More relationship humor

[wmtire]

My wife and I have decided we don’t want children. If anybody does please send me your address and we can drop them off tomorrow.

[wmtire]

I’m not saying my wife’s cooking is bad…..


But several weapons manufacturers have been trying to buy her recipes.

[wmtire]

"IF MEN WERE IN CHARGE OF WEDDINGS"

There would be a "Rehearsal Kegger" rather than a "Rehearsal Dinner".

Bridesmaids would wear matching blue jean cut-offs and halter tops.

Tuxes would have team logos on the back and the Nike shoes would have matching team colors.

June weddings would be scheduled around basketball play-offs.

Vows would mention cooking specifically, but omit that "forsaking all others" part.

The couple would leave the ceremony in a souped up '73 Charger or some other Mopar with racing tires and flame designs on the side of the car. Better yet, a Harley!

Idiots who tried to dance with the bride (unless they were really old) would get punched in the head.

Big, slobbery dogs would be eligible for the role of "Best Man".

There would be "Tailgate Receptions".

Outdoor weddings would be held during sporting events at half-time or between innings.

Ceremonies would be short and honeymoons would be long.

Ceremonies and honeymoons would be inexpensive compared to the cost of the bachelor party.

Men wouldn't ask, "Well, what do you think, dear? The burgundy or the wine colored napkins?" They'd just grab extras from their local bar or tavern.

Favors would be matchbooks and cigars. Better yet, free drink passes at the local lounge.

Instead of a sit-down dinner or a buffet, there would be a hog roast or buckets of chicken, pizza and plenty of bar-b-que.

The bridal bouquet would be recycled from a previous funeral or something.

[wmtire]

I LOVE HER, BUT..... (a collection of men's thoughts on their women)


... she has an uncanny way of standing between me and the television screen. Bases loaded, two strikes, three balls. The crowd goes wild, the pitch flies, and all I can see is her butt. --Howard, Dodge City, Kan.


... she was furious when I got up early once and made her breakfast. Called me controlling. How dare I decide that she would eat breakfast, let alone what she'd have? --Ted, Wexford, Pa.


... what's mine is hers. I buy her negligees; she sleeps in my T-shirts. When she's cold she wears my wool socks to bed, never her own. She steals my half-used razors; new ones are too sharp. She even wears my boxers. I'm tempted to switch to briefs just to see what she'd do. --Dave, Martha's Vineyard, Mass.


... she makes lists. Things to buy. Things to do. People to call. If it's not on the list, it doesn't get done. --Nick, Wheeling, W.Va.


... when she gets an idea in her head, there's no stopping her. And no rest for anyone until it's done. It's not so bad when the idea is to bake cookies, or even to go on vacation. But when it's to build a new house, or to get pregnant, things get pretty intense. --Jim, Minneapolis


... you can hear her eat soup from the next room. --Bruce, Bridgewater, N.J.


... my wife thinks everyone should be a vegetarian. During meals, she asks people how they can eat dead cows, or if they know that their pork chops used to be smarter than their dogs. --Miles, Shreveport, La.


... every so often boom she's a brunette. Or I come home to a redhead. Actually, I have no idea what her natural color is. --Cary, Seattle


... she'll brush her teeth but she won't go to the dentist. She says she's not afraid of the pain, she just doesn't want to put herself in the hands of any fellow who'd choose to be a dentist. --Terence, Gary, Ind.


... she's stopped shaving her legs. She says that now people will know she's a natural blonde. --Ned, Tucson, Ariz.


... she takes her half of the bed out of the middle. -Robin, Gladwyne, Pa.


... have you ever seen a woman with green crust and slime smeared over her face, dark holes for her nostrils? Do you think you'd be able to sleep at night, knowing that creature is next to you? --Arthur, Cedar City, Utah


... my wife's allergic to everything. Her nose is chronically stuffed. If I kissed her on the mouth, she'd suffocate. --Bryan, Toledo, Ohio


... she wears these false eyelashes. She left 'em lying around and I slammed 'em with my newspaper, tried to kill the damn things. Scared me half to death. --Gordon, Oklahoma City, Okla.



