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Old 08-01-2017, 04:34 PM   #1561
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My wife asked me if I thought she was getting fat. I said no, just easier to see.
So the fight started.......
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Old 08-01-2017, 08:36 PM   #1562
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If I had a dollar for every woman that found me unattractive, they would eventually find me attractive
Red Green show?
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Old 08-01-2017, 09:04 PM   #1563
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Why do we men die before our wives?









Because we want to.
That one made me lol
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Old 08-01-2017, 10:33 PM   #1564
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When Love Fades……….
Last night I was sitting on the sofa watching TV when I heard my wife's voice from the kitchen ask...
"What would you like for dinner, my love? Chicken, Beef or Lamb?"
I said, "Thank you, dear, I think I'll have chicken tonight."

She replied ,"Idiot, you're having soup. I was talking to the dog."
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Old 08-01-2017, 10:57 PM   #1565
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When Love Fades……….
Last night I was sitting on the sofa watching TV when I heard my wife's voice from the kitchen ask...
"What would you like for dinner, my love? Chicken, Beef or Lamb?"
I said, "Thank you, dear, I think I'll have chicken tonight."

She replied ,"Idiot, you're having soup. I was talking to the dog."
I think that is normal,,, not unusual,,,
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Old 08-02-2017, 10:22 AM   #1566
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By the time my dad was my age, he had started a business, owned a home and had 3 kids.

Maybe if he wasn't so busy, he could have taught me how to do any one of those things.
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Old 08-02-2017, 02:58 PM   #1567
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Diamonds aren't a girl's best friend..

I've never heard women talking about them behind their backs.


Mmhmmmm. You never heard women back-biting another woman for the crappy stone THEY got.
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Old 08-02-2017, 03:04 PM   #1568
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While raising our young children my wife and I learned the lesson of not planting seeds in the minds of our children. IE while driving to grandma's house we learned the hard way to not mention certain words like "ice-cream" because the moment we did they immediately wanted "ice-cream".

So we learned to spell the words... One day my wife and I were talking and spelling words on our way to grandma's house.

My wife spelled out the word for needing to use the bathroom. She said, "I need to "p". . . I had to pull over because suddenly 4 children and my wife needed to Pee even though we had just stopped 30 minutes earlier.


We were spelling a word in front of the 2YO GS... he was 2 at the time. He had no idea what we were spelling, but he knew what spelling was I guess. A few seconds later he said "B I N G O
spelled out of course) and I bout peed myself. God I love him.
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Old 08-02-2017, 04:30 PM   #1569
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Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow Internet service to see who they really are.

Whenever I date a guy, I think, is this the man that I want my children to spend their weekends with?

Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

An archaeologist is the best husband any woman can have; the older she gets the more interested he is in her.

The most important thing in a relationship between a man and a woman is that one of them must be good at taking orders.

Relationships are hard. It’s like a full-time job, and we should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you, they should give you two weeks’ notice. There should be severance pay, and before they leave you, they should have to find you a temp.

Before marriage, a man declares that he would lay down his life to serve you; after marriage, he won't even lay down his newspaper to talk to you.

My girlfriend told me that she was seeing another man. I told her to rub her eyes.

Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.
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Old 08-02-2017, 08:34 PM   #1570
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Secrets to a long happy marriage

An old woman was sitting on the patio with her husband, and she says. "I love you so much, I don't know how I could ever live without you"... Her husband asks, "Is that you , or the wine talking?"... She replies, "It's me... talking to the wine."
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Tolerance will reach such a level that intelligent people will be banned from thinking so as not to offend the imbeciles. Fyodor Mikhailovich Dostoevsky, Russian Novelist
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Old 08-03-2017, 03:35 AM   #1571
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My wife stopped this girl in the street, showed her a photo and said, "Have you seen this man?"

She said, "No, who is he?"

My wife said, "He's my husband."

She said, "How long's he been missing?"

The wife replied, "He's not missing, I just want people to see what I have to live with."
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Old 08-03-2017, 02:54 PM   #1572
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Recommendations...
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I am starting to think, that I will never be old enough--------to know better.
Tolerance will reach such a level that intelligent people will be banned from thinking so as not to offend the imbeciles. Fyodor Mikhailovich Dostoevsky, Russian Novelist
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Old 08-04-2017, 02:15 PM   #1573
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My son had been doing bad in math class. I asked him how he did on his final and he said he had a 40-40 chance of passing.
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Old 08-04-2017, 07:22 PM   #1574
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When I left home, my mom said, "Don't forget to write."

Very unlikely... It's a basic skill.
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Old 08-04-2017, 07:27 PM   #1575
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I'm seriously bad at choosing women.

I've had 12 ex's call me up and every one of them had AIDS. Not only that, they all had anger issues.
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Old 08-04-2017, 07:28 PM   #1576
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Even though I've been married for ten years I still can't stop thinking about the one that got away.

My wife's ex, Dave. What a lucky guy.
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Old 08-05-2017, 07:34 AM   #1577
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I went to the hospital for a stress test.

They hooked me up to the machine and made me watch a video of my wife reverse park my car.
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Old 08-05-2017, 10:53 AM   #1578
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It was Saturday morning as Jake, an avid hunter, woke up ready to go bag the first deer of the season. He walks down to the kitchen to get a cup of coffee, and to his surprise he finds his wife, Alice, sitting there, fully dressed in camouflage.

Jake asks her: “What are you up to?”

Alice smiles: “I’m going hunting with you!”

Jake, though he had many reservations about this, reluctantly decides to take her along. Later they arrive at the hunting site. Jake sets his wife safely up in the tree stand and tells her: “If you see a deer, take careful aim on it and I’ll come running back as soon as I hear the shot”.

Jake walks away with a smile on his face knowing that Alice couldn’t bag an elephant–much less a deer. Not 10 minutes pass when he is startled as he hears an array of gunshots.

Quickly, Jake starts running back. As Jake gets closer to her stand, he hears Alice screaming: “Get away from my deer!” Confused, Jake races faster towards his screaming wife. And again he hears her yell: “Get away from my deer!” followed by another volley of gunfire. Now within sight of where he had left his wife, Jake is surprised to see a cowboy, with his hands high in the air.

The cowboy, obviously distraught, says: “Okay, lady, okay!!!! You can have your deer!!! Just let me get my saddle off it!”
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Old 08-05-2017, 10:55 AM   #1579
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The way kids see things

You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming. – Alan, age 10

No person really decides before they grow up who they’re going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you’re stuck with. – Kirsten, age 10

WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?

Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then. – Camille, age 10

No age is good to get married at. You got to be a fool to get married. – Freddie, age 6

HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?

You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids. – Derrick, age 8

WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?

Both don’t want any more kids. – Lori, age 8

WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?

Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough. – Lynnette, age 8

On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date. – Martin, age 10

WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING SOUR?

I’d run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns. – Craig, age 9

WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?

When they’re rich. – Pam, age 7

The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn’t want to mess with that. – Curt, age 7

The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It’s the right thing to do. – Howard, age 8

IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?

It’s better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them. – Anita, age 9

HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN’T GET MARRIED?

There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn’t there? – Kelvin, age 8

HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?

Tell your wife that she looks pretty even if she looks like a truck. – Ricky, age 10
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Old 08-05-2017, 10:58 AM   #1580
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Like I tell my wife, I never get lost.

I just like investigating alternative destinations....
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