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Old 12-10-2015, 11:29 AM   #811
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I promised them a Best Man's speech that they would never forget.

An annulment, three hospitalizations and twelve arrests tends to stick in the mind.
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I just threw some salt over my shoulder for good luck. Ended up smashing a mirror with the salt shaker.
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Old 12-10-2015, 11:36 AM   #812
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According to my doctor,the only reason I get angry with my wife is because I am slightly paranoid.

You wouldn't believe how often she takes advantage of my illness.
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Old 12-10-2015, 11:38 AM   #813
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Marriage is probably the most sincere way to tell somebody, "I want to smell every fart you make for the rest of your life."
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Old 12-10-2015, 11:43 AM   #814
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I received quite a few sympathy cards in the mail this morning.

It's my wedding anniversary today.
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Old 12-10-2015, 11:45 AM   #815
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In her youth my wife was a real looker. But why did it have to be me that she found?
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Old 12-10-2015, 11:49 AM   #816
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My college professor wife won a massive contract for giving lectures last week..

We got married.
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Old 12-10-2015, 11:52 AM   #817
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My wife describes our wedding as the happiest day of our lives.

I have to agree.

It's certainly when my life started going downhill.
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Old 12-10-2015, 11:58 AM   #818
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My wife came home with book titled 'How To Be A Better Husband'

I said, "Hmm, they spelled 'wife' wrong."
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Old 12-10-2015, 03:16 PM   #819
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I walked up to the bar and said, "Shot if whiskey please, Dave and get yourself one."

He said, "You're in a good mood, what's happened?"

I said, "My wife's finally left me."

He said, "So what are you going to do with yourself now that you're living the single life?"

I said, "I don't know... probably meet someone and get married."
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Old 12-10-2015, 03:23 PM   #820
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After months of arguing, my wife said, "Where did it all begin to go wrong?"

I replied, "Well, I've narrowed it down to when you said I do and so did I but didn't really mean it."
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