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Old 06-19-2015, 10:30 PM   #81
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All these women on the 48 dating sites I've joined, seem so sad and desperate.

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I was just viewing a woman's profile on a dating website:

Blonde 33 From New York Great Personality 5ft 3 Green Eyes.

Don't get me wrong, I like short girls, but 3 green eyes?
No wonder she can't find a guy.
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Women love a man brimming with confidence. Because, without that, what's to destroy?
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I've been chatting up this gorgeous blonde girl on the internet. She said she wanted to meet up with me and arranged to come to my house.
Anyway, when it came down to it she must've got cold feet. She texted me to meet her at a bar in town instead, but never showed. I sat there for hours waiting.

Then, to cap it all, when I got home, I'd been burgled.

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It's so hard to find the right person these days.

All I want is a woman who loves long walks on the beach.

It'll give her something to do while I watch football.

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I went on a blind date last night.

I told her that I don't believe women should be left to do the housework & cooking.

I said, "I think the roles should be reversed. Men should do all the things that women do and women should do all the things that men do."

She smiled and said, "I totally agree."

"Great" I replied, passing her the restaurant bill .

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I was trying to impress my date last night.

I said, "I'll have to take you for a ride in my Ferrari some day."

She smiled, "How about now?"

I said, "Sorry, it's in the shop."

She asked, "Oh, what's wrong with it?"

I replied, "Nothing, I just haven't bought it yet."

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I never seem to get past the first date with a girl.

I think I must be charging them too much for the ride home.

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A lot of people ask me what my technique is for getting women.

"Right Click > Save Image As"





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I just threw some salt over my shoulder for good luck. Ended up smashing a mirror with the salt shaker.
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Old 06-19-2015, 10:43 PM   #82
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Suggested to first wife that we should get an RV.
She said, "I will not cook when we go on vacation."
I said, "OK, then I will not drive."
And that is how the word "staycation" was coined.
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Old 06-20-2015, 11:13 AM   #83
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My wife tells her friends she has me trained because I help around the house I may be trained but I'm not house broken I'll pee in the corner when she's not looking
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Old 06-20-2015, 10:12 PM   #84
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So true
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Old 06-20-2015, 10:30 PM   #85
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Quote:
Originally Posted by dave961 View Post
So true
Oh, I so need to print this out and frame it.
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Old 06-21-2015, 01:57 PM   #86
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2 years ago to the day, I asked a most beautiful girl out on a date. Today at 3 PM, I asked that same girl to marry me. She said no both times.


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Old 06-21-2015, 02:00 PM   #87
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My wife obviously didn't mind me stopping off at the bar on our anniversary.

She knew I'd be hungry and left me two dinners out on the table.


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Old 06-23-2015, 04:28 PM   #88
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my wife asked me what I was getting her for her birthday present. I said why should I get you anything? you didn't use last years present !!!! (a grave plot)
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Old 06-25-2015, 07:06 AM   #89
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I'm not saying my wife is dumb or anything.

But she thought a jet ski was a Russian airplane.


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Old 06-25-2015, 09:47 AM   #90
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Life was so simple before I got married.

I had absolutely no idea there was a wrong way to put the milk back in the fridge.
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