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08-05-2017, 11:01 AM
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#1581
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King of the Road
Join Date: Apr 2016
Posts: 556
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What women want in a man
What I Want In A Man, Original List … (at age 22)
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1. Handsome
2. Charming
3. Financially Successful
4. A Caring Listener
5. Witty
6. In Good Shape
7. Dresses with Style
8. Appreciates the Finer Things
9. Full of Thoughtful Surprises
10. An Imaginative, Romantic Lover
What I Want In A Man, Revised List … (at age 32)
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1. Nice Looking – preferably with hair on his head
2. Opens car doors, holds chairs
3. Has enough money for a nice dinner at restaurant
4. Listens more than he talks
5. Laughs at my jokes at appropriate times
6. Can carry in all the groceries with ease
7. Owns at least one tie
8. Appreciates a good home cooked meal
9. Remembers Birthdays and Anniversaries
10. Seeks romance at least once a week
What I Want In A Man, Revised List … (at age 42)
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1. Not too ugly – bald head OK
2. Doesn’t drive off until I’m in the car
3. Works steady – splurges on dinner at McDonalds on occasion
4. Nods head at appropriate times when I’m talking
5. Usually remembers the punchlines of jokes
6. Is in good enough shape to rearrange the furniture
7. Usually wears shirt that covers stomach
8. Knows not to buy champagne with screw-top lids
9. Remembers to put the toilet seat lid down
10. Shaves on most weekends
What I Want In A Man, Revised List … (at age 52)
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1. Keeps hair in nose and ears trimmed to appropriate length
2. Doesn’t belch or scratch in public
3. Doesn’t borrow money too often
4. Doesn’t nod off to sleep while I’m emoting
5. Doesn’t re-tell same joke too many times
6. Is in good enough shape to get off couch on Weekends
7. Usually wears matching socks and fresh underwear
8. Appreciates a good TV Dinner
9. Remembers your name on occasion
10. Shaves on some weekends
What I Want In A Man, Revised List … (at age 62)
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1. Doesn’t scare small children
2. Remembers where bathroom is
3. Doesn’t require much money for upkeep
4. Only snores lightly when awake (LOUDLY when asleep)
5. Doesn’t forgets why he’s laughing
6. Is in good enough shape to stand up by himself
7. Usually wears some clothes
8. Likes soft foods
9. Remembers where he left his teeth
10. Remembers when…
What I Want In A Man, Revised List … (at age 72)
———————————-
1. Breathing
__________________
2016 Crusader Lite
Single slide
2013 Ram 2500 Crew Cab Tow Vehicle
2016 days camped = 91, 2017 days camped = 109
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08-05-2017, 11:04 AM
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#1582
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King of the Road
Join Date: Apr 2016
Posts: 556
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Any fake phone number a girl gave you would automatically forward your call to her real number.
Nodding and looking at your watch would be deemed an acceptable response to “I love you.”
Hallmark would make “Sorry, what was your name again” cards.
When your girlfriend really needed to talk to you during the game, she’d appear in a little box in the corner of the screen during a time-out.
Breaking up would be a lot easier. A smack to the ass and a “Nice hustle, you’ll get ’em next time” would pretty much do it.
Birth control would come in ale or lager.
Each year, your raise would be pegged to the fortunes of the NFL team of your choice.
The funniest guy in the office would get to be CEO.
At the end of the workday, a whistle would blow and you’d jump out your window and slide down the tail of a brontosaurus and right into your car like Fred Flintstone.
Lifeguards could remove citizens from beaches for violating the “public ugliness” ordinance.
Tanks would be far easier to rent.
Garbage would take itself out.
Instead of beer belly, you’d get “beer biceps.”
Instead of an expensive engagement ring, you could present your wife- to-be with a giant foam hand that said, “You’re #1!”
Valentine’s Day would be moved to February 29th so it would only occur in leap years.
