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Old 12-17-2015, 01:35 PM   #851
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A wife lasts only for the length of the marriage, but an ex-wife is there for the rest of your life.
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Old 12-19-2015, 03:35 PM   #852
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"I bet you could wrap Christmas presents with your eyes closed by now," I said to my wife.

"I probably could," she laughed.

"Great, I'll just go and get yours," I said.
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I just threw some salt over my shoulder for good luck. Ended up smashing a mirror with the salt shaker.
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Old 12-19-2015, 03:36 PM   #853
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According to physicists, time stops at the event horizon of a black hole.

It also stops when you're with your wife at the shopping mall.
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Old 12-19-2015, 03:37 PM   #854
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For the record, giving someone the creeps for Christmas is technically not a gift.
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Old 12-19-2015, 03:43 PM   #855
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In ancient Rome, people gathered at the Colosseum and enjoyed watching a man's life getting destroyed.

That's the same with people attending weddings.
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Old 12-21-2015, 04:55 PM   #856
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I asked my wife how bad my breath is.

"You see that broccoli over there?" she pointed.

"Yes..." I replied.

"That was a cauliflower before you started talking."


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Old 12-25-2015, 03:46 AM   #857
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My wife hasn't been feeling very festive lately but I've gotten her a present that will help her to discover the true meaning of Christmas.

A dictionary.
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Old 12-25-2015, 03:51 AM   #858
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My wife prefers eating dinner early in the evening and I prefer it later at night, so we both had to compromise.

It's early in the evening or not at all, basically.
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Old 12-26-2015, 12:00 AM   #859
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My wife suggested we have pet names for one another as it's romantic. The only pet name I could think of was Fido but that somehow made me the bad guy!
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Old 12-26-2015, 03:21 AM   #860
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I have learned that if you upset your wife, she nags you, but if you upset her even more, you get the silent treatment.

Does anyone else think it's worth the extra effort?
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