More relationship humor

[wmtire]

TRUE FRIENDSHIP: Walking into a persons house and your wifi connects automatically.

[wmtire]

At what age is it appropriate to tell my dog that he is adopted?

[5picker]

Originally Posted by wmtire

At what age is it appropriate to tell my dog that he is adopted?

LOL!
Doesn't really matter though, they'll love you unconditionally no matter.

[TitanMike]

Originally Posted by 5picker

LOL!
Doesn't really matter though, they'll love you unconditionally no matter.

It's been said that if you lock your wife and dog in the car trunk for a day, when you open the trunk your dog will still shower you with kisses. 🙂

[wmtire]

I've been reading 'Lord Of The Rings'.

Apparently Gollum was once a normal man. But wearing the ring drained him of his youth, energy and any joy in life.

Must be the same ring I put on when I got married.

[wmtire]

I have just split up with my long term girlfriend, as we had some differences over our wedding arrangements. She wanted the full monty: 250+ guests, cathedral rather than the local church, white Rolls Royce, 12 brides maids, 6 page boys, plus a matron of honor. Champagne and canapes reception , followed by a 7 course cordon bleu meal. Me, I wanted to stay single.

[wmtire]

I gave my phone number to some girl last week and she said she'll call me just as soon as she gets home.

I'm guessing that she's homeless.

[Dano1955]

WHAT WOULD BE DIFFERENT IF MEN REALLY RULED THE WORLD

Any fake phone number a girl gave you would automatically forward your call to her real number.

Nodding and looking at your watch would be deemed an acceptable response to “I love you.”

Hallmark would make “Sorry, what was your name again” cards.

When your girlfriend really needed to talk to you during the game, she’d appear in a little box in the corner of the screen during a time-out.

Breaking up would be a lot easier. A smack to the ass and a “Nice hustle, you’ll get ’em next time” would pretty much do it.

Birth control would come in ale or lager.

Each year, your raise would be pegged to the fortunes of the NFL team of your choice.

The funniest guy in the office would get to be CEO.

At the end of the workday, a whistle would blow and you’d jump out your window and slide down the tail of a brontosaurus and right into your car like Fred Flintstone.

Lifeguards could remove citizens from beaches for violating the “public ugliness” ordinance.

Tanks would be far easier to rent.

Garbage would take itself out.

Instead of beer belly, you’d get “beer biceps.”

Instead of an expensive engagement ring, you could present your wife- to-be with a giant foam hand that said, “You’re #1!”

Valentine’s Day would be moved to February 29th so it would only occur in leap years.

On Groundhog Day, if you saw your shadow, you’d get the day off to go drinking. Mother’s Day, too.

St. Patrick’s Day, however, would remain exactly the same. But it would be celebrated every month.

Cops would be broadcast live, and you could phone in advice to the pursuing cops. Or to the crooks.

The victors in any athletic competition would get to kill and eat the losers.

The only show opposite Monday Night Football would be Monday Night Football from a Different Camera Angle.

It would be perfectly legal to steal a sports car, as long as you returned it the following day with a full tank of gas.

Every man would get four real Get Out of Jail Free cards per year.

When a cop gave you a ticket, every smart-aleck answer you responded with would actually reduce your fine. As in: Cop: “You know how fast you were going” You: “All I know is, I was spilling my beer all over the place.” Cop: “Nice one. That’s $10 off.”

People would never talk about how fresh they felt.

Telephones would automatically cut off after 30 seconds of conversation.

[Dano1955]

Husband’s note on the refrigerator to his wife:

“Doctor’s office called: Said Pabst beer is normal”

[Dano1955]

One afternoon a man came home from work to find total mayhem in his house. His three children were outside, still in their pajamas, playing in the mud, with empty food boxes and wrappers strewn all around the front yard.

The door of his wife’s car was open, as was the front door to the house. Proceeding into the entry, he found an even bigger mess. A lamp had been knocked over, and the throw rug was wadded against one wall. In the front room the TV was loudly blaring a cartoon channel, and the family room was strewn with toys and various items of clothing. In the kitchen, dishes filled the sink, breakfast food was spilled on the counter, dog food was spilled on the floor, a broken glass lay under the table, and a small pile of sand was spread by the back door.

He quickly headed up the stairs, stepping over toys and more piles of clothes, looking for his wife. He was worried she may be ill, or that something serious had happened. He found her lounging in the bedroom, still curled in the bed in her pajamas, reading a novel. She looked up at him, smiled, and asked how his day went.

He looked at her bewildered and asked, “What happened here today?” She again smiled and answered, “You know every day when you come home from work and ask me what in the world I did today?”

“Yes” was his incredulous reply. She answered, “Well, today I didn’t do it.”

[CaptnJohn]

WORST FOURSOME IN GOLF HISTORY

1 STORMY DANIELS

2 O. J. SIMPSON

3 TED KENNEDY

4 BILL CLINTON

WHY ? YOU ASK

1 STORMY IS A HOOKER.

2 O. J. IS A SLICER.

3 TED CAN'T DRIVE OVER WATER, and

4 BILL CAN'T REMEMBER WHICH HOLE HE PLAYED LAST.

[CaptnJohn]

As I'm turning 70 in 10 days this came to mind ~~~

“OLD” is when your sweetie says, “Let’s go upstairs and make love,” and you answer, “Honey, I can’t do both!”
“OLD” is when your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you’re barefoot.
“OLD” is when a sexy babe catches your fancy and your pacemaker opens the garage door.
“OLD” is when going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.
“OLD” is when you don’t care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don’t have to go along.
“OLD” is when you are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police.
“OLD” is when “getting a little action” means “I don’t need to take any fiber today.”
“OLD” is when “getting lucky” means you find your car in the parking lot.
“OLD” is when “all-nighter” means not getting up to go potty!

[TitanMike]

At 75 I can assure you there's much truth in the above.

Soon you can add "OLD is when you can hide you're own Easter eggs.

[wmtire]

Find out how loud your partner can scream by waking them up on an airplane flight wearing your life jacket and oxygen mask.

[wmtire]

Attachment 171441

[CampingGator]

Originally Posted by wmtire

Attachment 171441

It definitely goes both ways!

[wmtire]

I recently surveyed 99 men and a woman, asking them what they thought about equality.

[wmtire]

In the past I was sent to see a child psychologist for four years.

I learned nothing from that kid.

[Iwritecode]

Originally Posted by wmtire

In the past I was sent to see a child psychologist for four years.

I learned nothing from that kid.

Charlie Brown has been visiting one for years.

[wmtire]

I washed my son's mouth out with soap when he was younger.

If anything, it made him swear even more.