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Old 12-05-2015, 02:44 PM   #801
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I was visiting my grand kids the other day and asked them if I could borrow the newspaper. They told me "this is the 21st century.......we don't waste money on newspapers anymore . Here......you can borrow my iPod.

That fly never knew what hit it !!!
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Old 12-05-2015, 02:46 PM   #802
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The barn at Larry and Susan's farm burned down, and Susan called the insurance company.

Susan: "We had that barn insured for fifty thousand and I want my money."

Agent: "Wait just a minute, Susan ... it doesn't work quite like that. We will determine the value of the old barn and provide you with a new one of comparable worth."

Susan, after a pause: "I'd like to cancel the policy on my husband."
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Old 12-05-2015, 03:00 PM   #803
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A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband standin' around with a fly swatter.
"What are you doin'?" she asked.
"I'm huntin' flies," he responded.
"Oh...Killin' any?" she asked.
"Yep, three males and two females," he replied.
Intrigued, she asked, "How can you tell them apart?"
He replied, "Three were on a beer can, and two were on the phone."
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Old 12-06-2015, 01:37 PM   #804
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I took my friend out to a club, as he hasn't dated since his divorce ten years ago.

In the club he said to me, "But I don't know how to talk to women!"

I replied, "You used to be married, dude! Just talk to them the way you used to talk to your wife."

Didn't end too well.
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Old 12-10-2015, 10:14 AM   #805
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I love it when pregnant women use the term "We're expecting." It makes it sound like there's more than one outcome. "Yeah, we're expecting a baby. But it could be a velociraptor."
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Old 12-10-2015, 10:19 AM   #806
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Since my wife got pregnant her emotions are all over the place.

"You haven't cleaned out the garage!", "Where's my dang hair dryer?", "Pick up the kids from school you moron!".

She never used to cry when I spoke to her like that before.
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Old 12-10-2015, 11:25 AM   #807
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It's funny how women are quick to reject a man that lives with his mom.

But has no problem asking her's to move in after she's got married.
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Old 12-10-2015, 11:26 AM   #808
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All my friends are jealous because they say I've always been lucky with women.

It's not my fault they were all stupid enough to get married.
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Old 12-10-2015, 11:28 AM   #809
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6 years ago I got married, and when I used to return home, my new dog welcomed me by barking and new wife by kissing...

now they have exchanged their roles...
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Old 12-10-2015, 11:28 AM   #810
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My mother once said to me, "If you keep talking and acting like that, no girl will ever want to marry you."

Unfortunately, a high-five wasn't the response she was expecting from me.
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