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Old 01-27-2016, 07:25 PM   #961
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Originally Posted by wmtire View Post
I never forget valentines day.

It's always a week after she asks what am I planning for next week.
Valentine's Day - One more opportunity to prove YOU JUST DON'T MEASURE UP!
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Old 01-27-2016, 07:45 PM   #962
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When I proposed to my then girlfriend, and she said "yes", it led to the happiest day of my life.

The day I got divorced
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I just threw some salt over my shoulder for good luck. Ended up smashing a mirror with the salt shaker.
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Old 01-28-2016, 11:38 PM   #963
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My young grandson just came up to me and told me my beard's getting nice and bushy.

Little brat, you would think that at ten years old, he would know that's no way to speak to his grandmother.
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Old 01-28-2016, 11:38 PM   #964
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My wife left me because she says she's never seen me sober.

When the heck did I get married?
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Old 01-31-2016, 03:58 PM   #965
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Remind me, if I'm ever in hospital, make sure I'm never surrounded by my friends and family.

It usually doesn't end well.
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Old 02-02-2016, 07:29 AM   #966
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I asked a girl out on a second date, her response was, "No, why would I want to go on another date with such an immature baby, you spent the whole time crying and having a tantrum."

Women! Never say what they mean, it was her idea to go whining and dining.
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Old 02-02-2016, 10:14 AM   #967
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I think my tendency to over think things stems from my lack of confidence as a child, which emerged from the fact that my parents split up when I was very young, which I think was due to the fact that my dad used to also overthink things. Or it could just be that I'm from a long line of over thinkers.
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Old 02-02-2016, 10:35 AM   #968
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My wife left me because of my views on the environment.

I was just saving water by showering with the lady who lives next door.
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Old 02-02-2016, 10:52 AM   #969
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I can't believe how strong the winds were last night.

I zipped out to get my wife some milk and got blown into the bar across town.
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Old 02-02-2016, 11:02 AM   #970
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The wife said to me, "Take your umbrella, it looks like rain."

I said, "No it doesn't. It looks like a stick with spokes attached, which is covered in fabric."

The woman's delusional.
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