-01-2017, 09:05 AM   #1393
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Old 02-01-2017, 11:57 AM   #1394
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I'll have to remember that one...
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Old 02-01-2017, 12:22 PM   #1395
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john was sitting sunday morning in his recliner, reading the newspaper and drinking a coffe. suddenly he gets a text message:


John- it's me- peter- your neighbor. I just came back from church and we talked about guilt and sin. Now as I understood, I need to admit because I can not live longer in sin. It's going on since a year now and now I have to come clean with you. I have to tell you, that every day I tab your wife. I am sorry for what I did and I promise I'll make it up to you.


without emotion- john got up, the .45 out of the drawer, up the stairs and shot his wife, still in bed. 5 times.


His phone rings. another text message:


WIFI. I meant WIFI.
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Old 02-03-2017, 05:02 PM   #1396
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My friend is such a tightwad, that he got himself tasered by the police so he could recharge his iPhone.
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Old 02-03-2017, 05:07 PM   #1397
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My friend is such a tightwad, that he got himself tasered by the police so he could recharge his iPhone.
I can not afford an iPhone..... I have to call everyone 'collect' on my 'Go Phone'....
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Old 02-03-2017, 05:12 PM   #1398
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I approached this very attractive girl in a club and asked for her number..

She said "Have you got a pen?"

I said "Yeah"

She said "Well get back in it you pig"
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Old 02-04-2017, 02:50 PM   #1399
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My dad always told me he never made the same mistake twice

Must be why I'm an only child.
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Old 02-09-2017, 06:28 PM   #1400
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Look at the way a female will react if you hurt a puppy and compare it to the way she will react if you kill a spider.

Moral? If a woman doesn't think you're cute, she doesn't care whether you live or die.
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