... she takes those soaps too seriously. I'll come home and find her in tears because some character died. Or upset that some nonexistent guy's having a fictional affair. --Archie, St. Louis


... she will not shop at discount stores or sales. She thinks they're crowded and plebian. She doesn't even look at the reduced rack, other than, perhaps, for gifts for my mother. --Conrad, Wilmington, Del.


... it annoys her that our children look like me. --James, New Orleans


... counting my wife and our teenage girls, that's four women. Somebody's always got PMS. --Everett, Little Rock, Ark.

[wmtire]

Honey Do's
This week I am at home & playing house husband. My wife left a list of things I need to do. This is soooooo easy I thought I would share it with you.

1). Make the beds-- What a waste of effort, we're only going to sleep in them again tonight. Forget that - Scratch one.

2). Pick up dog poop in yard-- It snowed last night, I don't see any dog poop, kids do you see any dog poop ? - Scratch two.

3). Drop your shirts off at the cleaners-- Duhh I'm on vacation I don't need them. Scratch three.

This is easy, what's the fuss. Think I'll go on Web surfing for awhile.

4). Clean out Tupperware cabinet-- Uhhhh that's a hard one. GOT IT, velcro on the door will keep them closed. - Scratch four.

5). Mop kitchen floor-- The dog licked up that sugar spill from breakfast, floor looks clean to me - Scratch five.

Good doggie go play in the yard. She just loves rolling in the snow.

6). Find something fun for the kids to do-- That tinfoil in the microwave thing was kinda fun - Scratch six.

This is way too easy I'll have lots of time for Web surfing.

7). Vacuum the carpets-- That's a hard one-- "Hey kids, wanna have some more FUN?" - Scratch seven.

8). Feed kids lunch-- Hey kids, don't you have a friend's house to go too ? YESSSS - Scratch eight !!!!!!

9). Clean out hallway closet-- Hmmmm another hard one. That's it, take enough out of the closet to close the door. Outta sight outta mind. Hmmmm this other stuff can go under a bed - Scratch nine.

Boy O Boy am I good! Lunch time. Pour some chili into the cracker bag & eat. Taaa daaa - no lunch dishes !!!

10). Do laundry-- no problem I can do that while I'm on the Web - Scratch ten.

11). Fold laundry-- (dang, can't do that while I'm on the computer) Ya know I never noticed how many pink things this family actually wears. Gonna have to ask da little lady why she buys me pale pink underwear?? Check this out a cashmere Barbie sweater, cool. - Scratch eleven.

12) Put the laundry away-- Baskets in bedrooms work for me - Scratch twelve.

This is way too easy. Wonder why women always complain about house work???

13). Water the Christmas tree-- Ooops! good thing the carpet is absorbent - Scratch thirteen.

14). Grocery shopping, Buy toilet paper-- These old newspapers will do, besides, that's recycling & that's good for the earth-- Scratch fourteen.

15). Pick up the kids -- Yeah right; we're talking about my kids here. Parents will normally pay to drop them back off. They'll be back - Scratch fifteen.

Wonder who's in the Chat Room. Awww, I have plenty of time.

16). Make dinner-- Easy, "Hello. Do you deliver ? uhhh double that, Ya know we will need more dinner tomorrow" - Scratch sixteen.

17). Clean out the dog house-- duhh the dog sleeps in our bed, Like that needs to be done - Scratch seventeen.

WOW all done. Still time for some Web surfing & a nap-- Man this is sooooo easy. Women must complain about house work just to make us guys think they're working. Wish I was a chick !

[wmtire]

Bachelor: A guy who believes in life, liberty, and the happiness of pursuit.

[wmtire]

Marriage is the only sport in which the trapped animal has to buy the license.


Marriage is when a man and woman become as one; the trouble starts when they try to decide which one.


Marriage means commitment. Of course, so does insanity.