On Groundhog Day, if you saw your shadow, you’d get the day off to go drinking. Mother’s Day, too.
St. Patrick’s Day, however, would remain exactly the same. But it would be celebrated every month.
Cops would be broadcast live, and you could phone in advice to the pursuing cops. Or to the crooks.
The victors in any athletic competition would get to kill and eat the losers.
The only show opposite Monday Night Football would be Monday Night Football from a Different Camera Angle.
It would be perfectly legal to steal a sports car, as long as you returned it the following day with a full tank of gas.
Every man would get four real Get Out of Jail Free cards per year.
When a cop gave you a ticket, every smart-aleck answer you responded with would actually reduce your fine. As in: Cop: “You know how fast you were going” You: “All I know is, I was spilling my beer all over the place.” Cop: “Nice one. That’s $10 off.”
People would never talk about how fresh they felt.
Telephones would automatically cut off after 30 seconds of conversation.
__________________
2016 Crusader Lite
Single slide
2013 Ram 2500 Crew Cab Tow Vehicle
2016 days camped = 91, 2017 days camped = 109
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08-05-2017, 11:07 AM
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#1583
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King of the Road
Join Date: Apr 2016
Posts: 556
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A Woman’s Vocabulary, Keywords and Meanings (as taken from an interview with a woman)
FINE
This is the word we use at the end of any argument in which we feel we are right, but need to shut you up. NEVER use ‘Fine’ to describe how a woman looks. This will cause you to have one of those arguments.
FIVE MINUTES
This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your football game is going to last before you take out the trash, so I feel that it’s an even trade.
NOTHING
This means something and you should be on your toes. “Nothing” is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards. “Nothing” usually signifies an argument that will last “Five Minutes” and end with the word “Fine”.
GO AHEAD (with raised eyebrows)
This is a dare. One that will result in a woman getting upset over “Nothing” and will end with the word “Fine”.
GO AHEAD (normal eyebrows)
This means “I give up” or “do what you want because I don’t care”. You will get a raised eyebrow “Go Ahead” in just a few minutes, followed by “Nothing” and “Fine” and she will talk to you in about “Five Minutes” when she cools off.
LOUD SIGH
This is not actually a word, but is still often a verbal statement very misunderstood by men. A “Loud Sigh” means she thinks you are an idiot at that moment and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over “Nothing”.
SOFT SIGH
Again, not a word, but a verbal statement. “Soft Sighs” are one of the few things that some men actually understand. She is content. Your best bet is to not move or breathe and she will stay content.
OH
This word followed by any statement is trouble. Example; “Oh, let me get that”. Or, “Oh, I talked to him about what you were doing last night”. If she says “Oh” before a statement, run, do not walk, to the nearest exit. She will tell you that she is “Fine” when she is done tossing your clothes out the window, but do not expect her to talk to you for at least 2 days. “Oh” as the lead-in to a sentence usually signifies that you are caught in a lie. Do not try to lie more to get out of it, or you will get raised eyebrows and a “Go ahead,” followed by acts so unspeakable that I can’t bring myself to write about them.
THAT’S OKAY
This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can say to a man. “That’s Okay” means that she wants to think long and hard before visiting on you major retribution and tribulations for what ever it is that you have done. “That’s Okay” is often used with the word “Fine” and used in conjunction with a raised eyebrow “Go Ahead”. At some point in the near future when she has plotted and planned, you are going to be in some mighty big trouble.
PLEASE DO
This is not a statement, it is an offer. A woman is giving you the chance to come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for doing whatever it is that you have done. You have a fair chance to tell the truth, so be careful and you shouldn’t get a “That’s Okay”.
THANKS
A woman is thanking you. Do not faint, just say you’re welcome.
THANKS A LOT
This is much different than “Thanks”. A woman will say, “Thanks A Lot” when she is really ticked off at you. It signifies that you have hurt her in some callous way, and will be followed by the “Loud Sigh”. Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the “Loud Sigh”, as she will only tell you “Nothing”.
