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08-21-2015, 12:44 PM
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#161
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Senior Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Keller, Texas
Posts: 6,090
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Quote:
Originally Posted by wmtire
After the leak of the hacked Ashley Madison adult dating website data I have discovered a long lost identical twin brother I didn't know I had. He even has the same name as me.
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Funny - that's happening to a lot of my married friends or so I'm told.
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08-21-2015, 12:46 PM
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#162
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Site Team
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: Northeast Louisiana
Posts: 33,739
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It's my wife's birthday today so I went out earlier in the week and deliberately got her a present that I knew she'd hate.
True to form she opened it, took one look and said, "What would I want with an xbox? I'm going to take this back to the store and ask for a refund."
I can't wait to see her little face when she gets arrested for shoplifting.
__________________
2011 Flagstaff 831 RLBSS
A 72 hour hold in a psych unit is beginning to intrigue me as a potential vacation opportunity.
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08-21-2015, 12:51 PM
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#163
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Site Team
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: Northeast Louisiana
Posts: 33,739
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On my first day in prison, my cellmate said to me, "If you ever come close to me, I'll skin you. When we're sleeping, you don't touch me. You hear me? Don't ever talk to me, either."
"GREAT!" I thought. "First day in here and I'm already married."
__________________
2011 Flagstaff 831 RLBSS
A 72 hour hold in a psych unit is beginning to intrigue me as a potential vacation opportunity.
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08-21-2015, 01:03 PM
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#164
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Site Team
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: Northeast Louisiana
Posts: 33,739
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Why do men twist their wedding rings?
They are trying to work out the combination.
__________________
2011 Flagstaff 831 RLBSS
A 72 hour hold in a psych unit is beginning to intrigue me as a potential vacation opportunity.
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08-21-2015, 01:05 PM
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#165
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Site Team
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: Northeast Louisiana
Posts: 33,739
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My gambling addiction cost me my marriage.
Or, as I like to think of it, won me a divorce.
__________________
2011 Flagstaff 831 RLBSS
A 72 hour hold in a psych unit is beginning to intrigue me as a potential vacation opportunity.
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08-21-2015, 01:05 PM
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#166
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Site Team
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: Northeast Louisiana
Posts: 33,739
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Tonight a friend asked if he could crash on my couch.
I had to explain to him I was married now and that's where I sleep.
__________________
2011 Flagstaff 831 RLBSS
A 72 hour hold in a psych unit is beginning to intrigue me as a potential vacation opportunity.
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08-21-2015, 01:22 PM
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#167
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Site Team
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: Northeast Louisiana
Posts: 33,739
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Marriage teaches you loyalty, self-restraint, obedience and control, and develops in you a sense of responsibility, fair play and so many other qualities you wouldn't need if you had just stayed single.
__________________
2011 Flagstaff 831 RLBSS
A 72 hour hold in a psych unit is beginning to intrigue me as a potential vacation opportunity.
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08-21-2015, 01:24 PM
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#168
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Site Team
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: Northeast Louisiana
Posts: 33,739
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Marriage is like the witness protection program: you get new clothes, you live in the suburbs and you're not allowed to see your friends anymore.
__________________
2011 Flagstaff 831 RLBSS
A 72 hour hold in a psych unit is beginning to intrigue me as a potential vacation opportunity.
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08-21-2015, 04:10 PM
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#169
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Site Team
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: Northeast Louisiana
Posts: 33,739
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My girlfriend asked, "Do you want to get married?"
I said, "Sure."
She said, "Great, when?"
I said, "Well, like every other guy: when I meet the right girl."
__________________
2011 Flagstaff 831 RLBSS
A 72 hour hold in a psych unit is beginning to intrigue me as a potential vacation opportunity.
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08-24-2015, 08:04 AM
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#170
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Site Team
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: Northeast Louisiana
Posts: 33,739
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As I walked down the aisle with my daughter a little tear came to my eye.
I wish it was my wife I was giving away.
__________________
2011 Flagstaff 831 RLBSS
A 72 hour hold in a psych unit is beginning to intrigue me as a potential vacation opportunity.
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08-24-2015, 08:04 AM
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#171
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Site Team
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: Northeast Louisiana
Posts: 33,739
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When he married his wife my brother told me it felt like he " was being hand-cuffed. "
Which is odd , cause when he attended her funeral he was handcuffed as well.
__________________
2011 Flagstaff 831 RLBSS
A 72 hour hold in a psych unit is beginning to intrigue me as a potential vacation opportunity.
