More relationship humor

[Dano1955]

I just broke up with my girl friend, I caught her lying… under another man.

[Dano1955]

The difference between being in a relationship and being in prison is that in prison they let you play softball on the weekends.

[Iwannacamp]

Originally Posted by wmtire

My wife says she's fed up and is planning on leaving me this weekend.

Despite all my begging and pleading with her, she's adamant she won't move out before then.

That is FUNNY!!

[wmtire]

A strange thing happened tonight.

There I was in the kitchen, de-greasing my motorbike parts in the sink when my wife came home, looked at me in a very weird way, then all of a sudden her mood ring just...exploded!

[wmtire]

I've just watched a very interesting documentary where Stephen Hawking says we've got about 700 years to find a new planet to live on.

I honestly don't think that's enough time for my wife to pack?

[wmtire]

As a parent, I'm beginning to think that college is the opposite of kidnapping.

They demand I pay them money or they'll send my son back.

[Platokidd]

My girlfriend is always stealing my t-shirts and sweaters... But if I take one of her dresses, suddenly "we need to talk".

[Platokidd]

My girlfriend told me she was leaving me because I keep pretending to be a Transformer. I said, "No, wait! I can change."

[wmtire]

My wife drove me to drink.

Pity she didn't drive me back too; I wouldn't have lost my license then.

[wmtire]

The 3 things I'm grateful for:

1. Family
2. Friends
3. Caller ID to avoid family and friends.

[wmtire]

We went to couples therapy and tried the "Trust Fall" exercise.

My wife went absolutely mental when I didn't catch her and she crashed to the floor.

"You were supposed to fall backwards, not forwards," I told her.

[wmtire]

I've just been doing one of those 'spot the difference' things with two pictures, but I could only find one.

I was smiling in the one before I was married.

[wmtire]

Son: Dad, what's an alcoholic?

Dad: Do you see those four trees? Well, an alcoholic would see eight.

Son: But dad, I only see two !!!

[Dano1955]

Really Tire Man?? 3:26 in the morning? What are you the on call admin/jokester or what?

[CAT-RN]

Originally Posted by Dano1955

Really Tire Man?? 3:26 in the morning? What are you the on call admin/jokester or what?

That early and he not even trashing his ex ??!!

Russell

[Herk7769]

Badda Bing ... Try the veal

[wmtire]

Originally Posted by CAT-RN

That early and he not even trashing his ex ??!!

Russell

Russell, I take that comment as a request. So here you go:
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Scientists have discovered the reason all arguments start.

It's because a woman wants an argument.

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The right woman will make you want to be a better man.

This way she ensures she has more to take during the divorce.

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Studies show women only make 85 cents for every buck a man makes, but court documents show women get 85 cents for every buck a man has.

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After my wife died of a heart attack I didn't want to settle down again straight away. I wanted to have some fun first. So I went online to find a younger woman with no commitments.

Needless to say, my in laws weren't impressed. They thought I should have called an ambulance first.

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"WOW, your ex-wife sure is nice", said no one ever

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The most expensive thing about divorce is paying child support so your ex-wife can pay her bar tab

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All I'm saying is I've never seen my ex and Satan in the same room at the same time

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and my favorite, which I've said before--- I call my ex wife Karma, because, well you know.

[CAT-RN]

I knew you would bless us with your affection!!

Russell

[rockfordroo]

Show me a man with a beautiful wife and I'll show you a man who's already tired of putting up with her $h!t.

[wmtire]

I always find it hard to remember names, and it's really embarrassing to have to ask people again, so I came up with an ingenious plan: ask them how they spell their name!

Now Fred thinks I'm an idiot.