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Old 12-11-2015, 08:09 AM   #831
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I'm not saying my wife's ugly, but when she turned up for the Halloween party dressed as a zombie..

Everyone was saying how well she looked.
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I just threw some salt over my shoulder for good luck. Ended up smashing a mirror with the salt shaker.
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Old 12-11-2015, 09:08 AM   #832
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I said to my wife, "If I ask you what you want for Christmas, you'll just say 'nothing' won't you?"

"Yes," she replied.

"Fair enough," I answered, "you might as well have your Christmas present now then. "
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Old 12-11-2015, 09:20 AM   #833
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Only fourteen shopping days 'til Christmas!

Or if you're a guy - only thirteen and a half days 'til you start your Christmas shopping.
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Old 12-11-2015, 01:09 PM   #834
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When I got home from work the other day, my blonde wife was excited to tell me of her idea for a new invention....which was a pedal powered wheelchair.
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Old 12-12-2015, 04:53 AM   #835
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Whoever said, "Sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me," obviously hasn't called their spouse fat.
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Old 12-12-2015, 04:54 AM   #836
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A foolish man will tell a woman to shut up.

A wise man will tell a woman she is beautiful with her lips closed.
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Old 12-12-2015, 08:13 PM   #837
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My wife and I were talking about our relationship.

"I wish you were more of a lion," she said. "They are masculine and aggressive."

"I wish you were more of a mule," I replied.

"A mule...Why?" she paused.

I said, "They can't reproduce."
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Old 12-13-2015, 10:47 AM   #838
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If laughter is the best medicine,every hospital bed should have a picture of my wife on the end of it.
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Old 12-13-2015, 05:44 PM   #839
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My Grandad always said, "Don't watch your money; watch your health." So one day, while I was watching my health, someone stole my money.


It was my Grandad.
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Old 12-13-2015, 05:47 PM   #840
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Me and my wife just had a big fight 'cause she says I'm just a fat slob

I don't know what she's talking about, I do 100 sit-ups every morning, trying to get out of bed
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