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Old 11-23-2016, 03:39 PM   #1301
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It's like how I explained it to the wife. I have one pair of running shoes, and seven pairs of eating shoes.
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Old 11-23-2016, 03:44 PM   #1302
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The Theory of Relativity: Time moves more slowly when you are with your relatives
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Old 11-23-2016, 04:58 PM   #1303
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The kids will be mad when they discover there really isn't a law that prohibits them from talking while I drive.
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Old 11-23-2016, 05:01 PM   #1304
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The therapist told my wife to put some magic in our marriage. So she disappeared.
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Old 11-23-2016, 05:12 PM   #1305
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I dated a lawyer until she said, "Stop, and/or I'll slap your face!"
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Old 11-23-2016, 05:13 PM   #1306
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My wife said she had no sleep last night because my snoring kept waking her up. I told her that if my snoring was waking her up, then obviously she had some sleep.
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Old 11-23-2016, 05:58 PM   #1307
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Quote:
Originally Posted by wmtire View Post
My wife said she had no sleep last night because my snoring kept waking her up. I told her that if my snoring was waking her up, then obviously she had some sleep.
My wife thought I had sleep apnea because I stopped breathing during the night. My response was, why are you awake? Turns out she was the one with sleep apnea (well, me too). True story.
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Old 11-27-2016, 04:08 AM   #1308
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I had my wife's name tattooed on my arm, "Awe, after all these years, a sign that you love me. " She gushed.

"Don't get excited, " I replied, "I've just been diagnosed with alzheimers"
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Old 11-27-2016, 05:29 AM   #1309
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True story. Our granddaughter, Autumn, is three and cannot say, "ridiculous"...instead, she says, "ree-dick-lee-us"...it's very cute!

She was spending the night and I told her to go tell Nana that she's being ridiculous. She goes up to Nana and says, "Nana, I'm being ree-dick-lee-us!"
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Old 12-02-2016, 09:24 AM   #1310
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I went out with one woman who turned out to be an arsonist.

I met her on match.com
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Old 12-03-2016, 08:13 AM   #1311
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Does anyone know how to disable the autocorrect feature on my wife?
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Old 12-06-2016, 04:10 AM   #1312
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A boy comes home and proudly announces to his parents "Mom, dad, the teacher asked the class a question today and I was the only one who knew the right answer!"

The parents are very happy and ask, "That's amazing Lenny! And what was the question?"

Sticking out his chest, the boy says, "Who farted?"
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Old 12-07-2016, 06:55 PM   #1313
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I think it's funny when dogs hide under the bed when they're scared.

I'm like, you idiot, that's the first place monsters go.
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Old 12-07-2016, 06:58 PM   #1314
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The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades
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Old 12-07-2016, 07:30 PM   #1315
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Can't wait to try this...
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Old 12-08-2016, 09:34 AM   #1316
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My granddaughter came over to our place just as my wife and I were putting up our Christmas decorations.

"Grandad," she asked "will you be kissing granny under the mistletoe?"

"Under the mistletoe? I wouldn't kiss her under anesthesia"
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Old 12-08-2016, 05:59 PM   #1317
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Women say they like tall men. But I'm probably at least 6'4 in these stilettos and not a single girl in this bar has approached me yet
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Old 12-09-2016, 02:44 AM   #1318
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"Do you remember that fight we had twenty years ago when we sat down and wrote down each others faults?" I said to my wife.

"Oh Geez yes, I still have mine somewhere, " she said with a giggle.

"I've finished, " I replied.
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Old 12-09-2016, 09:30 AM   #1319
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A beggar asked me for $5 today. He said, Since I lost my job, I've been homeless.

I replied, I know how you feel. Since I got married, I've been home less too
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Old 12-09-2016, 04:31 PM   #1320
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My friend said, "I like your car."

I said, "It's not very practical now that we've got a baby."

He then remarked, "How about I buy it off you."

I said, "Yeah go on then. Three grand?"

He agreed, "You've got yourself a deal."

I told him "Nice... and you're going to make a good dad."
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