__________________
2016 Crusader Lite
Single slide
2013 Ram 2500 Crew Cab Tow Vehicle
2016 days camped = 91, 2017 days camped = 109
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08-05-2017, 11:09 AM
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#1584
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King of the Road
Join Date: Apr 2016
Posts: 556
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Mens vocabulary
“IT’S A GUY THING”
Translated: “There is no rational thought pattern
connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical.”
“CAN I HELP WITH DINNER?”
Translated: “Why isn’t it already on the table?”
“UH HUH,” “SURE, HONEY,” OR “YES, DEAR”
Translated: Absolutely nothing. It’s a conditioned
response.
“IT WOULD TAKE TOO LONG TO EXPLAIN”
Translated: “I have no idea how it works.”
“I WAS LISTENING TO YOU. IT’S JUST THAT I HAVE THINGS ON MY MIND.”
Translated: “That girl standing on the corner is a
real babe.”
“TAKE A BREAK HONEY, YOU’RE WORKING TOO HARD.”
Translated: “I can’t hear the game over the vacuum
cleaner.”
“THAT’S INTERESTING, DEAR.”
Translated: “Are you still talking?”
“YOU KNOW HOW BAD MY MEMORY IS.”
Translated: “I remember the theme song to ‘F Troop’, the address of the first girl I ever kissed, and the vehicle identification numbers of every car I’ve ever owned, but I forgot our anniversary.”
“I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT YOU, AND GOT YOU THESE ROSES.”
Translated: “The girl selling them on the corner
was a real babe.”
“OH, DON’T FUSS – I JUST CUT MYSELF, IT’S NO BIG DEAL.”
Translated: “I have actually severed a limb, but
will bleed to death before I admit that I’m hurt.”
“I CAN’T FIND IT.”
Translated: “It didn’t fall into my outstretched hands, so I’m completely clueless.”
“WHAT DID I DO THIS TIME?”
Translated: “What did you catch me at?”
“I HEARD YOU.”
Translated: “I haven’t the foggiest clue what you
just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don’t spend the next three days yelling at me.”
“YOU KNOW I COULD NEVER LOVE ANYONE ELSE.”
Translated: “I am used to the way you yell at me,
and realize it could be worse.”
“YOU LOOK TERRIFIC.”
Translated: “Oh, please don’t try on one more
outfit, I’m starving.”
“I’M NOT LOST. I KNOW EXACTLY WHERE WE ARE.”
Translated: “No one will ever see us alive again.”
__________________
2016 Crusader Lite
Single slide
2013 Ram 2500 Crew Cab Tow Vehicle
2016 days camped = 91, 2017 days camped = 109
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08-05-2017, 11:16 AM
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#1585
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King of the Road
Join Date: Apr 2016
Posts: 556
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Translating a Dating AD
DANDY LITTLE HOUSE KEEPER:
She has been married three times and kept all the houses
FINE CHARACTER
She’s an ex-hooker
KNOWS HOW TO HANDLE MONEY:
She’s a spend thrift and great at spending yours
STRONG FAMILY TIES:
She’s a Mafia Princess
LOVES CHILDREN:
She’s pregnant and needs a husband
WONDERFUL PERSONALITY:
She’s fat
GREAT SENSE OF HUMOR:
She’s fat and will laugh at anything you say
THE OUTDOOR TYPE:
She hunts, fishes, chews tobacco, just like the guys
READY TO SETTLE DOWN:
She’s thirty-five, in a state of panic, and dying to marry
LIKES TO HAVE A GOOD TIME:
She gets drunk every time she goes out
LOTS OF FUN AT PARTIES:
Often makes an ass of herself
MATURE WOMAN:
She’s at least thirty, but looks at least forty-five
HAS THE APPEARANCE OF A YOUNG SCHOOL GIRL:
She’s at least thirty-three, but dresses like a teenager
CASUAL:
She dresses like a slob
DECORATED HER OWN PLACE:
Her apartment resembles a pig sty
A GREAT DANCER:
She’s a Stripper
NOT OVERLY EMOTIONAL:
She only cries twenty-seven times a day
DOESN’T CHASE MEN:
She’s more of a mousetrap or a black widow spider type
SELDOM DATES:
She’s a lesbian who needs a male escort for something
UNDERSTANDS MEN:
She’s been married and divorced four times
A GOOD SPORT:
She knows two hundred jokes & can drink you under the table
LOOKS AND DRESSES LIKE A MODEL:
She’s five eleven and weighs seventy-three pounds
BEEN IN SHOW BUSINESS:
She’s a former porn movie star
KNOWS A LOT OF INTERESTING PEOPLE:
None of whom would marry her
__________________
2016 Crusader Lite
Single slide