[wmtire]

WOMEN SPEAK IN ESTROGEN AND MEN LISTEN IN TESTOSTERONE by Matt Groening (producer and creator of "The Simpsons")

RELATIONSHIPS: First of all, a man does not call it a relationship -- he refers to it as "that time when me and Suzie were dating on a semi-regular basis." When a relationship ends, a woman will cry and pour her heart out to her girlfriends, and she will write a poem titled "All Men Are Idiots." Then she will get on with her life. A man has a little more trouble letting go. Six months after the break-up, at 3:00 a.m. on a Saturday night, he will call and say, "I just wanted to let you know you ruined my life, and I'll never forgive you, and I hate you, and you're a total floozy. But I want you to know that there's always a chance for us."

This is known as the "I Hate You / I Love You" drunken phone call, and 99% of all men have made it at least once. There are community colleges that offer courses to help men get over this need; alas, these classes rarely prove effective.

MATURITY: Women mature much faster than men. Most 17-year old females can function as adults. Most 17-year old males are still trading baseball cards and giving each other wedgies after gym class. This is why high school romances rarely work out.

HANDWRITING: To their credit, men do not decorate their penmanship. They just chicken-scratch. Women use scented, colored stationery and they dot their "i's" with circles and hearts. Women use ridiculously large loops in their "p's" and "g's". It is a royal pain to read a note from a woman. Even when she's dumping you, she'll put a smiley face at the end of the note.

COMEDY: Let's say a small group of men and women are in a room, watching television, and an episode of the Three Stooges comes on. Immediately, the men will get very excited; they will laugh uproariously, and even try to imitate the actions of Curly, man's favorite Stooge. The women will roll their eyes and groan and wait it out.

BATHROOMS: A man has six items in his bathroom -- a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, a bar of Dial soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn. The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 437. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.

GROCERIES: A woman makes a list of things she needs and then goes out to the store and buys these things. A man waits till the only items left in his fridge are half a lime and a beer. Then he goes grocery shopping. He buys everything that looks good. By the time a man reaches the checkout counter, his cart is packed tighter than the Clampett's car on Beverly Hillbillies. Of course, this will not stop him from going to the 10-items-or-less lane.

SHOES: When preparing for work, a woman will put on a Mondi wool suit, then slip on Reebok sneakers. She will carry her dress shoes in a plastic bag from Saks. When a woman gets to work, she will put on her dress shoes. Five minutes later, she will kick them off because her feet are under the desk. A man will wear the same pair of shoes all day.

GOING OUT: When a man says he is ready to go out, it means he is ready to go out. When a woman says she is ready to go out, it means she WILL be ready to go out, as soon as she finds her earrings, finishes putting on her makeup...

CATS: Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.

OFFSPRING: Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and soccer games and romances and best friends and favorite foods and secret fears and hopes and dreams. A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

LOW BLOWS: Let's say a man and a woman are watching a boxing match on TV. One of the boxers is felled by a low blow. The woman says, "Oh, gee. That must have hurt." The man groans and doubles over, and actually FEELS the pain.

DRESSING UP: A woman will dress up to: go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, get the mail. A man will dress up for: weddings, funerals.

LAUNDRY: Women do laundry every couple of days. A man will wear every article of clothing he owns, including his surgical pants that were hip about eight years ago, before he will do his laundry. When he is finally out of clothes, he will wear a dirty sweatshirt inside out, rent a U-Haul and take his mountain of clothes to the laundromat. Men always expect to meet beautiful women at the laundromat. This is a myth perpetuated by re-runs of old episodes of "Love, American Style."

WEDDINGS: When reminiscing about weddings, women talk about "the ceremony." Men talk about "the bachelor party."

SOCKS: Men wear sensible socks. They wear standard white sweat socks. Women wear strange socks. Socks that are cut way below the ankles, that have pictures of clouds, that have a big fuzzy ball on the back.

NICKNAMES: If Gloria, Suzanne, Deborah and Michelle go out for lunch, they will call each other Gloria, Suzanne, Deborah and Michelle. But if Mike, Dave, Rob and Jack go out for a brewsky, they will affectionately refer to each other as Bullet-Head, Godzilla, Peanut-Head and Useless.

