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Old 01-06-2016, 09:17 AM   #911
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I was scanning my items on the self checkout in Wal-Mart, when something unexpected appeared in the bagging area...

That's the last time I tell my wife to back the car up so we can load the shopping into the trunk.
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I just threw some salt over my shoulder for good luck. Ended up smashing a mirror with the salt shaker.
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Old 01-07-2016, 02:22 AM   #912
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I'm not saying my wife's driving is bad...



But to cash in on it, I've opened up a florist.
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I just threw some salt over my shoulder for good luck. Ended up smashing a mirror with the salt shaker.
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Old 01-07-2016, 02:40 AM   #913
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After graduating from college, me & my girlfriend went on our first archaeological dig together.

I found a gold coin with Caesars image on it & excitedly went up to the project leader.

"I think it's probably 12th century" I blustered breathlessly.

"Oh, definitely 12th century" my girlfriend said, nodding eagerly.

The project leader took the coin, examined it, then turned to us & said sternly "Its clear you 2 haven't been dating too long"

"Why? Isn't it 12th century?" I asked, deflated.

"Who knows." He said, "Its just the fact that she's still agreeing with you"
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I just threw some salt over my shoulder for good luck. Ended up smashing a mirror with the salt shaker.
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Old 01-07-2016, 02:59 AM   #914
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I phoned my wife today and said, "I've invited my boss home tonight. Do you think you could do something nice for dinner?"

"Of course, just tell me what you'd like me to do?" she asked.

I replied, "Don't cook."
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Old 01-07-2016, 05:51 PM   #915
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I said to my girlfriend the other day "You know I love golf, so I am going to start calling you birdie."

She said "Awww that's so sweet, why's that?"

I said "Because you're below par compared to my ex."
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Old 01-07-2016, 05:56 PM   #916
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My New Year's resolution for 2015 was to join a gym.

My New Year's resolution for 2016 is to go to that gym.
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I just threw some salt over my shoulder for good luck. Ended up smashing a mirror with the salt shaker.
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Old 01-07-2016, 06:09 PM   #917
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I was eating my coffee this morning when I suddenly thought to myself, "This milk must be seriously out of date."
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Old 01-07-2016, 09:37 PM   #918
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I've got a bit of ADD and my wife has a bit OCD, which as you can imagine doesn't go well.

One time I put Rice Krispies in her shoes and she went mental...

...But not before she counted them all.
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Old 01-08-2016, 10:21 AM   #919
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My wife said, "It's my parents Golden Wedding Anniversary next week, what do you think we should buy them?"

I said, "Get your mother a card, and give your dad a medal."
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Old 01-08-2016, 10:31 AM   #920
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the wife said do I look fat I said do I look stupid
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It's a nice night for an evening
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