More relationship humor

[wmtire]

Originally Posted by Mr. Dan

This reminds me of TWO folks who posted “I maded a pie this morning.”

So what's the problem? Everybody likes pie. [emoji3]

[Mr. Dan]

Originally Posted by wmtire

So what's the problem? Everybody likes pie. [emoji3]

You don’t know these 2 ladies.

[5picker]

Originally Posted by Mr. Dan

This reminds me of TWO folks who posted “I maded a pie this morning.”

Kind of like my friend who wrote he sellded his car.

[Iwannacamp]

A little boy says, ‘Dad, I’ve heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn’t know his wife until he marries her.’ ‘Son,’ says the dad.
‘That happens everywhere.’

A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, right up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, "I would like to buy some cyanide."
�The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"
The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."
The pharmacists eyes got big and he exclaimed, "Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law! I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!"
The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.
The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well now. That's different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription."

A woman turns to her husband on their silver wedding anniversary and says, ‘Darling, will you still love me when my hair turns grey?’
Her husband replies, ‘Why not?
I stuck with you through the other six shades.’

Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with friends.
You order what you want, and when you see what the other fellow has, you wish you had ordered that.

My wife and I have the secret to making a marriage last.
Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant and have a little wine and good food.
She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.

I can remember where I got married.
I can remember when I got married.
I just can’t remember why.

A guy stands over his tee shot for what seems an eternity:
looking up, looking down, measuring the distance, figuring the wind direction and speed.
Finally his exasperated partner says, "What's taking so long?
Hit the damn ball!"
The guy answers, "My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse.
I want to make this a perfect shot."
"Forget it, man," says his partner.
"You'll never hit her from here."

A third-grade teacher is getting to know her pupils on the first day of school.
She turns to one little girl and says, ‘And what does your daddy do?’
The girl replies, ‘Whatever Mummy tells him to.’

The best way to get your husband to do something is to suggest he’s too old to do it.

A man is talking to the family doctor, "Doc, I think my wife’s going deaf."
The doctor answers, "Well, here’s something you can try on her to test her hearing. Stand some distance away from her and ask her a question. If she doesn’t answer, move a little closer and ask again. Keep repeating this until she answers. Then you’ll be able to tell just how hard of hearing she really is."

The man goes home and tries it out.
He walks in the door and says, "Honey, what’s for dinner?"
He doesn’t hear an answer, so he moves closer to her.
"Honey, what’s for dinner?"
Still no answer.
He repeats this several times, until he’s standing just a few feet away from her.
Finally, she answers,
"For the eleventh time, I said we’re having MEATLOAF!"

A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce, and asked, "What are the grounds for your divorce?"
She replied, "About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by."
"No," he said, "I mean what is the foundation of this case?"
"It is made of concrete, brick and mortar," she responded.
"I mean," he continued, "What are your relations like?"
"I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husband's parents."
He said, "Do you have a real grudge?"
"No," she replied, "We have a two-car carport and have never really needed one."
"Please," he tried again, "is there any infidelity in your marriage?"
"Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don't necessarily like the music, but the answer to your questions is yes."
"Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?"
"Yes," she responded, "about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do."
Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, "Lady, why do you want a divorce?"
"Oh, I don't want a divorce," she replied. "I've never wanted a divorce. My husband does. He said he can't communicate with me!"

Bill wakes up at home with a huge hangover.
He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins and a glass of water on the side table.
He sits down and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed.
Bill looks around the room and sees that it is in a perfect order, spotless, clean.
So's the rest of the house.
He takes the aspirins and notices a note on the table "Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping. Love you."
So he goes to the kitchen and sure enough there is a hot breakfast and the morning newspaper.
His son is also at the table, eating.
Bill asks, "Son, what happened last night?"
His son says, "Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and delirious.
Broke some furniture, puked in the hallway, and gave yourself a black eye when you stumbled into the door."
Confused, Bill asks, "So, why is everything in order and so clean, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?"
His son replies, "Oh that! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off you said, "Lady leave me alone, I'm married'!"

[dbledan]

Sorry if duplicated but I have enjoyed the thread and wanted to contribute.

A couple reached their Gold anniversary day. The wife comes down to find her husband crying at the table. She asks him what's wrong.

Do you remember before we first got married and your father told me I either needed to marry you or serve 50yrs hard labor.

She says yes remembering it, but why are you crying?

If I had chosen the hard labor today I would be a free man.

[wmtire]

My wife has been teaching our car new tricks...

She got it to roll over today...

[pgandw]

Did you know ditch diving is a Colorado Olympic sport? The competition normally takes place when thunder or snow storms are imminent - not necessary to have any actual precipitation on the Interstate. Just aim for the side of the highway. Extra points are given for roll-overs, and double extra points for roll-overs in the median.

[rockfordroo]

While riding my Harley, I swerved to avoid hitting a deer, lost control and landed in a ditch, severely banging my head.

Dazed and confused I crawled out of the ditch to the edge of the road when a shiny new convertible pulled up with a very beautiful woman who asked, "Are you okay?"

As I looked up, I noticed she was wearing a low cut blouse with cleavage to die for...

"I'm okay I think," I replied as I pulled myself up to the side of the car to get a closer look.

She said, “Get in and I’ll take you home so I can clean and bandage that nasty scrape on your head.”

"That's nice of you," I answered, "but I don't think my wife will like me doing that!"

"Oh, come now, I’m a nurse," she insisted. "I need to see if you have any more scrapes and then treat them properly."

Well, she was really pretty and very persuasive. Being sort of shaken and weak, I agreed, but repeated, "I'm sure my wife won't like this."

We arrived at her place which was just few miles away and, after a couple of cold beers and the bandaging, I thanked her and said, "I feel a lot better but I know my wife is going to be really upset so I'd better go now."

"Don't be silly!" she said with a smile. "Stay for a while. She won't know anything. By the way, where is she?"

"Still in the ditch with the Harley, I guess."

[CAT-RN]

Tire’s jokes are pretty bad at times Rockford but you running right there with him. Lol.

Russell

[wmtire]

"Happy 14th Wedding Anniversary!" my wife gushed.

Came as a bit of a surprise to me. I don't remember breaking 2 mirrors.

[wmtire]

Gutted! My wife just left me because I never put the toilet seat down.

To be fair, I'm not even sure why I started carrying it.

[Biker]

I'll put the seat down when she turns the lights off when she leaves a room.

[HangDiver]

.....

[wmtire]

"Where have you been?" shouted my wife. "It's been three days!"


"It's your fault," I replied. "When I went out you told me not to come home drunk again."

[wmtire]

Some idiot has just honked his horn at me because he wants the parking space I am about to vacate.


I guess I'll just have to sit here now till we're both dead.

[HangDiver]

....

[TitanMike]

Originally Posted by wmtire

Some idiot has just honked his horn at me because he wants the parking space I am about to vacate.


I guess I'll just have to sit here now till we're both dead.

When that happens to me I turn off the key, get out, lock up, and go back in store to do some more shopping. Even if I don't need a darn thing more.

[HangDiver]

.....

[wmtire]

I met my ex at a Massage Therapy course. We hit it off as we were the worse two students and both failed the exam.

Anyway, we split up eventually..I guess we just rubbed each other up the wrong way.

[wmtire]

The Statue of Liberty weighs 225 tons......

But NEVER tell her that.