MIRRORS: Men are vain; they will check themselves out in a mirror. Women are ridiculous; they will check out their reflections in any shiny surface: mirrors, spoons, store windows, Joe Garagiola's head.

MENOPAUSE: When a woman reaches menopause, she goes through a variety of complicated emotional, psychological, and biological changes. The nature and degree of these changes varies with the individual. Menopause in a man provokes a uniform reaction -- he buys aviator glasses, a snazzy French cap and leather driving gloves, and goes shopping for a Porsche.

THE TELEPHONE: Men see the telephone as a communication tool. They use the telephone to send short messages to other people. A woman can visit her girlfriend for two weeks, and upon returning home, she will call the same friend and they will talk for three hours.

DIRECTIONS: If a woman is out driving, and she finds herself in unfamiliar surroundings, she will stop at a gas station and ask for directions. Men consider this to be a sign of weakness. Men will never stop and ask for directions. Men will drive in a circle for hours, all the while saying things like, "Looks like I've found a new way to get there" and, "I know I'm in the general neighborhood. I recognize that 7-11 store."

ADMITTING MISTAKES: Women will sometimes admit making a mistake. The last man who admitted he was wrong was General George Custer.

RICHARD GERE: Women like Richard Gere because he is sexy in a dangerous way. Men hate Richard Gere because he reminds them of that slick guy who works at the health club and dates only married women.

MADONNA: Same as above, but reversed. Same reason.

TOYS: Little girls love to play with toys. Then when they reach the age of 11 or 12, they lose interest. Men never grow out of their obsession with toys. As they get older, their toys simply become more expensive and silly and impractical. Examples of men's toys: little miniature TV's. Car phones. Complicated juicers and blenders. Graphic equalizers. Small robots that serve cocktails on command. Video games. Anything that blinks, beeps, and requires at least 6 "D" batteries to operate.

PLANTS: A woman asks a man to water her plants while she is on vacation. The man waters the plants. The woman comes home five or six days later to an apartment full of dead plants. No one knows why this happens.

CAMERAS: Men take photography very seriously. They'll shell out $4000 for state of the art equipment, and build dark rooms and take photography classes. Women purchase Kodak Instamatics. Of course, women always end up taking better pictures.

GARAGES: Women use garages to park their cars and store their lawnmowers. Men use garages for many things. They hang license plates in garages, they watch TV in garages, and they build useless lopsided benches in garages.

MOVIES: Every actress in the history of movies has had to do a nude scene. This is because every movie in the history of movies has been produced by a man. The only actor who has ever appeared nude in the movies is Richard Gere. This is another reason why men hate him.

JEWELRY: Women look nice when they wear jewelry. A man can get away with wearing one ring and that's it. Any more than that and he will look like a lounge singer named Vic.

SPORT ARENAS: Simply put, men can always find their way around stadiums and arenas. The women usually end up following men.

TIME: When a woman says she'll be ready to go out in five more minutes, she's using the same meaning of time as when a man says the football games's just got five minutes left. Neither of them is counting time outs, commercials, or replays.

CONVERSATION: Men need a good disagreement to get talking, e.g., "Wow, great movie," "What are you, nuts? No REAL cop would have an Uzi that size," "Well, maybe he got it because he knew about those Mafia guys," etc. Women, not having this problem, try to initiate conversations with men by saying something agreeable: "That garden by the roadside looks lovely." "Mm hmm." Pause. "That was a good restaurant last night, wasn't it?" "Yeah." Pause. And so on.

FRIENDS: Women on a girls' night out talk the whole time. Men on a boys' night out say about twenty words all night, most of which are "Pass the Doritos" or "Got any more beer?"

RESTROOMS: Men use restrooms for purely biological reasons. Women use restrooms as social lounges. Men in restrooms will never speak a word to each other. Women who've never met will leave a restroom giggling together like old friends. And never in the history of the world has a man excused himself from a restaurant table by saying, "Hey, Tots, I was just about to take a leak. Do you want to join me.

