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Old 12-29-2015, 12:25 AM   #871
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A man inserted an advertisement in the classifieds "Wife Wanted".

The next day, he received hundreds of replies, all reading the same thing: "You can have mine."
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Old 12-29-2015, 04:57 AM   #872
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My grandkids just called me old. So I put their candy on top of the refrigerator.

I may be old, but I'm tall. Brats.
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I just threw some salt over my shoulder for good luck. Ended up smashing a mirror with the salt shaker.
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Old 12-29-2015, 05:03 AM   #873
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My wife says she's leaving me because of my addiction to antidepressants.

Won't be needing them anymore now.
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I just threw some salt over my shoulder for good luck. Ended up smashing a mirror with the salt shaker.
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Old 12-29-2015, 05:06 AM   #874
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My girlfriend has left me a note:

"I'm leaving you because you're so stupid and bigoted."

Well I'm not stupid, I'm just dyslexic. And I can't help it if I have big toes.
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Old 12-29-2015, 05:10 AM   #875
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My dad got a selfie stick for his phone.

He can now hold it far enough away to read text messages.
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I just threw some salt over my shoulder for good luck. Ended up smashing a mirror with the salt shaker.
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Old 12-29-2015, 05:16 AM   #876
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Doctor: Listen, if you ever expect to cure your insomnia, you just have to stop taking your troubles to bed with you.

Patient: I know, but I can't... my wife refuses to sleep alone.
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Old 12-29-2015, 05:19 AM   #877
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Instead of John, I call my bathroom Jim, that way it sounds better when I say I went to the Jim first thing this morning.
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Old 12-31-2015, 01:16 AM   #878
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I called my wife from work and told her that I had put something on the radio for her birthday.

The silly girl had listened to the radio for 5 hours before seeing the birthday card lying on top of it !
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Old 12-31-2015, 01:17 AM   #879
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I got my wife a bag of compost for her 30th birthday and she threw it at me in a rage. Some women are never satisfied. You give them the earth and they throw it back in your face.
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Old 12-31-2015, 01:21 AM   #880
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It was my wife's birthday today and she asked me what I had got her.

"Take this blindfold," I told her.

"Oh, I like surprises," She said with a smile.

"Well, it wasn't intended to be a surprise, but I hope you like your new blindfold," I replied.
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