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Old 06-13-2017, 09:23 AM   #1521
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Some kids start training to become Olympians at age 5.

I'm still training my kids to come home from school with more than one shoe.
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A 72 hour hold in a psych unit is beginning to intrigue me as a potential vacation opportunity.
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Old 06-22-2017, 10:46 PM   #1522
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My gambling addiction must be getting out of hand because I've just lost my wife in a game of poker.

She said "How could you do such a thing, losing your wife in a stupid card game"?

I replied "Sorry love, it was very hard for me at the time"

She said "How do you mean"?

I replied "Well it wasn't easy, folding when you have four aces".
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Old 06-27-2017, 08:05 AM   #1523
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God and Adam were talking..
God: So Adam how do you like Eve?
Adam : Oh she is beautiful! Why did you make her so pretty?
God: So you would love her.
Adam : Yes, of course and I do... Why did you make her so stupid?
God: Oh, so she would love you.
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Old 06-29-2017, 09:07 AM   #1524
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I asked my wife what she wants for our anniversary.

Where exactly am I supposed to get the last 10 years of her life back?
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Old 07-03-2017, 11:14 PM   #1525
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I got pulled over by a female police officer. When I rolled down my window to ask what was wrong, she said...

"NOTHING!"
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Old 07-03-2017, 11:30 PM   #1526
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I heard this on the radio the other day...

Two guys were quickly wheeling shopping carts around Home Depot...one elderly and one in his 20's. They ran into each other....

"Sorry about that" said the elderly man, "I wasn't looking where I was going because I've been trying to find my wife for 20 minutes now!"

"No problem," said the younger man, "I've been looking for my wife for 25 minutes!"

"Tell you what," said the old man, "Why don't we team up and find our wives together? What does yours look like?"

"Great idea!" said the young man! "Well, my wife is in her 20's, a tall blonde, and she's a buxom swimsuit model. Now, what does your wife look like?"

"It doesn't matter" said the old man, "Let's go find your wife!"
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Old 07-10-2017, 12:01 PM   #1527
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My neighbor is such an inconsiderate jerk. Last Saturday a week ago, he woke me up mowing his yard at 8am again.

Well, he will just have to mow around me today. I'm not moving.
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Old 07-12-2017, 12:03 PM   #1528
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Two guys died and went to the Pearly Gates and sat down on a bench that was in front of a big desk. Peter walks in, looks at his clipboard and says, "I'm sorry to say this but our quota for the day is almost full and we can only allow one to enter. So whoever is the most humble, please stand up!"
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Old 07-13-2017, 08:15 AM   #1529
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Not saying my wife is old but when she was born her great grandparents were children
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Old 07-13-2017, 08:08 PM   #1530
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Dating ad translations

DANDY LITTLE HOUSE KEEPER:
She has been married three times and kept all the houses

THE OUTDOOR TYPE:
She hunts, fishes, chews tobacco, just like the guys

LIVES LIFE TO THE FULLEST
Alcoholic. Likes to start the day with a couple of Bacardi Breezers. Happy Hour is her favorite time of day.

OLD FASHIONED
Male chauvinist pig. A woman's place is in the home and, more precisely, the kitchen - preferably cooking his meals and elbow deep in his dirty shirts.
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Old 07-13-2017, 08:16 PM   #1531
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I don’t need Google – my wife knows everything.
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Old 07-13-2017, 08:18 PM   #1532
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We must be married to the same woman.
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Old 07-13-2017, 08:21 PM   #1533
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Women rarely know what they want, but they desperately have to get it.
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Old 07-13-2017, 08:22 PM   #1534
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Woman – a complete opposite of a dog. A dog understands everything but can’t say anything.
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Old 07-13-2017, 08:27 PM   #1535
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Love is like peeing yourself – everyone can see but only you feel the warmth.
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Old 07-31-2017, 10:07 AM   #1536
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I'm in the doghouse again at home, the wife's not talking to me.

Be to be fair, has any man ever won a game of 'notice anything different about me?'
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Old 07-31-2017, 10:35 AM   #1537
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There are two theories to arguing with a woman.

Neither one works.
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Old 07-31-2017, 02:33 PM   #1538
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I went through an expensive and painful procedure yesterday, having had my spine and both testicles removed.

Still, some of the wedding presents were fantastic.
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Old 07-31-2017, 02:36 PM   #1539
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I got really angry with my sat nav today. I even yelled at it to go to hell. 20 minutes later, it brought me in front of my mother-in-law’s house
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Old 07-31-2017, 02:38 PM   #1540
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Arguing with the wife is a lot like trying to read the Terms of Use on the internet. In the end you just give up and go “I Agree”
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