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Old 02-02-2016, 11:05 AM   #971
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This morning, I spent an hour digging out the car because of the snow. I then spent a further hour digging the driveway clear to get my car out to the street. On getting onto the street, my car broke down, so I abandoned it and walked the seven miles to work.

At one point I had to take shelter in a bus stop as the blizzards were that bad they were forcing me back, but I still pushed on. Finally, two hours late I arrived for work, to be greeted by my boss.

"Gee Dave, I'm surprised you're here. I wouldn't have minded if you didn't come in with all this snow" he said.

"Well" I said, "My wife made me come in."

"Really?" he asked. "What did she say?"

"Don't bother going to work, we can spend all day in bed."
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I just threw some salt over my shoulder for good luck. Ended up smashing a mirror with the salt shaker.
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Old 02-02-2016, 12:02 PM   #972
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Husband's Manual: Excerpt

If you just had a huge argument, on the way to the dog house, stop in the kitchen.
Tighten all the lids.
That way she will HAVE to talk to you.
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Old 02-02-2016, 12:13 PM   #973
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Quote:
Originally Posted by hankpac View Post
If you just had a huge argument, on the way to the dog house, stop in the kitchen.
Tighten all the lids.
That way she will HAVE to talk to you.
Love it.
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I just threw some salt over my shoulder for good luck. Ended up smashing a mirror with the salt shaker.
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Old 02-02-2016, 02:01 PM   #974
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Valentine's Day

The only day of the year when you can buy a woman flowers and not be accused of cheating for doing so.

------------------------------------------

I'm trying to write a Valentines poem for my wife.
Can anyone think of something that rhymes with 'leaving you'?

------------------------------------------

The day before valentines day I was looking for the perfect card for my wife when I saw something quite strange.
On the front of one of the cards it said on it, "I love you and only you."

I know this doesn't sound strange but it was a pack of 20 cards

------------------------------------------

For 364 days of the year I don't mind that I'm single.

But when Valentines Day comes around...

... I love it.
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I just threw some salt over my shoulder for good luck. Ended up smashing a mirror with the salt shaker.
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Old 02-02-2016, 06:37 PM   #975
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This one made me think of Hankpac's a few posts up.


I spend most of my time down at the bar getting drunk, so my wife has to use her powerful shoulders, huge forearms and massive hands to open any jars or bottles.


Coincidentally, the very reason I spend most of my time in the bar.
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Old 02-02-2016, 06:58 PM   #976
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I heard Ray Ramano on the Sirius comedy channel the other day.

He was talking about being married for 35 years. He said when you, first, get married you can do nothing wrong.

But after 35 years, you can do no right. He said his wife was watching a movie in the living room with some friends and he was going in the kitchen and asked, "Do you want me to make popcorn?" And she answered, "Only if you make enough!!!!"

You can do no right! (So true!)
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Old 02-02-2016, 10:30 PM   #977
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ColoradoRick View Post
I heard Ray Ramano on the Sirius comedy channel the other day.

He was talking about being married for 35 years. He said when you, first, get married you can do nothing wrong.

But after 35 years, you can do no right. He said his wife was watching a movie in the living room with some friends and he was going in the kitchen and asked, "Do you want me to make popcorn?" And she answered, "Only if you make enough!!!!"

You can do no right! (So true!)
He is still a newly wed ~~ wait until he is at 47 years..... then he will really have something to say,,,,, if he can get a word in. Don't ask how I know ~~
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Old 02-03-2016, 01:31 PM   #978
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My friend is a telemarketer.

Sometimes, when he's relaxing, I'll call him out of the blue and hack him off.
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I just threw some salt over my shoulder for good luck. Ended up smashing a mirror with the salt shaker.
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Old 02-03-2016, 07:02 PM   #979
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Judging from the covers of countless women's magazines, the two topics most popular to women are:

1) Why all men are disgusting pigs
&
2) How to attract men
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I just threw some salt over my shoulder for good luck. Ended up smashing a mirror with the salt shaker.
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Old 02-03-2016, 09:09 PM   #980
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Even if women came with directions, we still wouldn't read them.
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