2013 Ram 2500 Crew Cab Tow Vehicle
2016 days camped = 91, 2017 days camped = 109
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08-05-2017, 11:23 AM
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#1586
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Site Team
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: Northeast Louisiana
Posts: 33,695
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My wife kept dropping hints that she'd like a ring for our 20 year anniversary, so I surprised her with one last night.
Strange though, she just looks miserable and unhappy this morning as she's furiously scrubbing it off the bathtub.
__________________
2011 Flagstaff 831 RLBSS
A 72 hour hold in a psych unit is beginning to intrigue me as a potential vacation opportunity.
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08-05-2017, 11:39 AM
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#1587
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Site Team
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: Northeast Louisiana
Posts: 33,695
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I'm not saying my date from last night was wearing too much perfume.
But my canary was alive before she got there.
__________________
2011 Flagstaff 831 RLBSS
A 72 hour hold in a psych unit is beginning to intrigue me as a potential vacation opportunity.
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08-05-2017, 11:42 AM
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#1588
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Site Team
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: Northeast Louisiana
Posts: 33,695
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My wife says i never take any interest or pay any attention to her.
I asked her today if she was gaining weight, and she went nuts.
I can't win.
__________________
2011 Flagstaff 831 RLBSS
A 72 hour hold in a psych unit is beginning to intrigue me as a potential vacation opportunity.
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08-05-2017, 10:46 PM
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#1589
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Senior Member
Join Date: Apr 2014
Posts: 281
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Dano1955
Like I tell my wife, I never get lost.
I just like investigating alternative destinations....
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Ha ha funny. I haven't been lost in many years, I just do a lot of sight seeing.
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08-06-2017, 04:58 AM
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#1590
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Senior Member
Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 169
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The wife says that I never listened to her. I said no, I listen but you never stop talking so when I realize that your not talking to me, I tune you out so that I can have my own thoughts. This made her mad so now she won't talk unless it's something that she wants me to HEAR. She has said maybe 10 words in five days. I think I have won the argument but will not be able to claim victory.
The fact that she doesn't speak to me proves that she rarely says anything I need to remember anyway which means that I did nothing wrong.
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08-06-2017, 08:42 AM
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#1591
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Senior Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 10,907
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Quote:
Originally Posted by JCDMeyer
The wife says that I never listened to her. I said no, I listen but you never stop talking so when I realize that your not talking to me, I tune you out so that I can have my own thoughts. This made her mad so now she won't talk unless it's something that she wants me to HEAR. She has said maybe 10 words in five days. I think I have won the argument but will not be able to claim victory.
The fact that she doesn't speak to me proves that she rarely says anything I need to remember anyway which means that I did nothing wrong.
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That's what YOU think!