[wmtire]

A Dictionary for Women

Argument (ar*gyou*ment) n. -- A discussion that occurs when you're right, but he just hasn't realized it yet.

Airhead (er*hed) n. -- What a woman intentionally becomes when pulled over by a policeman.

Bar-be-que (bar*bi*q) n. -- You bought the groceries, washed the lettuce, chopped the tomatoes, diced the onions, marinated the meat, and cleaned everything up, but he "made the dinner".

Cantaloupe (kant*e*lope) n. -- Gotta get married in a church.

Childbirth (child*brth) n. -- You get to go through 36 hours of contractions; he gets to hold your hand and say "focus...breathe....push...."

Clothes dryer (kloze dri*yer) n. -- An appliance designed to eat socks.
Diet Soda (dy*it so*da) n. -- A drink you buy at a convenience store to go with a half pound bag of peanut M&M's.

Eternity (e*ter*ni*tee) n. -- The last two minutes of a football game.
Exercise (ex*er*siz) v. -- To walk up and down a mall, occasionally resting to make a purchase.

Grocery list (grow*ser*ee list) n. -- What you spend half an hour writing, then forget to take with you to the store.

Hair Dresser (hare dres*er) n. -- Someone who is able to create a style you will never be able to duplicate again. See "Magician".

Hardware Store (hard*war stor) n. -- Similar to a black hole in space: if he goes in, he isn't coming out anytime soon.

Lipstick (lip*stik) n. -- On your lips, coloring to enhance the beauty of your mouth. On his collar, coloring only a tramp would wear...!

Park (park) v./n. -- Before children, a verb meaning "to go somewhere and neck." After children, a noun meaning a place with a swing set and slide.

Patience (pa*shens) n. -- The most important ingredient for dating, marriage, and children. See also "tranquilizers".

Valentine's Day (val*en*tinez dae) n. -- A day when you have dreams of a candlelight dinner, diamonds, and romance, but consider yourself lucky to get a card.

Waterproof Mascara (wah*tr*pruf mas*kar*ah) n. -- Comes off if you cry, shower, or swim, but will not come off if you try to remove it.

[wmtire]

When Joe, a nice man married for over 50 years died, his wife, Myrtle was devastated.

A couple of months later, Myrtle also died. Once in heaven, Myrtle anxiously looked for Joe.

Suddenly, behind a cloud, she could clearly see him with another woman.

She ran towards him, calling his name, "Joe... Darling... Joe..."

Joe said, "Hold your horses woman, and don't 'darling' me. The deal was very clear...'Till Death Do Us Part'!"

[wmtire]

A convicted felon was given ten years without parole for his latest crime. After 2 years in jail, he managed to escape. His escape was the lead item on the six o'clock news.

Because he had to be careful, he worked his way home taking little traveled routes, running across deserted fields, and taking every precaution he could think of.

Eventually he arrived at his house and he rang the bell. His wife opened the door and bellowed at him, "You good-for-nothing weasel! Where the h*ll have ya been? You escaped over six hours ago."

[wmtire]

A friend asked a gentleman why he never married?

Replied the gentleman, "Well, I guess I just never met the right woman... I guess I've been looking for the perfect girl."

"Oh, come on now," said the friend, "Surely you have met at least one girl that you wanted to marry."

"Yes, there was a girl... once. I guess she was the one perfect girl; the only perfect girl I really ever met. She was just the right everything... I really mean that she was the perfect girl for me."

"Well, why didn't you marry her," asked the friend.

"Unfortunately, she was looking for the perfect man."

[wmtire]

A widower who never paid any attention to his wife while she was alive now found himself missing her desperately. He went to a psychic to see if he could contact his late wife. The psychic went into a trance.

A strange breeze wafted through the darkened room, and suddenly, the man heard the unmistakable voice of his dearly departed wife.

"Honey!" he cried. "Is that you?"

"Yes, my husband."

"Are you happy?"

"Yes, my husband."

"Happier than you were with me?"

"Yes, my husband."

"Then Heaven must be an amazing place!"

"I'm not in Heaven, dear."

