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Old 01-11-2016, 02:31 AM   #931
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I hired a maid because my wife is lazy. Now when the maid arrives the housework is already done...

My wife doesn't want to appear lazy!
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I just threw some salt over my shoulder for good luck. Ended up smashing a mirror with the salt shaker.
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Old 01-11-2016, 03:44 PM   #932
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A good signal of my wife's driving ability..


is probably the broken one on the passenger side.
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Old 01-12-2016, 07:11 PM   #933
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I hate having Tourette's. It makes you shout out things you don't want to shout out.

For example, yesterday I was walking along the road when I spotted my ex walking on the other side of the road and I shouted out, "Good morning, dear. I hope you are well."
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Old 01-14-2016, 07:43 AM   #934
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Whenever I get a 'yes' from a woman, it's usually followed by a 'that's him officer'
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Old 01-14-2016, 11:20 AM   #935
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I recently decided to introduce my mother to the magic of the Internet. Our first move was to access the popular "Ask Jeeves" site, and I told her it could answer any question she had.

My mother was very skeptical until I said, "It's true, Mom. Think of something to ask it."

As I sat with fingers poised over the keyboard, my mother thought a minute, then responded with what I can only describe as a perfect example of a pensioner moment...

"How is Aunt Helen feeling?"
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Old 01-14-2016, 11:36 AM   #936
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A man and a woman were having a quiet, romantic dinner in a fine restaurant.

They were gazing lovingly at each other and holding hands.

The waitress, taking another order at a table a few steps away, suddenly noticed the woman slowly sliding down her chair, under the table and under the table cloth, while the man stared straight ahead.

The waitress watched as the woman slid all the way down her chair and totally out of sight under the table.

The waitress, thinking this behavior a bit risque, and worried that it might offend the other diners, went over to the table and tactfully began by saying to the man,"Pardon me sir, but I think your wife just slid under the table."

The man calmly looked up at her and said: "No, she didn't... she just walked in."
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Old 01-14-2016, 07:43 PM   #937
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"Apparently, in England, they have left-hand driving." my wife explained.

"That's correct." I responded.

"That's absurd," she remarked, "Surely it's safer to use both hands."
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Old 01-14-2016, 07:51 PM   #938
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An 18th-century vagabond in England, exhausted and famished, came to a roadside Inn with a sign reading: "George and the Dragon." He knocked on the door.

The Innkeeper's wife stuck her head out a window. "Could ye spare some food?" he asked.

The woman glanced at his shabby, dirty clothes. "No!" she shouted.

"Could I have a pint of ale?"

"No!" she shouted.

"Could I at least sleep in your stable?"

"No!" she shouted again.

The vagabond said, "might I please...?"

"What now?" the woman screeched, not allowing him to finish.

"De'ye suppose," he asked, "that I might have a word with George?"
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Old 01-18-2016, 09:40 AM   #939
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"I just lost my wife," I told a woman at the bar.

She cuddled my hand in hers and whispered, "It'll be alright."

"No, it won't." I replied, "She'll find me soon."
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Old 01-18-2016, 01:11 PM   #940
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My wife's cooking is incredible.

With a silent 'cr'.
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