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Old 12-02-2015, 05:42 PM   #781
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Everybody keeps telling me that I'm an alcoholic.

I don't drink because of boredom, I don't drink to hide a dark secret , I only drink because I like having an attractive wife .
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I just threw some salt over my shoulder for good luck. Ended up smashing a mirror with the salt shaker.
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Old 12-04-2015, 10:44 AM   #782
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There were 12 of us in our family and we were so poor we had to wear each others clothes.

I wouldn't mind, but I had 11 sisters.
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Old 12-04-2015, 10:46 AM   #783
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Growing up, our mom always gave us two choices at each meal.

Take it or leave it.
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Old 12-04-2015, 10:47 AM   #784
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My wife and I were having trouble getting our son to eat his greens.

"Why should I eat my vegetables?" he asked.

"Because if you don't," my wife replied, "you'll grow up to look like your father."

He has 'em breakfast, lunch and dinner now.
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Old 12-04-2015, 10:49 AM   #785
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My mom said, "You treat this place like a hotel!"

She will regret that when I give her a low score on TripAdvisor for 'rude staff'.
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Old 12-04-2015, 10:53 AM   #786
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I'm so jealous of my son.

He has the coolest dad ever.
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Old 12-04-2015, 11:02 AM   #787
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I'll never forget the exact moment I knew my now wife was the one for me.

The first time I went to her parents' mansion.
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Old 12-04-2015, 11:14 AM   #788
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My butler is such a jerk.

He keeps telling me to "move out" and to call him "Dad".
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I just threw some salt over my shoulder for good luck. Ended up smashing a mirror with the salt shaker.
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Old 12-04-2015, 11:20 AM   #789
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Because of the better side of my nature I just gave a homeless tramp a fiver to get a bite to eat,

And because the other side of my nature isn't so nice, I also gave her some divorce papers and her suitcase.
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Old 12-04-2015, 11:24 AM   #790
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Wife: "Hi, mom. Dave and I fought again. Can I come stay with you?"

Mother-in-law: "No, he must pay for his mistake. I'll come stay with you."
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