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Old 03-08-2017, 06:08 PM   #1421
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I have a buddy whose wife's cooking is so bad that the flies pitched in to fix the screen door.

He leaves dental floss in the kitchen so he can watch the roaches hang themselves.
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Old 03-08-2017, 06:32 PM   #1422
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Some Rodney Dangerfield classics:


I tell ya, my wife's a lousy cook… after dinner, I don't brush my teeth, I count them.

I’m not going to say my wife can’t cook, but should toast have bones?

My wife’s a bad cook; the other night, she fixed alphabet soup – it spelled out “Help!”

One night she told me to put out the garbage; I told her "you cooked it, you take it out."

My wife has to be the worst cook; her specialty is indigestion.
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Old 03-09-2017, 04:03 PM   #1423
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I walked up to a girl in the bar and asked her if she liked the strong and silent type.

"As a matter of fact I do." She said.

So I let out a fart and walked away.
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Old 03-09-2017, 10:24 PM   #1424
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My parents only had one argument in forty-five years; it lasted forty-three years.
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Old 03-09-2017, 10:25 PM   #1425
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Obviously, if I was serious about having a relationship with some one long-term, the last people I would introduce her to would be my family.
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Old 03-09-2017, 10:26 PM   #1426
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When I die, I want it to be on my 100th birthday, in my beach house on Maui and I want my wife to be so upset she has to drop out of college.
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Old 03-09-2017, 10:31 PM   #1427
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I'm single now, and it's really weird for me to be dating again because, for the last three years, I've just been cheating.
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Old 03-09-2017, 10:32 PM   #1428
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Family reunions are when relatives gather from all over to be reminded why they scattered in the first place.
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Old 03-09-2017, 10:48 PM   #1429
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Christmas always sucked when I was a kid because I believed in Santa Claus, and unfortunately, so did my parents.
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Old 03-10-2017, 05:08 AM   #1430
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A father is a banker provided by nature.
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Old 03-14-2017, 12:48 PM   #1431
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Marriage is an attempt to solve problems together which you didn't even have when you were on your own.
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Old 03-18-2017, 11:17 AM   #1432
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It cost me 30 grand when my wife was kidnapped

Heckuva party though
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Old 03-19-2017, 04:38 AM   #1433
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I've been in love with the same woman for forty-one years. If my wife finds out, she'll kill me.
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Old 03-19-2017, 04:40 AM   #1434
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A guy knows he's in love when he loses interest in his truck for a couple of days.
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Old 03-19-2017, 04:43 AM   #1435
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Wearing Husband Goggles

The party’s host paid me a great compliment. “You are a good-looking woman,” he said. “Honest—I’ve had only one beer.”

My glow was only slightly dimmed when my husband interjected, “Imagine how great she’ll look after two.”
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Old 03-19-2017, 10:18 AM   #1436
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It cost me 30 grand when my wife was kidnapped

Heckuva party though


I don't get it.
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Old 03-19-2017, 10:23 AM   #1437
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My wife and I just completed a 3000 mile road trip. I drove half the time, and she drove the whole way!
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Old 03-19-2017, 01:01 PM   #1438
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I don't get it.


I only assumed he was celebrating to the extreme. Did she come back? Doesn't say.
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Old 03-19-2017, 01:09 PM   #1439
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I only assumed he was celebrating to the extreme. Did she come back? Doesn't say.

I see. Celebrating her being gone, maybe.
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Old 03-19-2017, 04:16 PM   #1440
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I see. Celebrating her being gone, maybe.
not maybe, ..... that IS the jest of the post, ..
he spent 30 grand THROWING a party(celebrating),
BECAUSE she was kidnapped(gone), .....
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