[wmtire]

Phil had always been a prankster. As each of his three best friends were married, Phil made sure some type of practical joke was played upon them. Now ready to be married himself, he was dreading the payback he knew was coming.

Surprisingly, the ceremony went off without a hitch. No one stood up during the pause to offer a reason 'why this couple should not be married'. His reception wasn't disrupted by streakers or smoke-bombs, and the car the couple was to take on their honeymoon was in perfect working order.

When the newlywed pair arrived at their hotel and entered the room, Phil even checked for cornflakes in the bed (a gag he had always loved). Nothing, it seemed, was amiss. Amazed that he had come away unscathed, the couple fell into bed.

Upon waking, the couple were starving so Phil called down to room service and asked, "I'd like to order breakfast for two."

At that moment, a soft voice from under the bed said, "Make that five!!!"

[wmtire]

A man got so drunk with whiskey, his breath had such a foul stench as if a whole herd of mammoths had spent the night in his mouth.

It felt good to be blind drunk, but the time came for him to go home and his wife was extremely quick-tempered. She always knew when he was drunk even if he was three blocks away from their house and would not let him in. This is why the drunken man decided to use his cunning to get in.

He rang the bell for a long time and an angry voice hissed from within, "Who is it?"

The man leaned on the door and said tenderly, "I bring roses for the most beautiful woman in the world."

Upon hearing that his wife was so moved, she decided to open the door. She opened it and took a close look at her husband. Imagine her surprise when she saw neither roses, nor hyacinths in his hands.

"Where are the roses for the most beautiful woman in the world, you weasel?" the woman roared.

The man slouched towards her and murmured, "And where is the most beautiful woman in the world?

[wmtire]

Little Quirks About Life You Notice By The Time You Are Fifty...

..Most people deserve each other.

..All the good ones, no matter what it is, are taken.

..The one who snores will fall asleep first.

..The length of a marriage is inversely proportional to the amount of money spent on the wedding.

..The gifts you buy your spouse are never as good and appropriate as the gifts your neighbor buys their spouse.

..Never get overly excited about a man/woman by just the way they look from behind.

..If you help a relative in need, he/she will remember you the next time they are in need.

..The probability of meeting someone you know increases greatly when you are out with someone you do not want to be seen with.

..Toothaches always start on Friday night right before the weekend when the Dental Office will be closed.

[wmtire]

During a recent vacation in Las Vegas, a man went to see a popular magic show. After one especially amazing feat, a man from the back of the theater yelled,

"How`d you do that?"

"I could tell you, sir", the magician answered, "But then I`d have to kill you."

After a short pause, the man yelled back, "Ok, then... just tell my wife!"

[wmtire]

A farmer’s wife was terribly jealous. Evening after evening, she subjected her husband to a searching inspection. When she would find even a single hair on his coat, there would be a terrible scene!

One night, she found nothing."So" she screamed, "Now it’s a bald-headed woman!"

[wmtire]

Working at the post office, I'm used to dealing with a moody public. So when one irate customer stormed my desk, I responded in my calmest voice, "What's the trouble?"

"I went out this morning," she began, "and when I came home I found a card saying the mailman tried to deliver a package but no one was home. I'll have you know, my husband was in all morning! He never heard a thing!"

After apologizing, I got her parcel.

"Oh good!" she gushed. "We've been waiting for this for ages!"

"What is it?" I asked.

"My husband's new hearing aid."

[wmtire]

A lady is having a bad day at the table in Las Vegas after her recent breakup.

Down to her last $10, completely exasperated, she cries, "What rotten luck! What in the world should I do now?"

A gent next to her, trying to calm her down a bit, calmly suggests, "I don't know... Why don't you play your age?"

He walks away. Moments later, he is intrigued to hear a great commotion at the roulette table. Maybe, she won!

Rushing back to the table and pushing his way through the crowd, he is stunned to see the lady lying limp on the floor, with the table operator kneeling over her.

He asks, "What happened? Is she all right?"

"I don't know, she put everything on number 24 and when 36 came up, she screamed and then fainted."