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Old 12-31-2016, 08:12 PM   #1
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New Year jokes


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Old 12-31-2016, 08:14 PM   #2
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New Year jokes

A New Year's resolution is something that goes in one year and out the other.

My new year's resolution is to be more optimistic by keeping my cup half-full with either rum, vodka, or whiskey.

My New Year's resolution is to stop hanging out with people who ask me about my New Year's resolutions.

If 2016 was a person, I'd sue him for pain and suffering and lost wages.

This New Year's I resolve to be less awesome since that is really the only thing I do in excess.

I'll remember 2016 like it was yesterday

May all your troubles last as long as your New Year resolutions.

I hereby resolve not to catch fire while riding a flaming hoverboard....again.

Remember you can reset your resolutions on January 14th (Orthodox New Year) and February 8th (Chinese New Year). After that, even I can't help you.

Many things can be preserved in alcohol this New Years Eve. DIGNITY is not one of them.

Every year I make a resolution to change myself....... this year making a resolution to be myself!

I'm planning on finding new and interesting things to hate about my job in 2017.

Just heard that in 2017 there will be a new device that can turn thoughts into speech. I have had that for years, it's called alcohol.

My New Years Resolution is to break my New Years Resolutions....That way I succeed at something!

New Year's is just a holiday created by calendar companies who don't want you reusing last year's calendar.

I'm actually feeling pretty okay about not accomplishing anything this year.

My 2017 resolution is for everyone else to gain the 50 pounds I refuse to lose.

and......

It's officially New Year Eve, you only have a couple of hours to do all the things you will resolve not to do in the new year.
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Old 12-31-2016, 08:21 PM   #3
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New Years Resolutions You Have No Chance At Keeping

When I hear a funny joke I will not reply, "LOL, LMAO, or ROTFLMAO!"

Start using Facebook for something other than Farmville and stupid quizzes

I will try to figure out why I "really" need 5 facebook accounts.

I resolve to work with neglected children... my own.

Lose 20 pounds by going to the gym!

I will stop using, "So, what's your URL?" as a pickup line.

I will spend less than five hour a day on the Internet. I will read the manual... just as soon as I can find it.

Lose weight by inventing an anti-gravity machine

Stop repeating myself again, and again, and again

I will stop tagging pictures of myself in pictures even when I'm not in them

I will think of a password other than "password"

----------------------------------------------------

New Years Resolutions You Can Actually Keep

Read less.

I want to gain weight. Put on at least 30 pounds.

I will start buying lottery tickets at a luckier store

Stop exercising. Waste of time. Watch more TV. I've been missing some good stuff.

Watch less T.V. in standard definition

Gain enough weight to get on The Biggest Loser.

Watch more movie remakes.

Start washing my hands after I use the restroom.

Procrastinate more.

I will do less laundry and use more deodorant.

I will become a vegan for a day and subsequently learn that it was a missed steak.

I will no longer waste my time relieving the past, instead I will spend it worrying about the future.

Drink. Drink some more.

Stop buying worthless junk on Ebay, because QVC has better specials

Start being superstitious.

Spend more time at work.

Stop bringing lunch from home: I should eat out more.

Take up a new habit: maybe smoking!
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Old 12-31-2016, 08:38 PM   #4
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Peter, at a New Year's party, turns to his friend, Ken, and asks for a cigarette.

'I thought you made a New Year's resolution to quit smoking,' Ken responds.

'I'm in the process of quitting,' replies Peter with a grin. 'Right now, I am in the middle of phase one.'

'Phase one?' wonders Ken.

'Yeah,' laughs Peter, 'I've quit buying.'
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