More relationship humor

[wmtire]

"Dad..."

"What?"

"How do you know when you've met the right woman?"

"They tell you, son."

[wmtire]

My dad gave me some advice a few years ago.

He said, "Son, if you ever get into a fight in a bar, just take a ball from the pool table and put it in your sock."

Worst advice ever, I could hardly run.

[wmtire]

My wife hosted a dinner party for all our friends, some of whom we hadn't seen for ages and everyone was encouraged to bring their children along as well.

All throughout dinner my wife's best friend's four-year-old daughter stared at me as I sat opposite her. The girl could hardly eat her food for staring.

I checked my shirt for spots, felt my face for food, and patted my hair in place, but nothing stopped her from staring at me. I tried my best to just ignore her, but finally it was too much for me.

I asked her, "Why are you staring at me?"

Everyone at the table had noticed her behavior, and the table went quiet for her response.

The little girl said, "I'm just waiting to see how you drink like a fish.”

[wmtire]

"You know you said we should be honest with each-other in our marriage and not afraid of criticism?" I asked. "Well... it's just that I don't like that dress..it doesn't do anything for you and it makes you look a bit...frumpy."

"Oh, Dave," she sobbed. "How can you be so cruel? And at this point in our relationship?"

"I know, I know," I said. "I apologize. Sorry Reverend...I meant...I Do."

[wmtire]

My wife has a question for everything I say.

I fear our relationship is in jeopardy.

[wmtire]

I bumped into an ex of mine, who never gave me a reason for ending our previous relationship.

"Long time no see," I said, "So, tell me, why exactly did you dump me?"

"Because you were constantly making bad jokes," she replied.

"I guess you have a point," I shyly admitted.

"So, what's new?" she asked.

I said, "It's an adjective."

[SailorSam20500]

She's sticking to him through all the trouble he never would have had if he hadn't married her in thevfirst place.

He remembers when and where he married her, what escapes him is why.

He takes his daytime problems to bed with him - she is opposed to separate bedrooms.

When he first married her, he could have eaten her alive. Now he is sorry he didn't.

He believed in dreams, until he married her.

He calls her the salt of the earth - he's been trying to shake her for years.

He's just been given 2 months to live - that's how long she will be away on her buisness trip.

[wmtire]

I've just got home after celebrating my wife's birthday.

She doesn't look pleased to see me.

[wmtire]

I did some odd jobs around the house today.

I vacuumed the ceiling, painted the oven and built a new door-way.

[Platokidd]

Attachment 135808

[fella10]

A retired guy sits around the house all day, so one day his wife says,

“Scott, you could do something useful, like vacuum the house once a week."

Scott gives it a moment’s thought and says: “Sure ! Why not. Where’s the vacuum ?"

Half an hour later, Scott comes into the kitchen to get some coffee.

His wife says, “I didn't hear the vacuum running: I thought you were going to do the vacuuming ?”

Exasperated, Scott answers, “The stupid thing is broken:it won't start. We need to buy a new one.”

Really?” she says, “show me -- it worked fine the last time.”

So he shows her. (Click Here)

[wmtire]

I got home from the bar last night at six minutes past eleven..

"What time do you call this??" Yelled my wife. "I told you to be home at eleven. What's the matter with you, can't you tell even time, you useless slob?
My mother was right, I should never have married a pathetic pig like you.

""I'm sorry love, it wasn't my fault." I explained. "I was just finishing my mug to come home, when some guy started asking all about you."

"Really?" She said. "What did he want to know?"

"Why I was crying."

[wmtire]

I was telling my coworker how my identity had recently been stolen.

"Oh my," he said, "Did you report it to the police?"

"There was no need," I said, "The thieves couldn't use it to get a credit card so they gave it right back to me."

[wmtire]

My wife's nagging started right on cue... "Stand up straight... don't slouch....look at me when I'm talking to you !!"

I paused the tape. Who knows why I keep re-watching my wedding video.

[wmtire]

My doctor is concerned about my drinking , so he has told me to keep a record of exactly how much I consume in a week.

I said that'll work most days.... but Friday, Saturday, & Sunday will have to be an estimate.

[SailorSam20500]

My wife and I were happy for twenty years; then we met. (hope this isn't a repeat, long thread!)

[wmtire]

I used to be arrogant and self opinionated, but since I've become perfect I find those sort of things beneath me.

[wmtire]

I'm so excited that this girl said I was the one!

I'm sure the other guys in the police lineup are jealous.

[wmtire]

One of my friends told me that I often make people uncomfortable by violating their personal space.

It was an incredibly hurtful thing to say and completely ruined our bath.

[wmtire]

I'd been searching for ages but couldn't find my keys anywhere.

My girlfriend said, "Look harder."

So I shaved my head and got a couple of tattoos, but I still couldn't find them.