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Old 12-31-2015, 11:15 AM   #891
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Old 12-31-2015, 11:17 AM   #892
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Me and my wife we're at a liquor store the other week. I walked up to the store clerk and inquired about the liquors behind the counter.

I said "How much is that green bottle up on top?"

He replied hesitantly "that one is worth $100".

Suddenly my wife comes up to me and says "If you spend that much on a bottle I won't talk to you for a whole week!"

After a quick minute of thought I said to the store clerk,

"Can I get 52 bottles of that one, please?"
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I just threw some salt over my shoulder for good luck. Ended up smashing a mirror with the salt shaker.
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Old 12-31-2015, 11:21 AM   #893
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My wife turns to me earlier and asks 'so whats your new years resolution? What would you most like to change about yourself'

I can see the divorce lawyer still has not got in touch yet...........
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Old 12-31-2015, 11:23 AM   #894
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This New Year's going to involve me making lots of drastic changes to my lifestyle... stop smoking, no more drinking with my friends, and begin a life of celibacy.


They're not New Years Resolutions,
I'm getting married on January 1st.
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Old 12-31-2015, 11:26 AM   #895
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If I can avoid being violently ripped apart by giant eagles for twelve more hours, I will have kept all of my 2015 resolutions
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Old 12-31-2015, 11:36 AM   #896
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It’s no coincidence that man’s best friend cannot talk.
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Old 12-31-2015, 11:44 AM   #897
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My old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, “You’re next!” After a while, I figured out how to stop them. I started doing the same thing to them at funerals!
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Old 12-31-2015, 06:15 PM   #898
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The wife has been missing for a week now. The police said to prepare for the worst. So I've been to the thrift shop three times to try to get all her clothes back.
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Old 12-31-2015, 06:51 PM   #899
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Two old geezers, Bill and Bob were shooting the breeze. Bill sez, "You ever made a Freudian slip?" Bob sez, "What's that?" Bill: "Well, I'll give you an example. The other day I was at the airport, and the woman at the airline counter was quite well endowed. I meant to say, 'I'd like two tickets for Pittsburgh. But it came out, 'I'd like two pickets for Tittsburgh.'" Bob: "Ahh, gotcha Bill. That happened to me this morning. My wife and I were having breakfast, and I meant to say, 'Dear, could you please pass the marmalade.' But it came out, 'You old hag, you're ruining my life.'"
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Old 01-02-2016, 07:19 PM   #900
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My girlfriend kept hinting she wanted to walk down the aisle...

.... so I sent her grocery shopping.
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