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Old 07-07-2013, 04:49 PM   #1
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Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: Northeast Louisiana
Posts: 16,564
More travel jokes

Some of these may have been posted before:

You'll know it's a No-Frills airline if:
  • They don't sell tickets, they sell chances.
  • All the insurance machines in the terminal are sold out
  • Before the flight, the passengers get together and elect a pilot.
  • You cannot board the plane unless you have the exact change.
  • Before you took off, the stewardess tells you to fasten your Velcro.
  • The Captain asks all the passengers to chip in a little for gas.
  • When they pull the steps away, the plane starts rocking.
  • The Captain yells at the ground crew to get the cows off the runway.
  • Your life keeps flashing before your eyes.
  • You see a man with a gun, but he's demanding to be let off the plane. (this was my favorite one )
  • No movie. Don't need one.
  • All the planes have both a bathroom and a chapel.

A plane was taking off from Kennedy airport.

After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, "Ladies and Gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight number 293, non-stop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and therefore we should have a smooth flight, now sit back and relax. - OH MY GOD!"

There was Silence.

Then, the captain came back on the intercom and said: "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier, but while I was talking the flight attendant brought me a cup of coffee and spilled the hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!"

A passenger in Coach said: "That's nothing. He should see the back of mine!"


  • There is an art in writing travel brochures, as well as a matching art in reading them.
    Without wishing to suggest that the following translations always apply, you might find the following terms to be of wry amusement...
    • Brochure Term/ Translation

      Old world charm/ No bath
    • Tropical/ Rainy
    • Majestic setting/ A long way from town
    • Options galore/ Nothing is included in the itinerary
    • Secluded hideaway/ Impossible to find or get to
    • Pre-registered rooms/ Already occupied
    • Explore on your own/ Pay for it yourself
    • Knowledgeable trip hosts/ They've flown before
    • No extra fees/ No extras
    • Nominal charge/ Outrageous charge
    • Standard/ Substandard
    • Deluxe/ Standard
    • Superior / Two free shower caps
    • All the amenities/ One free shower cap
    • Plush/ Top and bottom sheets
    • Gentle breezes/ Gale-force winds
    • Light and airy/ No air conditioning
    • Picturesque/ Theme park nearby
    • Open bar/ Free ice cubes
Taxiing down the tarmac, the jetliner abruptly stopped, turned around and returned to the gate. After a hour-long wait, it finally took off.

A concerned passenger asked the flight attendant: "What was the problem?"

"The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine," explained the flight attendant," and it took us a while to find a new pilot."

A passenger piled his cases on the scale at an airline counter in New York and said to the ticket agent:
"I'm flying to Los Angeles. I want the square case to go to Denver and the two round ones to go to Seattle."

"I'm sorry, sir, but we can't do that," said the ticket agent.

"Why not? You did it the last time!"


One of the airlines recently introduced a special half-fare rate for wives accompanying their husbands on business trips. Anticipating some valuable testimonials, the publicity department of the airline sent out letters to all the wives of businessmen who used the special rates, asking how they enjoyed their trip.
Responses are still pouring in from angry wives asking: "What trip?"


2011 Flagstaff 831 RLBSS

Iíve lost my scapegoat.
I have nobody to blame but myself.
wmtire is online now   Reply With Quote
Old 07-07-2013, 04:54 PM   #2
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Filthy Beast is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 07-07-2013, 05:09 PM   #3
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The passengers board the plane; the plane takes off. Shortly after takeoff, a voice comes over the PA

"Welcome ladies and gentlemen to the worlds first all computerized flight. This airplane is completely controlled by computer. There are no pilots on board. But don't be alarmed. Absolutely nothing can go wrong....go wrong....go wrong.... go wrong...."
rockfordroo is online now   Reply With Quote

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