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Old 11-22-2015, 10:00 PM   #711
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I can't believe how shallow some women on dating sites can be.

I'd been talking to this girl for a while and we were getting on OK, but then she turned round and said she wasn't interested, JUST because of the type of car I live in.
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I just threw some salt over my shoulder for good luck. Ended up smashing a mirror with the salt shaker.
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Old 11-22-2015, 10:17 PM   #712
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I never thought I'd meet the woman of my dreams on an on-line dating site.

And I was right.
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I just threw some salt over my shoulder for good luck. Ended up smashing a mirror with the salt shaker.
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Old 11-22-2015, 10:35 PM   #713
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I described myself as tall, dark and handsome on a dating website...It's a pretty good description of me if I stood on a chair, turned out the light...and lied.
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Old 11-23-2015, 08:20 AM   #714
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I went on a vacation with the wife, where we stayed up in the mountains in a rustic cabin, that was rumored to be haunted.

On the first night I said, "I think there's a monster under my bed..."

"Grow up," she replied.

"No, really," I continued. "It's hideous..."

"Stop joking around," she snapped. "I knew it was a mistake letting you have the top bunk."
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Old 11-23-2015, 08:25 AM   #715
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My wife has become very insecure in her middle age.

"I'm so jealous of you," she said. "You're still good looking and full of confidence."

"Don't be silly," I replied. "It should be me who is jealous of you."

"Really?" she asked, as her face lit up.

"Of course," I said. "You get to be married to me. I'm stuck with an insecure person having a mid-life crisis.."
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Old 11-23-2015, 08:27 AM   #716
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I just told my brother he was adopted.

He said, "At least they picked me."
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Old 11-23-2015, 08:30 AM   #717
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My wife just asked me, "Have you ever heard the saying, Pretty as a Pot Bellied Pig".

"No" I replied. "Can't say I have".

She said, "Well go on a diet then, Fatty".
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Old 11-23-2015, 08:34 AM   #718
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I'm beginning to suspect I'm not as popular as I thought I was.

I've been in hospital for two weeks, and the only "Hope you get well soon!" card I've got is from the nurses.
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Old 11-23-2015, 08:37 AM   #719
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My girlfriend got a haircut where they cut off two inches, and she was so upset about it. She came home and cried for two hours. I was like, 'Why are you so upset? It's just a haircut. I'm the one who's got to find a new girlfriend.
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Old 11-24-2015, 06:29 PM   #720
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She was outside pulling weeds on a hot summer day when her husband
walked up and asked her what they were having for dinner.

Irritated by the thought of him sitting in the air conditioned house while she
labored away on the weeds, she snapped, "I can't believe you're asking me
about supper right now! Pretend I'm out of town, go inside and make
dinner yourself!"

So he went back in the house and fixed himself a big steak, potatoes, garlic
bread, and a tall beer.

His wife walked in just about the time he was finishing up and asked,
"Where's my dinner?"

"Huh? I thought you were out of town."
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