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Old 12-04-2015, 11:34 AM   #791
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My Mom always refused to get a tumble dryer because it wasn't the same as drying outside.

She was right, my kids never get picked on for having bird crap on their clothes.
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I just threw some salt over my shoulder for good luck. Ended up smashing a mirror with the salt shaker.
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Old 12-04-2015, 11:37 AM   #792
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My mom had to play the part of both parents when me and my sister were growing up.

We knew it was her under the mustache and wig, but we never said anything.
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Old 12-04-2015, 11:38 AM   #793
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After a long, awkward silence, my mother-in-law said, "You really hate me, don't you?"

"Hate is a strong word," I replied.

"So you can tolerate me," she said with a smile.

"Oh no, I detest you," I said. "I was just complimenting you on your choice of word."
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Old 12-04-2015, 11:44 AM   #794
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It's incredible to think of one's ancestors living in trees, walking naked through the forest and starting fires by rubbing two sticks together.

But that stuff happens when my grandparents hit the gin.
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Old 12-04-2015, 11:45 AM   #795
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The wife thinks I'm lazy,

But my motto is ...if I don't do anything, I can't do anything wrong.
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Old 12-04-2015, 11:52 AM   #796
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I remember when we were little, there were 6 in our house and we were very poor.

On Christmas Day my dad would say " Who wants meat ? "

All four of us kids put up our skinny little arms as to say yes please father .
Then my dad would say " we don't have much meat this year I'm afraid .. You can have a very small amount , or you can have 25 cents each !

We all took the quarter and my mom and dad would eat the meat ..

Next my mom would bring in the Xmas pudding ..

" Who wants Xmas pudding ?" My dad asked ..

Once again all 4 of us put up our arms in a bid to get some pudding .

" 25 cents a portion , " my dad said !
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Old 12-04-2015, 12:45 PM   #797
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"You haven't listened to a word I've said, have you?"

Always seems like a strange way for my wife to start a conversation with me.
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Old 12-04-2015, 12:48 PM   #798
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When I was a lad I remember my old dad saying to me "what do you want out of life, son?"

"I dunno dad......get married....be happy...."

"which one?"
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Old 12-04-2015, 12:54 PM   #799
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I've just been told I have a face that only a mother could love.
Thanks for the support, Dad.
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Old 12-05-2015, 02:33 PM   #800
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Bob had forgotten both his wife's birthday AND their wedding anniversary. His wife was boiling like a pot. "Listen, Bob," she said, "tomorrow I want a present! I want it in the driveway! I better go from 0 to 200 in less than six seconds, DO YOU UNDERSTAND?"

The following morning there it was a gift, wrapped and on the driveway. His wife rushed out and unwrapped a new bathroom scale.

Bob has not been seen the last two and a half weeks.
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