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08-24-2015, 08:07 AM
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#172
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Site Team
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: Northeast Louisiana
Posts: 33,739
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I went to my ex-wife's wedding to show there were no hard feelings.
I probably shouldn't have drank beforehand, and made sure I was invited.
__________________
2011 Flagstaff 831 RLBSS
A 72 hour hold in a psych unit is beginning to intrigue me as a potential vacation opportunity.
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08-24-2015, 08:12 AM
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#173
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Site Team
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: Northeast Louisiana
Posts: 33,739
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A little boy was attending his first wedding.
After the service, his cousin asked him, "How many women can a man marry?"
"Sixteen," the boy responded.
His cousin was amazed that he had an answer so quickly.
"How do you know that?"
"Easy," the little boy said. "All you have to do is add it up, like the Bishop said: 4 better, 4 worse, 4 richer, 4 poorer"
__________________
2011 Flagstaff 831 RLBSS
A 72 hour hold in a psych unit is beginning to intrigue me as a potential vacation opportunity.
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08-24-2015, 08:17 AM
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#174
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Site Team
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: Northeast Louisiana
Posts: 33,739
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My wife says she's leaving me because I've spent so little money on our honeymoon.
I said, "zip the tent up quietly on your way out".
__________________
2011 Flagstaff 831 RLBSS
A 72 hour hold in a psych unit is beginning to intrigue me as a potential vacation opportunity.
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08-24-2015, 09:29 AM
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#175
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Senior Member
Join Date: Jun 2015
Posts: 213
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__________________
Certified JB Welder. Certified 3M Duct Tape installer.
Certified Farmer's Co-Op bailing wire expert. Graduate of the "Rock on the side of the Trail as a Hammer" school of motorcycle repair.
Getting old is just a matter of narrowly missing all the things that kill you.
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08-26-2015, 03:32 PM
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#176
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Site Team
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: Northeast Louisiana
Posts: 33,739
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After my wife died, I met a woman who made me really happy.
However, I could sense that nobody in the family liked her.
"Screw this," I said, "we're not staying at a funeral where we're not wanted."
__________________
2011 Flagstaff 831 RLBSS
A 72 hour hold in a psych unit is beginning to intrigue me as a potential vacation opportunity.
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08-27-2015, 01:31 PM
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#177
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Senior Member
Join Date: Jun 2014
Location: Tega Cay, SC
Posts: 534
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Sometimes I wake up grumpy. Sometimes I let her sleep.
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I live with fear every day, and sometimes she lets me go fishing.
Sent from my iPhone using Forest River Forums
__________________
I live with fear every day, and sometimes she lets me go fishing.
2019 Surveyor 251RKS
2008 Ford Expedition EL
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08-27-2015, 04:25 PM
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#178
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Site Team
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: Northeast Louisiana
Posts: 33,739
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Don't hope for someone to sweep you off your feet because sweeping is what people do to clean up a mess.
__________________
2011 Flagstaff 831 RLBSS
A 72 hour hold in a psych unit is beginning to intrigue me as a potential vacation opportunity.
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08-27-2015, 11:22 PM
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#179
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Senior Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 7,916
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Quote:
Originally Posted by wmtire
I can usually judge how attractive a woman is by how many times my wife calls her a skank.
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Funny and true
Sent from my iPhone using Forest River Forums
__________________
2017 Puma 297RLSS
2005 Ram 2500 4X4 diesel SMOKER!!
I love puns, irony and tasteless jokes...
born in Texas.... live in Arkansas
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08-27-2015, 11:36 PM
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#180
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Senior Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 7,916
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An old man and woman from Arkansas were traveling an Oklahoma highway and got pulled over. The old woman was hard of hearing.
The cop asked to see his license and registration....she said "what did he say?" He wants our license and registration.
The cop says.... I need your proof of insurance. She said "what did he say?" He wants our proof of insurance.
The cop said...I see here you are from Arkansas... She said what did he say? He says we are from Arkansas.
The cop said I used to date a girl from Arkansas and she was the nastiest girl I ever went out with. She said "what did he say?" He said "he thinks he knows you!"
It helps if you use the old person voices.
Sent from my iPhone using Forest River Forums
__________________
2017 Puma 297RLSS
2005 Ram 2500 4X4 diesel SMOKER!!
I love puns, irony and tasteless jokes...
born in Texas.... live in Arkansas
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