__________________
1988 Coleman Sequoia - popup (1987-2009) - outlasted 3 Dodge Grand Caravans!
2012 Roo19 - hybrid (2012-2015)
2016 Mini Lite 2503S - tt (2015 - ???)
2011 Traverse LT, 3.6L, FWD
2009 Silverado 1500 Ext Cab, 5.3L, 4x4, 3.73
2016 Silverado 2500HD Dbl Cab, 6.0L 4x4, 4.10
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08-06-2017, 12:27 PM
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#1592
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King of the Road
Join Date: Apr 2016
Posts: 556
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My wife doesn't care for fishing and doesn't much like boondocking. So when I go I always take my dog. She always asks "Why don't you leave the dog here?'
One day I questioned her about always asking that. Her reply, "Because then I'll be sure you'll be back".
__________________
2016 Crusader Lite
Single slide
2013 Ram 2500 Crew Cab Tow Vehicle
2016 days camped = 91, 2017 days camped = 109
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08-08-2017, 09:47 AM
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#1593
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Site Team
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: Northeast Louisiana
Posts: 33,695
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My girlfriend has just found out that I'm married.
"I can't believe this!" she screamed, "We've been together for five years and you didn't think to tell me?"
"I knew it would upset you," I replied, "So I just didn't say anything."
"How long have you been married for then?" she asked.
I said, "Just over six months."
__________________
2011 Flagstaff 831 RLBSS
A 72 hour hold in a psych unit is beginning to intrigue me as a potential vacation opportunity.
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08-08-2017, 09:57 AM
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#1594
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Site Team
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: Northeast Louisiana
Posts: 33,695
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I used to think I was descended from the Irish but thanks to Ancestry.com, it turns out I'm just a drunk.
__________________
2011 Flagstaff 831 RLBSS
A 72 hour hold in a psych unit is beginning to intrigue me as a potential vacation opportunity.
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08-09-2017, 09:33 AM
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#1595
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Site Team
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: Northeast Louisiana
Posts: 33,695
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The wife says that I never do anything around the house, so today I planted two acorns 14ft apart in the garden.
She asked what I was doing.
I replied, starting work on my new hammock.
__________________
2011 Flagstaff 831 RLBSS
A 72 hour hold in a psych unit is beginning to intrigue me as a potential vacation opportunity.
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08-11-2017, 06:45 AM
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#1596
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Site Team
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: Northeast Louisiana
Posts: 33,695
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How to make a woman mad in two simple steps:
1. take a picture of her
2. don't show her.
__________________
2011 Flagstaff 831 RLBSS
A 72 hour hold in a psych unit is beginning to intrigue me as a potential vacation opportunity.
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08-16-2017, 08:25 AM
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#1597
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Site Team
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: Northeast Louisiana
Posts: 33,695
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My grandad always said 'don't believe everything you hear'.
It was great advice.
Or was it?
__________________
2011 Flagstaff 831 RLBSS
A 72 hour hold in a psych unit is beginning to intrigue me as a potential vacation opportunity.
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08-16-2017, 08:26 AM
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#1598
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Site Team
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: Northeast Louisiana
Posts: 33,695
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My wife says she's fed up and is planning on leaving me this weekend.
Despite all my begging and pleading with her, she's adamant she won't move out before then.
__________________
2011 Flagstaff 831 RLBSS
A 72 hour hold in a psych unit is beginning to intrigue me as a potential vacation opportunity.
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08-16-2017, 01:48 PM
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#1599
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King of the Road
Join Date: Apr 2016
Posts: 556
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My mother had something kind of like ‘time out;'
It was called ‘knock out.'
__________________
2016 Crusader Lite
Single slide
2013 Ram 2500 Crew Cab Tow Vehicle
2016 days camped = 91, 2017 days camped = 109
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08-16-2017, 01:48 PM
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#1600
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King of the Road
Join Date: Apr 2016
Posts: 556
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Bachelor: A person who believes in life, liberty, and the happiness of pursuit.
__________________
2016 Crusader Lite
Single slide
2013 Ram 2500 Crew Cab Tow Vehicle
2016 days camped = 91, 2017 days camped = 109
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