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Old 11-25-2015, 01:45 AM   #721
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I woke up next to a woman I didn't recognize this morning.

Then I realized it was the wife smiling.
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I just threw some salt over my shoulder for good luck. Ended up smashing a mirror with the salt shaker.
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Old 11-25-2015, 01:46 AM   #722
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How do you know your wife is a good housekeeper? A: After the divorce she keeps the house!
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Old 11-25-2015, 01:49 AM   #723
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My wife always tells me that giving birth to our children was the most amazing thing she has ever done.

I have no idea what she's talking about though.

I guess I had to be there.
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I just threw some salt over my shoulder for good luck. Ended up smashing a mirror with the salt shaker.
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Old 11-25-2015, 01:49 AM   #724
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When we divorced we shared the house 50 / 50. She got the inside...I got the outside ! -
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Old 11-25-2015, 01:51 AM   #725
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To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little. To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all
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Old 11-25-2015, 05:41 AM   #726
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My laptop was down for two hours on Saturday so I couldn't access my Twitter.

It was terrible.

I had to call random people from the phone book and tell them what I had for lunch.
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I just threw some salt over my shoulder for good luck. Ended up smashing a mirror with the salt shaker.
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Old 11-25-2015, 05:52 AM   #727
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On Valentine's Day, yet again I'll be in the house on my own, watching television and eating takeout food with no one to talk to.

I really can't see a downside.
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I just threw some salt over my shoulder for good luck. Ended up smashing a mirror with the salt shaker.
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Old 11-25-2015, 05:55 AM   #728
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It's been 2 days now and I'm frantically trying to find the guy who sent my wife her only Valentine's card, as I plan to put him in the hospital.

The guy seriously needs immediate psychiatric help.
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I just threw some salt over my shoulder for good luck. Ended up smashing a mirror with the salt shaker.
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Old 11-25-2015, 05:58 AM   #729
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My wife just sent me a text: "I just bought you the best birthday present! xox"

I really hope she misspelt Xbox.
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I just threw some salt over my shoulder for good luck. Ended up smashing a mirror with the salt shaker.
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Old 11-25-2015, 06:01 AM   #730
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I bought my Wife a new Iron for Valentines day,

She was so happy that she ran out of the house crying with emotion.

She must still be out telling her friends how wonderful I am as she's not back yet.
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