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Old 07-31-2017, 02:41 PM   #1541
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When a woman says something like “Do what you want” – seriously dude, don’t do what you want. Stand still as a statue. No blinking. Play dead.
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Old 07-31-2017, 02:45 PM   #1542
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Men who ignore their wives’ raised eyebrows are losing valuable time in which to escape.
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Old 07-31-2017, 03:20 PM   #1543
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"Behind every great man there's a woman rolling her eyes..."
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Old 07-31-2017, 03:58 PM   #1544
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In any argument, a wife has the last word. Anything the husband says after that last word is the beginning of a new argument.
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Old 07-31-2017, 04:30 PM   #1545
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Advice for wives : if a man says he will do something he will do it. You don't have to remind him every 6 months.
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Old 07-31-2017, 05:16 PM   #1546
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I’ve just had a really big row with my wife about going on vacation. I wanted to go to Paris; she wanted to come with me.
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Old 07-31-2017, 05:18 PM   #1547
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Life hack: Hold your wife’s hand in the shopping mall. If you don’t, she might start shopping. For her it is romantic; for you it is economical.
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Old 07-31-2017, 05:20 PM   #1548
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Man: Darling, I just ordered our groceries online.

Wife: Really?! You’ve just sent me a Whatsapp saying I should do the shopping.

Man: Well, that’s what I said.
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Old 07-31-2017, 06:25 PM   #1549
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The most successful wives don’t just randomly select their husbands. They pick them.

Clean to the bone.
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Old 07-31-2017, 07:35 PM   #1550
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Dano1955 View Post
Men who ignore their wives’ raised eyebrows are losing valuable time in which to escape.
That one should be in a fortune cookie.
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Old 08-01-2017, 08:45 AM   #1551
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We have been married 12 years, my wife has given birth 3 times, but still fits in her wedding dress.

I don't even fit in the pants I was given as a birthday gift in April.
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Old 08-01-2017, 08:59 AM   #1552
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'You think so much of golf that you don't even remember when we were married.'

'Of course I do, my dear, it was the day I sank that forty-foot putt.'

Nigel and Stephen, are keen fishermen and wine drinkers; here you can see a photo taken while they are enjoying some night fishing while on holiday, with their wives, in Poitou-Charente, France, last year.

Slurping a large Bordeaux Supérieur, Nigel announces, 'I think I'm going to divorce my wife, she hasn't spoken to me in eighteen months.'

Stephen downs his glass of the red wine thoughtfully and after a while responds, 'Think it over a bit more, Nige; women like that are hard to find.'

A husband and wife were at a party chatting with some friends when the subject of marriage counselling came up.

'Oh, we'll never need that. My husband and I have a great relationship, 'the wife explained.' He was a communications major in college and I majored in theatre arts. He communicates really well and I just act like I'm listening.'

Russ, a deeply suspicious husband, hired a private detective to check on the movements of his wife. In addition to a written report, the husband wanted a video of his wife's affairs.

A week later, the detective returned with a film. They sat down together and proceeded to watch it. Although the quality was less than professional, Russ saw his wife meeting another man. He saw the two of them strolling arm in arm and laughing in the park. Russ viewed them enjoying themselves at an outdoor cafe. He then watched them dancing in a dimly lit nightclub. Russ saw them having fun and continually laughing together.

'I just can't believe this,' spluttered the distraught Russ.

'What's not to believe?' the detective responded. 'It's right up there on the screen.'

'I simply can't believe my wife could be so much fun.' Russ replies grimly.


Ten Short Relationship Jokes

I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months - I don't like to interrupt her.
Love is grand... Divorce is 75 grand.
Shared joy is a double joy; shared sorrow is half a sorrow. - Swedish Proverb
Don't smother each other. No one can grow in the shade. - Leo Buscaglia
Someone to tell it to is one of the fundamental needs of human beings. - Miles Franklin
Piglet sidled up to Pooh from behind. 'Pooh!' he whispered. 'Yes, Piglet?' 'Nothing,' said Piglet, taking Pooh's paw. 'I just wanted to be sure of you.' - A.A. Milne
You cannot be lonely if you like the person you're alone with. - Wayne W. Dyer
Soul-mates are people who bring out the best in you. They are not perfect but are always perfect for you. - Anonymous
Nature gave us one tongue and two ears so we could hear twice as much as we speak. - Epictetus
A successful marriage requires falling in love many times, always with the same person. - Mignon McLaughlin
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Old 08-01-2017, 09:07 AM   #1553
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On their 50th wedding anniversary and during the dinner celebrating it, Byron was asked to give his friends a brief account of the benefits of a marriage of such long duration.

'Tell us Byron, just what is it you have learned from all those wonderful years with your wife?'

Byron responds, 'Well, I've learned that marriage is the best teacher of all. It teaches you loyalty, forbearance, meekness, self-restraint, forgiveness and a great many other qualities you wouldn't have needed if you'd stayed single.'

The other night, my wife and I were going out. She sat there and put on eyebrow pencil, eye shadow, eyeliner, eyelashes, mascara, toner, blush and lipstick, then turned to me and enquired, 'Does this look natural?'

There were no two ways about it. Rosie was fat. Very fat. “Martha”, said Rosie to her best friend, “it was terrible what happened yesterday after the birthday party. You know how half of the birthday cake was left over? Well, I knew Bob would be fuming at me for eating it,with my diet and all, but I couldn’t help myself, it started with just a small nibble and before I knew it the whole cake was gone!.” “Oh my!” clucked Martha, “was Bob really upset?” “He never found it”, responded Rosie with a full double chin smile, “I just baked another cake and ate half of it!”
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Old 08-01-2017, 09:26 AM   #1554
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Diamonds aren't a girl's best friend..

I've never heard women talking about them behind their backs.
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Old 08-01-2017, 09:36 AM   #1555
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While raising our young children my wife and I learned the lesson of not planting seeds in the minds of our children. IE while driving to grandma's house we learned the hard way to not mention certain words like "ice-cream" because the moment we did they immediately wanted "ice-cream".

So we learned to spell the words... One day my wife and I were talking and spelling words on our way to grandma's house.

My wife spelled out the word for needing to use the bathroom. She said, "I need to "p". . . I had to pull over because suddenly 4 children and my wife needed to Pee even though we had just stopped 30 minutes earlier.
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Old 08-01-2017, 09:59 AM   #1556
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I have just won an argument with my wife.

We were arguing about how stupid I am.
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Old 08-01-2017, 01:05 PM   #1557
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Tip for all young men thinking of getting married:

1. You're always wrong.
2. You're always sorry.
3. She never wants "just one" of your fries.
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Old 08-01-2017, 01:30 PM   #1558
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Another tip for the young man contemplating marriage. Before you argue with your new bride, and you will, ask yourself two questions. Do you want to be right or do you want to be happy? - Jeff Alan
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Old 08-01-2017, 02:03 PM   #1559
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Why do we men die before our wives?









Because we want to.
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Old 08-01-2017, 04:31 PM   #1560
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If I had a dollar for every woman that found me unattractive, they would eventually find me attractive
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